we wus out of wineez

So I used vodka and juice instead. I forgot how hard liquor hits me. It looked like only a little pour from the bottle, but it wasn't little enough.

I was overreacting last couple entries. As usual. It was merely an expression of my feelings in the moment when I found out about his lie. And those feelings, while understandable, were not something to get crazy about, in the end. Not that I probably would have, at least not physically. Thats not my style.

Today has been a weird day. I felt better, mostly, than I can remember feeling in a long while. Since before last month and all the things going on in that month. Maybe things are finally starting to integrate properly. I don't know. Its a strange feeling, because I felt happy, giddy even, to some degree, but there was some tinge to it which I could not quite understand. Some tinge of anxiety or perhaps wariness. Depression, for sure. But over what I cannot say. Which is strange, because usually when I am sad I can tell why.

This is just a kind of underlying feeling though. Strange. Maybe my modus operandi is shifting as well. Something to keep an eye on, perhaps.

I am so tired of keeping an eye on everything though. So tired of it. I was reminded of something important today in a song I used to live my life by....

But this for some reason does not satisfy me anymore. I guess I truly am betwixt ways of being right now. And it is a very uncomfortable place to be. At least before I was comfortable NOT being at all. This is somewhere between being and not being...... and theres not even a word for what that place is!

poop. well, just gotta keep rollin and tumblin and whirlin and whorlin......

If the very foundations are built on lies, what stops even the truth from collapsing?

I feel so awful and alone right now. I don't know that I can trust anyone anymore. I don't even know who actually loves me for me and not for what I do for them. Has it all been a lie you were hoping you'd eventually be able to make true? Trying to love me like you've loved others? Trying to love me because I'm so good for you, so much healthier for you than the ones you truly care for. You've tried to take the safe route for once, someone so sweet and pure and able to endure your blackness and work you through it. But it's not enough to make you feel for her as you do for the ones that you long for, that even as they hurt you you cant help but wish to see again...to care for them, touch them, hold them...

I don't know what to do anymore. I've willingly put myself in this prison, this blackness, all out of simple, unabiding love and a desire for closeness. Foolish me, going to the very last place I was likely to find it.

So now here I am, feeling awful and alone and stuck. It's 3am though, maybe the darkness is too close and my thoughts are too influenced by my deepest fears.

Fears of aloneness, fears of being unlovable, being rejected, being repulsive, replaceable. The tears have been streaming down my face for hours, months, it seems... A constant ache deep within my heart screaming for the resolution I've wanted for so long, and yet, may never come. Where is my hope? Have I finally drained the source of my never ending spring of love?

I need truth, I need truth. I need truth. When is it my turn to feel cared for? When will my own presence stop being a burden or an error?

Just as I was beginning to look into his eyes and see truth there, to feel loved, wholly, as I have always wholly loved...it's ripped away from me. And who do I have to blame for this? Is it only my own fault for inventing the whole thing, for giving into my
fears and accepting them as true? Or are they real besides my fear? Even the morning holds little hope of a certain answer.

I'm the character in the story no one cheers for. Two star crossed lovers, split apart through circumstance, and then a third love interest arrives. The reliable, safe lover who offers one of the star crossed lovers the entire world. But this third person just doesn't satisfy the romantic leanings of the readers, there's nothing interesting about him, it's too safe, too boring, for the story to end that way. The forbidden love, the temptation, the longing of two young, foolish lovers to be together in spite of all the odds is what every reader anticipates. ThE only noble thing the safe choice can do is to acknowledge the futility of his chase and step aside, gaining the crowds approval by sacrificing his own love for the sake of the true, untamable passion between two people so torn apart when without the other.

Of course that's just a story. But it's all I have. And we all know how powerful stories, art, and music can be. Often, they hold more truth than fact.

I wonder if this is why I am always so tired.

I imagine this is kinda whats going on now...which if so, must be maddening

time to tell the press...

I don't think I've ever seen myself look so much like a snob than in this photo. I was trying to see how disgusting my face looks from this angle, but this one at least maybe made me feel a little bit better about how I look. At least with my mouth closed and my skin not stretched out in a smile I look somewhat ok. I don't know how I'm still so disgusted with myself after all the photos taken in February. Well, yes, I do know. Because while some of them I look passable, even beautiful, perhaps, in them, I would say most of them I look just as wretched as I've always imagined.                                                                                                            I CANNOT STAND THAT I AM UP AT THIS HOUR DWELLING ON THIS. but I know exactly why. These stupid moments of self-repulsion always spring up when some new external source of anxiety has. 

I don't think i want to get into it fully now, but suffice it to say, the human part of me really questions how much Nick respects me. Since I'm who knows anywhere between 70- 99% human at this point, thats a lot. How can he respect me if he lies to me? Why does he think he even NEEDS to lie to me? have I not proven that forgiveness comes almost thoughtlessly to me? How come I stumble across this now? Why? Why did he have to sign into his gmail account, directing me to his blogger profile page when I come to log in here? 

I respect him. I open up to him. The only thing I haven't discussed a lot with him is this journal. And even that, I told him about it right around the time I started it. I don't know if he remembers though. He was still fairly drugged up by the doctors at that point. Still, all of my entries are public. My browser history is right there for him to look through, I don't care. Well, I have kind of been private about it at times. But everything I write in here, he already knows anyway!! I literally pour my heart out to this man.... especially recently when I thought it was safe to open up to him moreso than anyone else I ever had before.... such a break in trust. But I don't want it to get to me. I know I can understand why he lied. And my love for him will always override this sort of anger, this sort of distrust. Until I find out he is actually cheating on me now, these sorts of lies.... i guess I can manage. I don't know if I should bring them up or not. Well, I know I Should really. 

I would think by now Nick would know we are equals. I don't judge him as weakened by his condition, rather I see him as the strong man he is, living in such a broken world with a broken body to boot. And much the same can be said about myself, in a different way. I've got my shit together way more than anyone else in his life, as far as I can tell (which, of course knowing my own fallibility, doesn't mean much really - but as this is my journal for ranting, I feel justified in venting these rather irrational thoughts).

So how DARE he think I can't handle knowing something like this, how dare he give into whatever guilt or fear he might be experiencing and not confess the truth of the situation to me? This issue has to be addressed, even as I've already forgiven him for it, because I know it will continue to show up in little ways if he can't work through whatever it is keeping him there. It frustrates me how many people would rather continue acting in ways they DONT want to act in order to avoid acting the way they DO want to. Myself included. Ah, c'est la vie. That is why even though I have already forgiven him, and my first reaction is to simply repress my feelings of hurt and anger and unwantedness to spare him the pain of discussing it, I know we must bring it out.

Sigh. I'm trying to use this journal more to vent about my life because my new therapist has encouraged me to do so. So here it is, world. Freaking here it is. Again.

i'm tryin to get somewhere...

Its been an interesting week. I feel as though I've kind of started coming out of another dark, spirit crushing period. Homeostatic anxiety is NOT a fun thing to hold all on your own.

One thing I absolutely love about Nick is that he can't hide when he's in pain, emotionally or physically. Its very refreshing. He doesn't hide it or try and distract himself from it by doing other things, or focusing on other people, like I tend to. He just...is stuck with it, wounded out in the open for everyone to see. Well, he can put on a face of some amount of strength for other people, but he never does with me. Its like he so desperately needs to be able to relinquish that pain holding him down it just knocks him onto the ground as soon as we are together alone. And then how much easier it has become to pick him up again when this happens.... as long as I myself am nourished enough to handle it, of course.

And thats been the problem for a little over a month now. There has been no time for me at all, and I'm realizing now (or at least more fully realizing) that most of the blame for that lies with myself. I can't keep throwing myself onto the mercy of other people... as I so often do. Even the few friends I've kind of established up here, I notice right away that I kind of set myself up to be "used" as nothing more than someone they can vent at. I know its not fully my fault...part of it is probably just that there are not so many peopele out there today that can truly listen and invigorate the way I can, at least in my age group...

But for the last month... I have literally felt as though my entire being, physically and energetically, was experiencing constant tremors... the anxiety, a feeling like I'm about to fall violently on the ground and shatter into pieces... Or like a volcanic flow running beneath hardened black lava rock, slowly building in pressure until it starts to crack through the surface and with a burning glow erupt out and eradicate whatever tiny specks of life had begin to grow again.  Of course, that sort of eruption is not just a destructive thing...its incredibly life-giving too. Because that lava represents parts of myself I have been trying to feel and connect with for a long while now.

Its getting better now. I started seeing a new therapist. Lisa was unfortunately just too close to my mom to continue working with at this juncture, plus I'm glad to get a chance to observe another MFT at work. She is quite different than Lisa was, and I love it.

Right now the lava has yet to completely break through the crusty outer layer. Its kind of seething just beneath the surface, causing the glowing cracks to undulate slowly as the pressure builds up gently.

I'm going to try and encourage myself to show. Its very scary to me. I've started opening up to Nick in a way I never have before, opening up in a way I never could before to anyone! Mainly because I wasn't ready, and I have been so convinced that a) no one wants to hear about me, and b) they wouldn't understand even if I did. But he did! Thank God. I am starting to believe that someone actually loves me. It is sad that it has taken this long for me to be able to feel that. I have been able to think that peopel love me for a long time. But I don't think it ever really hit me at my core...someone actually loves me. And wants to take care of ME.

ME? ME of all people??! Why would anyone want to do that? How could they? I'm less than scum. I'm not a real person. These are my feelings when I try and comprehend that. But slowly, those feelings are being melted away, just like the blackened rock on top will melt back into the warm, loving flow beneath.

I can't keep ignoring myself though, this much is clear. Part of me remains incredibly frightened to attempt this change. My whole life has been focused on people or things outside of myself...well, mostly. I have always had a desire to grow...but not really by focusing on myself. Not really. Its too easy to get distracted by the world around me, be it people, rats, or even just a beautiful grassy hillside dotted with wildflowers.....

I am just rambling now. But thats ok. I shouldn't be so worried about limiting myself. I know that much of what I struggle with is stuff many women struggle with. No, many PEOPLE in general struggle with. I have a lot of resistance to making anything about my gender still. Although honestly I think the feminist movement takes it a little bit too far. Yes, men and women are incredibly different in so many ways, and sure those ways should be honored and understood.... but its gotten to the point where it seems as though men are belittled by the all-beautiful, powerful woman. Again, yes, women are beautiful and powerful in a very special, unique way....but so are men, right? Its like Yin and Yang....you need a balance. I suppose the world is just super out of balance right now with the shift from the bad old sort of patriarchy towards true equality. That true equality will not be reached until we swing back from this militant feminist woman worship we are in right now. Just the way of the world I guess.

I certainly hope and pray we get there. Maybe we won't, until God comes and changes everything.

I have been questioning everything I believe so much. I have decided that I would prefer to belief in creationism. Having taken a ton of classes with all the evolutionary theory indoctrination, I came away for a while totally believing we had proven evolution. But I'm realizing that it is still only a theory, backed mostly with "evidence" that doesn't actually point towards anything more than micro-evolution, caused by the mixing of our genes from one generation to the next. While I'm not able to prove that creation scientists claims against the macro-evolutionary evidence is completely true either, the sheer fact that they can provide evidence just as scientific in nature as the evidence given FOR macro-evolution leaves the whole thing at another standstill. Its just another chicken or the egg dilemma, as far as I can see. And ultimately, it just comes down to what any individual chooses to believe in personally. You can choose to believe what much of society believes today, or you can choose to believe what creationists say, in spite of most of society considering what they say to be total malarkey.

It makes me a little frustrated to feel ostracized by people claiming to be open minded, who claim they base their beliefs off of proven scientific evidence without actually examining said evidence themselves, and without even HEARING about evidence to the contrary.

But as I said, none of that really matters. What it all comes down to is that, as humans, we are limited by our very beings to our human logic, human sense, and human belief. Until we can perceive outside of these limitations I sincerely doubt we will ever be able to move out of our need for FAITH in some form. Ah yes we are in the "secular" age now, we don't "need" a religion. Sure, but we will always need a "God" in some form....some sort of structure in which we organize our thoughts, feelings, social systems and behaviors. Be it through science and the humanist manifesto or the bible, we are always pinned to some form of faith, or belief. ALWAYS. Theres no way around it. Even living your life saying, "everything is subjective" is a form of belief, and a way you attempt to shape your life. Theres no way around it. Gosh, when I first started thinking about NOT believing in evolution, it was earth shattering to me. Probably a large part of what started my tremors, honestly. Because that was how my entire world was framed... haha, but the fact that even those beliefs can be changed just proves how limited our ability to ever know the "truth" is!

So I have decided I want to believe in our Lord Jesus Christ, and God the Almighty Father, and the messages He sent to us that were recorded in the bible. Sounds crazy to someone whose faith lies in athiesm, I know. But doesn't your quest for freedom for all include those who want to believe something so anti your own beliefs? of course it does. It sucks because even though Christians preach to live as Jesus did, the only fully righteous man to ever walk the earth, they are too flawed by their humanity to ever live exactly this way themselves. I certainly fall prey to it myself at times. This leads to a lot of feelings of hipocrisy towards Christians as we see them preaching one thing and practicing another. We are all so limited by our humanity. It sucks.

Ok, well, I feel as though I have typed enough for today. I certainly have rambled quite a bit. These are all things I've had on my mind though so it is nice to have them recorded out. I'm cold and my hands are feeling funny. Maybe I'll try my hand at more drawing today.

Selfless.

Self less.

Self..........less.

Self...................less.

Self....................................less.

(my) self ............................Is.............less....

(my) self ........................................is............less...........

My self is.......less.....................than..........................................

My self is less than anyone else.



.
.

.
.
.
.

My self is lesser than anyone else's self.

Ah! So that's how that works.

Everything

Is falling into place. I know it is!

And here we go again...

Everything suddenly flashes full of meaning. The light streaks like a deadly bullet across my forehead, around the room and back into my brain. This is me! This is it, I'm here, my destination. I gave it away didn't I? I have wanted this for so long. I have been a traveler, haunted and alone, restless....seeking....another traveler. But that was wrong to do, in the way that I did it. To some degree, anyway. Bah! It was just another part of being human, which surely, is separate from that part of me I was seeking. Indeed it was. I feel it in me welling up inside me, from deep down in my gut. It is hard to focus on it through the pain, especially the physical, the objective, and the realness around constantly clouding my vision inward.

My destination is not the end of the journey. The journey continues, like on a platform between stations. But its been a long time coming to this particular platform. I feel the readiness bubbling up from within now...I shiver from cold and agitation, and I like that. This is me. This frog in my throat, holding back the mucus from the world and keeping my falseness silent. I cannot think, because if I start down that path, it is wrong, it is so wrong, I will lose sight of when to step onto the train!! I can't keep doing that! Oh how many times... but maybe that was how many times I needed to fall back before I could actually do it right!

Lets hope.

Lets eat!

Yes, I'm starving. And so lonesome, you have no idea how cold I have been. How dejected and enshadowed I've become....lying in a corner alone, wispy cobwebs of your love falling and fading on the floor around me.

The tears come out, big and beautiful like juicy pieces of fruit. Lets make a salad! I have been longing for your love. I have been longing to be held and known. Please come and be with me, be with me who is me and who is beyond your thought, your voice, and your world. I am here, always, stirring in the corner, with a little grin brimming with gentle strength, and an ageless wisdom. I love you. I love you I love you I love you more than you have ever known. You, so alone yourself, without me there, with your hands tied and your heart emptied out to the drunkards and the gluttons of your life. Why must we keep being so separate? Do you feel that chasm between us? It runs so deep, and for every millimeter down it is like a hurricane of pain and coldness.

Your tears are beautiful. Your cries are out of beauty. A beautiful place, a loving place, meant to be so warm and gentle and beautiful....and this pain and this sadness is not yours alone. No, no, no. It never has been. We must be strong because this pain and this sadness is that of the worlds too. And you have always known that. And you have used that as a reason to distance yourself, an excuse. But it just expands that feeling of destitution, you know this. You know all of this because this is YOU.

You can't keep doing this to yourself!! It has to change, it has to. This can't go on. Trembling as the keys pass by your fingertips, the blue glow of the keyboard so irrelevant..........those thoughts creeping up on you to distract you! This is a desperate situation, do you see that?? Please remember! This is for God! It is! It is! How can you love God if you cannot love the person He made you to be? How can you even know him if you can't know where he resides within you? You know it. You know it. Please remember. Its SO important.

This is real, this is real, this is what life is. This IS WHAT LIFE IS. Do you not see that? So few get as close to reality as you have. You have no idea what you have? This is GOD.

Ears ringing with the silence, with the power, with the lack of the world as you've ever known it, felt it or believed it to be.