to what I believe..

I can grab huge chunks of upper thigh fat now ... I feel so disgusting.

And my nose is so huge and gross on my ugly scarred face....its  just so unfair. From some angles I look so nice, and then other angles I'm just hideous. Its so weird....just....strangely beautiful. Sigh. I guess thats good, it makes me unique, right? In a way....I guess. I have a unique face. Well, everyone does, to some small degree at least. PRetty sure I'm not being crazy here. Pretty sure thats reality. Pretty sure.

Things are starting to feel ominous. I am still mostly ok, I think, but I'm just...anxious that things are going to start falling down into blackness again soon. Nick is already there. I don't know what to expect. I don't know. I feel kind of isolated again. I don't know what that means...is the cycle progressing as I expected it to? Whats going to happen to me? And how can I help Nick if I fall again? How can I even help him now??!! Everything just seems so...hopeless....

Goodness, what a cruel world we live in. We can make attempts to predict our future, to help ourselves feel a little safe or assured, but realistically, there is no way to know. There is no way to KNOW! Where is the assurance in that?? There is none.

That is why we do need a Savior. We need something outside of this world that can actually help us see past our own misgivings, our own incapability.

Gosh, my legs look so ginormous right now. Disgusting. Haha, it never changes, it never goes away. I just have to keep going. Eat better, exercise (thank GOD i'm starting to do that again), sleep well, relax, take care of myself....

I still find myself questioning everything. What should my goals in life be right now? Should I just give up on this therapy stuff? I am starting to wonder.... it just seems too difficult right now. Its going to take at least another 3 years to even get my LICENSE...let alone to start making money off of it. And it will probably take more than 3 years. This is why most people wait until they are much older to go through this program.... it takes a stable life to get all the work done. I certainly don't have a very stable life right now. Yeeeesh. Well, we shall see what happens. Maybe I will have to stop after I graduate. I don't know.

It will certainly be interesting over the next year as I finish all my classes and have to write a thesis. without any classes to keep me in check... I wonder how I will get the thesis done.... haha... .

I'm just kind of rambling now. Should probably stop.

"Listening atheletically, with one's whole attention, one hears the words, the sighs, the sniffling, the loud exhaltations, the one-best-longer-than

normal pause before a difficult or taboo word, the voice-falls of misgiving, the piled ingots of guilt, the quiet screeching of self-blame, the breathlessness of fear, the restless volcano of panic, the fumings of stifled rage, the staccato spasms of frustration, the sidestepping anger of the "yes, but" -ers, the tumbling ideas of the developmentally disabled, the magic dramas of the hallucinatory, the idea shards of the psychotic, the harrowed tones of the battered, the bleak deadpan of the hopeless, the pacing of the ambivalent, the entrenched gloom of depression, the distant recesses of loneliness, the anxiousness that is like a wringing of the hands."
~ Diane Ackerman, The Slender Thread

Probably my favorite scene from any Disney movie

I have not given a single thought to this journal since the last entry. This strikes me as important to mention because I think it indicates just how my mood has been. I'm not sure why yet, but I am not nearly as depressed as I was last entry, and I don't think I have been since my trip down for school. It was just the sort of vacation I needed, in a way, because I actually allowed myself to treat it like one. I mean, for chrissake I have a hotel room to myself for 3 days! Of course I can relax and enjoy my stay...it helps to have car though. Thank God for the chance though.

I feel...a little more integrated. A little more whole. Maybe. I'm not sure. All I know for sure is that I am starting to feel a little rested, finally. And so with my fractional level of renewed vigor I will now jump up and try and be superwoman again, and probably fall back into depression/anxiety/chaos state within a couple of weeks. Yeah, yeah, I recognize the pattern. I do.

I have been some personal revelations of sorts with my faith too. That is certainly becoming more integrated, THANK GOD. That homeostatic anxiety I was feeling around the clashing of my old world views with my new ones was getting pretty old. Yes, that is perhaps the piece of myself that feels a little more whole. PRAISE BE! Seriously! It all makes sense though. I think I can understand just a little bit more about the extensive, yet eternally limited, perceptions that human beings always throw up against the eternally unlimited designs of our Creator. And the odd sort of duality of this world and the heavens and then maybe all of it together and not together at the same time kind of thing...stuff that my grad school talks about kind of while inserting the idea that God himself is a mere myth, a mere creation of humanity, just as is all of our other worldly *LIMITED* perceptions. Haha, its so sad, so so sad, all I can do is try and laugh about it.

What if, when I die, everyone dies? I was thinking about this... and, IF time only exists in this world, which is barred from the rest of existence by the mortality of the flesh/physical world, then once our spirit is detached from the physical, it is detached from time. So that would mean, out of time, we are all dead to the physical world at once! in the same moment (or lack of moment), we will all begin our existence, or knowing of, the other side. Whatever that may look like I cannot fathom. Even this hare-brained supposition aroudn the lacking of time begins to cause a rift in my brain's computational capacity. But it would make so much sense if that timelessness is true! If we are all already raptured at the moment of our death, our departure from the physical, all at once! Well, I dont know, maybe thats going too far. These are just thoughts. I cannot know anything for sure. But I think maybe I'm onto something here. Who knows. I feel so disqualified to philosophize this way, like, "Who are you, thinking you're so smart you can even BEGIN to understand whats actually happening in all existence!" Haha, well, yes, I suppose that is a healthy way to feel about it, because its true. Its true for all of us, trapped as we are in this physical, fleshly realm.

I think...the life we know it, its like living in a tiny room with a one way mirror in it. All of the rest of existence can look in and see what is happening here, but all we see is ourselves and our world reflected back.

OH SNAP

.....how many people would rather continue acting in ways they DONT want to act in order to avoid acting the way they DO want to....

I feel on the verge of tears again today. I'm so tired of this. So tired of being so depressed or anxious, or both at once. I'm not sure what can be done about it though....

 

 I refuse to give up. I dont care if I stop eating or sleeping, if I'm afraid to cook smelly food or go to the bathroom, if I have trouble getting up and taking care of myself, if I cry all the time or feel like a worthless piece of shit. I'm never giving up. Never. I  am not sure if I'll get anywhere this way but I don't care. What am I doing, pretending to be a therapist? What am I doing at all? I'm too weak....

Its just.... theres no denying it. I can't lean on anyone the way I want to. I want to with Nick but it hurts him too much when he is sick. And I can't stand it. I can't stand being a burden. So I can't be weak. But I am just getting weaker and weaker, it seems...big surprise, really, but what can I do? I think my craziness scares him. Maybe eventually he will get sick of me like I've always wondered. I hope not... but who knows. I'm obviously failing to live up to his image of me right now...

My new therapist wants me to start eating better or doing something nice for myself that will make it easier for me to care for myself. I just don't know if I can muster up the strength for any of it right now. I just want to crawl into a hole and hide. 

I just don't know what to do. I dont know I dont know I dont know i dont know i dont know i dont know i dont know i dont know anything i dont know anything i dont know i domnt know i dont know i dont know i dont know id ontdfskldfsdfjsdfs.//./..I'm so tired othinking about everything, or imaginging that things can change. Im too weak. Maybe I shouldnt be trying to change myself, even for the better. Maybe its impossible. Im so weak... such a waekling. What do I have to offer, aynway? The more I get to know myself the less I seem to have. I dont know what to do. I dont know i dont know i dont know i dont know i dont know i dont know id ont know i dont know id oni dont know i donkt dfkjsl;fkasjflkdfjl

i feel so alone. Ive got Nick, but i can't burden him, I just cant, it wouldnt be right, itd just hurt him. It already does even though I dont want to. God I feel like such an idiot.  I'm sorry.What can I do?? I can't do anything!!! I CANT DO ANYTHING. IM  TRAPPED. I've set myself up for it, made it just right so that there would be no escaping my own destruction. Its what I've always wanted.  Not just a challenge, the most impossible challenge ever. And well I've got it. And its designed to kill me. I guess really I've always wanted an indirect, selfless looking way of killing myself... that must be what it is. Well cool, then. Its settled. I'm not giving up. I'm just gonna keep going until I can't keep going at all. What else i there in life anyway? Parties, pleasure? no, no, no. Thats all useless and unfulfilling.

Is it weird that that sort of makes me feel better? Damn..

uhguhguhguhguh (popeyes laugh)

Theres a frog croaking loudly outside our front window. It likes to do that at night here. Kinda cool. I'm tired and weird feeling. Nothing new there I guess.

Been a little bit. Not sure if I am recovering from all the crap I've been discussing in here or not. Everything feels a little pear-shaped right now. I've been watching a ton of Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares. Bloody hell. I need to get some bloody bollocks already and stop moping about all the time. A normal person wouldn't lay down on a couch and sigh for hours whenever some new psychological dilemma presented itself to them. Why should I be permitting myself such leisure? I need to get a job. It sucks. SSI benefits got cut back. Things are getting dire. I cut my hair again, looks nice. A little side bang action. I think it suits me, surprisingly. Crazy, I have a hairdresser now. Her name is Roz. Perfect name for a hairdresser.

I feel a little bonkers. But thats ok. I lost 6 lbs the last couple of weeks. I thought I was eating more too. Nick says I've been eating less. Huh. How did that one slip by? I'm still fat though, so nothing new there.....

Guess its good I'm seeing a therapist tomorrow.

Its so stupid. I can complain in here all I want, make myself seem like a complete crazy fool snobby twat but overall it still doesn't feel like a full reflection of myself or anything really. Its just the voice in my head telling me what to write out. Currently its the voice of Gordon Ramsay. Apparently the lines on his face were caused by his Rugby helmet. Huh. Never knew that. Weird. I'm squinting to write this. Too much anxiety. I can't enjoy myself at all the last few days. Its weird.

I refuse medication. Nope nope nope.

Sometimes I think about what I'm trying to do. At my age, at least in this day and age, it seems entirely inappropriate. To be getting a masters degree in counseling psychology. To be studying the human mind in depth, and then trying to help other people with  their problems. At 25. I guess theres a part of me that thinks....but I haven't really lived yet! I don't want to do this. Pfft. But what is really living anyway?  Certainly some people would consider what I'm doing to be very successful living. Today, one of my colleagues said that it was a no brainer for me to go for PhD, since I'm so young, why wouldn't I?  Something to think about, maybe. I do have a knack for school. Thats probably all I have a knack for, outside of therapizing people. so maybe itd be cool. Who knows. Sigh.

Theres a part of me that just wants to move to another country and explore for a while. Or do an awesome laid back meaningless job somewhere, and spend my free time hanging out with friends or more likely wandering around aimlessly, in town or out in nature somewhere. But I don't think I'm gonig to. Probably not.

"I looked more widely around me. I studied the lives of the masses of humanity, and I saw that, not two or three, or ten, but hundreds, thousands, millions, had so understood the meaning of life that they were able both to live and to die. All these men were well acquainted with the meaning of life and death, quietly labored, endured privation and suffering, lived and died, and saw in all this, not a vain, but a good thing."
~ Leo Tolstoy

Too much squinting.