Stuck in head: Helios' song coast off

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh holy crepes!! It's been a crazy few days stress wise and emotionally wise. Really getting to the brink sort of feeling all the time...like by brink I mean... Just really exhausted; my endurance is being tested at all times and it's a constant struggle to know what is the best way to respond to someone so lost in their own eternity of pain and depression. This was probably the loneliest thanksgiving ever. Probably up there in the list for worlds most lonely thanksgiving, seriously. I had carls jr for lunch and pie and wine for dinner, all by myself. But for the last few days since then I've not even thought about this! Things got better all of a sudden as they always do. We both veered away from the edge and regained balance, at least partially.

And now it's a couple days before I take a train down to carp and attend grad school and I haven't done much of anything on my school work! Whoopity doo big surprise! I'm beyond being able to stress about this stuff anymore. I know I will do it by the deadline. No big deal. I baked a chicken breast with potatoes and carrots tonight, it came out ok for not using too many spices or anything to avoid stinking up the apartment. I burnt some bacon on the grill last Wednesday and it made things start to go way downhill. Or st least in my perspective that is a huge factor. It is hard cooking for one person somewhat.

Oh so I got the keyboard for the iPad, one that meets my requiremens. I like it a lot. It takes some getting used to having to touch the screen instead of using a mouse, but I'm hoping I will get used to it soon. I only just started messing with the word document apps and so far I have some major reservations about the single one ive tried. I nigger up buyin a few different ones, unfortunately. It's a whole new system to learn regardless and I kind of hate that aspect of it. Bleh.

So that is kind of my life right now. Huh. Mostly ok feeling at the moment.

(train noises)

Very tired at the moment. I definitely tend not to write in here uses I want to expell some amount of negativity from my system. I'll try And be more balanced.
Oh and I got the wrong keyboard for my iPad it turns out the stupid things one of those rubber or plastic deals and there is no say my crazy nimble 120+ wpm fingers can work with that nonsense! Look at my high horse! Nyah nyah!

Slwoly tryin to work my way back into an actial relationship again with my mom , still dot feel quite ready but closer...

The last few days I've again had An amazing energy holding me up thru any storm . It is a small symb of who I am growing into , or who I would like to grow into. A superwoman who can do it all and give give give with minimal given other ken return or whatever....

Anyway I'm so sleepy falling asleep as I wrote this on my iPhone g
Again nnn

Hufffffff and doooown!!!

Gaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!!

Ok so I am typing on my brand new iPad 2 right now! It's a bit easier than the iPhone at least although my actual keyboard hasn't arrived yet and I still cannot stand touch screen keypads for long periods of typing. It's just not comfortable for my fingers. I am very much a tactile typer. A lot of little glitches in the software for this thing are still making me hesitant about whether or not this was the right purchase. Text selection in particular is proving difficult or tedious in different ways. I wish there was a way to use an actual mouse on the iPad but I have heard there isn't. That is a massive bummer. But I wouldn't be surprised if it didn't solve the problem even with a mouse I dunno. Sigh.

Most of today I felt so great. Uplifted, really. Back to myoldawesomelevel of positivity and energy, something's haven't felt in a long time.... But now I am back down again. I feel so isolated up here. It is quite hard living alone with Vampy. Tonight I tried to open a bottle of wine and after struggling with it for around 15 minutes I asked him to help and though he succeeded in opening it it released a lot of wine due to the pressure I guess and some of it got on his sweatshirt. It seems as though that was just the last straw for him and he shut himself away in his room again.... And the day had been going somewhat well between us.... I don know if I can put up with all this all on my own. I know he doesn't mean to stress me out or make me feel really bad when things like this happen but it seems inevitable nd it always happens.......... And now I just feel so alone again. So alone. I gave up my whole life for this man and he can't even be with me all the time. A lot of the time, it feels like lately....

I'm an idiot.

Sad and restless when I shouldn't be...

They sail light, ocean
Sail this night, ocean
Shimmer like gold, they're singing
Filling my sleep so gently

Just let it take you
Just let it steer
Just let it take you
This is easy...

Counting the days...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PIuNNhjYJrc&feature=youtube_gdata_player

I don't know if that link will work. I'm in another restless mood. Hung out with jj and Persian the last couple Days. And I come home and I'm just sondrained. Its like I can't be interested in anybody after too much exposure. I am too depleted. It always worries me though when this sort of thing happens, because then I wonder, how everlasting are any of my emotional ties to any of these people I know and supposedly love? Am I just incapbake of loving anyone permanently??? I don't know. I guess the problem again lies within my own lack of self knowledge and unity. There's no way I can love others if *I* can't figure out who what or where the I is. It's a scary thought, especially in forming close relationships with others. Its a terrible terrible thought in that sense, and I really hope there's a lot more to it than I curretly see... There must be. I am so blind, the more inthink about things thr less I know, you know yadda yadda..

...also...even after spending two days with jj and Persian and today with nick...I just feel so alone. Empty...almost. What the heck is going on? I have no idea. Really. Restless...