Is it right to let go of your own blood?

The cOnfrontation with my mother Sunday evening was very difficult and confusing and painful, just as I would have expected. She essentially said she would stop talking to him but that she did not think it was such a huge deal and that it was a gift to be able to forgive even the ones who had hurt you most. I feel as though that is well...an appalling thing to say to your child when she comes to you and pleads with you to stop being friends with a man who essentially raped her and destroyed her ability to trust herself and other peoples emotions/behavior...and it also doesn't directly apply to the original request at all. You can try to forgive a murderer, as he is still only human and ultimately we all have the capacity for such actions, but you do NOT by any means have to remain friends with him, or care about his wellbeing beyond hoping that he will see the error of his ways and find salvation etc....but my mom equates talking to this "healer" who blatantly took advantage of the all too trusting environment of my family home as being able to forgive him.

All this tells me is that my mother truly doesn't know how to care for my feelings. And as an indirect result of MY FEELINGS BEING IMPORTANT TO MYSELF AND HOW I OPERATE I have come to he conclusion that she cannot truly care about me either. Even I in some twisted way she does care, I canncannot continue to expose myself to this kind of hurtful behavior.

Because of this, I have begun to consider more thoroughly detaching myself from my family. It was so painful to be around them this last trip, and I'm starting to realize that many of he panic attack moments I've had and all the sleep terrors and so forth are probably related to my continual exposure to these mixed signals of sorts from my mother, who one minute tells me she loves me and en the next minute stomps all over my feelings and kind of inadvertently relieves herself of all of her own anxiety and pain.

And ye part of menus so strongly resistant to the idea of separating myself from my mother, and my family, who all seem to be rather unsupportive in this matter, unable to understand or accept the validity of my feelings about K or other things, as it has been over a year and supposedly I'm supposed to be over it and be able to forgive and forget I guess??!

I'm all up and down as usual. Am I being too hard on my family? Should I just accept that they cannot be there for me in this matter, that thu cannot understand? Or do I jus cut things off with then for a while, maybe a long while, so I can continue to strengthen myself until I am ready to stand solidly against their current of mixed messages and selfish perspectives...?

Oh and of course my mother has still not removed K from her Facebook.

Well, you're not there...just stay out there....

Its official, my little netbook is dying. Its been coming on for a little while now, the first major sign was the sound giving me problems. Display has also been weird at times, and it constantly wants to restart for updates. Now the wifi connection seems to be slipping. I guess this little guy has been plugging along long enough. I'm considering buying the newest generation of it when I get my student aid money or something... but I'm not sure what to do yet.

I'm at school again. Long, hectic drive down last night on a random country highway near Paso Robles, that apparently James Dean died on. I looked up exactly where he died, and it is creepy, I remember clearly that intersection because I kept missing the turn i needed to take and had to turn around twice, coming to a full stop because the lanes are so narrow. Very creepy all alone in the dark in the middle of nowhere at a place of infamy. Haha, a sort of infamy.

Anyway I need to read something before class. I am such a slackerbutt.

I paid my dues....

Writing on my iPhone again...I think I'm getting more used to this thinger.... Vampy thinks apple Inc could potentially become the mark of the beast at some point, as there are some similarities with apple products and the things described in revelation. I must say the idea of using your phone to Pay for things still kinda creeps me out.

Anyway, it is very stressful trying to be independent. Money becomes such a huge stressor. I am fortunate to have some loan money leftover as well as access to vampy aide. But still...so many bills to start worrying about on top of te entire change of environment, plus new job, new commute, new year of school just about to start (which as always I am so underprepared for), new life goals....so many new things to get adjusted to. St the end of each day I'm exhausted physically (ugh so out of shape) and mentally and emotionally. But heck this is probably what being an adult is like right? Part of me knows I can handle all of his stuff just fine, so even with the exhaustion I am already seeing how easy I can let it all go...at least sometimes. I guess all of my own personal crazies and anxieties can't just disappear overnight anyway...and sometimes those things combined with all the normal adult hints I'm starting to take on can really become too much. I've had moments now where I could see myself be

Becoming an alcoholic. iPhones messin again. So imma stop now just to keep it easy...
becoming

I have not had access to my little netbook on my new places wifi...and it's stopped me from wriing in here as I only have my iPhone for personal use...and this blog is very private.

So I'm writing this on my iphOne right now and it's an nteresting experience. I still don't know how I feel about smartphones...there's just something about the ease of use that I dislike. I'm slowly becoming more Christian in nature. Iv always been religious really, most of my life I've been involved with the catholic church, even when I had the choice I often attended of my own volition. So it makes sense to me to get back into it now, albeit in a slightly different form. It is still the same God, the same messages and practices, for the most part. I love having a more defining name for that wonderful positive energy I feel inside me all the time too; the Holy Spirit staying so close to my heart, guiding me.

My own work as a therapist has started. I really do feel as though all of a sudden I've become a real therapist, it's quite intense, but so far, it's great, or at least it feels as though it's something that I can do, probably something that I can do very well, especially after I've learned more.

I've b

For some nreason it's not letting me type there. I feel a little lonely up on this new town, although it's only been a couple weeks so far....but I guess I got used to the bustle of my family

Ok fits still being weird...I'm kinda just rambling anyway so I will stop for now and fix this at a later date.....