:(

Im having some planning issues

BUUUUH

I feel stupid and terrible right now

Even though I just had an amazing experience up north. I got the traineeship! Its going to be crazy, I start Sept 7 and the way this place works is not what I was expecting at all. I'm nervous about tit, but very excited. The whole thing is set up to immediately throw you in to what its like to have a private practice. You sort of just use the counseling center as your own office, and of course with trainees you get supervised hours too. But I will actually end up making some money from my traineeship position...anywhere from $15-40 a session after I bring in my first $500. Thats taking out the parts that go to the center itself. I wasnt expecting to make any money...its incredible how this whole thing is working out. I'm going to move to a small town outside the city ill be working in...and its so peaceful and cheap there, I can't wait. In the middle of countryside...the air is so clean and smells so lovely, its quiet and has a lake with a very windy river that reminds me of England....

Coming back to my family home today was so stressful. I'm dissociating so much, out of a need to. It was a shock to the system coming back after two peaceful days away in such a lovely environment... My mom shrieking at me, dogs barking...everything so chaotic and dirty and just uncared for.... I am so tired of it. Its just how my family functions, and it used to be ok for me, I figured out how to adapt to it just like everyone in the family has indviidually adapted to it, ages ago, who knows when, right upon leaving the womb I guess... but again I'm changing so much, I'm out of the bubble now and it feels so wrong being here. I just feel like crying right now, for other reasons, but it all ties back in to this stressful environment I'm sure. I just can't stand it. Everyone wants to be in my business all the time, my mom askng me a million questions as Im dog tired from the 6 hour drive that I did...

and now I feel stupid for even complaining about it at all. I just feel stupid and useless and dumb. I'm not good enough for this traineeship....they are expecting me to be a fully fledged indepenent therapist! I've only done practice sessions with friends and acquaintances!! I will have to be completely on my own, minus the supervised hours.... but its good. Its just....scary.... I have to grow up now. Thats kinda it.

its hitting me

Man, I feel so old right now. I'm twenty freakin five years old. Five measly more years and I'll be in my thirties. Time is going by so fast. It speeds up and up and up forever right? Well I'm feelin it.

Sitting here taking a break between doing my online psychopharm class and surfing the net I see some facebook photos from a family friend. I used to babysit for their daughter when she was a toddler. Shes well in to her preteens now I'd guess, from the looks of her. Hadn't really seen her since she was around 6 or 7 years old I guess. She looks so different. I guess I haven't had too many of those "look how much shes grown" things yet in my life. I'm gettin olddddd......

Interview in a couple days making me nervous. Im very hopeful. If  I get this position it will also involve a somewhat significant life change as well....

I'm feeling fat.

Well, grad session for summer is over! Jeesh am I exhausted, even still. Trippy.

I'm feeling very fat right now. I was looking through some of the photos from JGB's trip out here and it seems to me that the ones of me frolicking on the beach all show how lumpy I've gotten over the last year or so... my stomach sticks out far too much, its not that I am really fat, it is literally that I am out of shape. My shape is only good when I am well-toned. I can't get away with being chubby or untoned like some women can because I don't have big enough breasts to distract or balance it out. Or at least this is all how I'm feeling right now. Who knows if thats true or not.

Its all quiet in my house and from the corner of my eye I keep seeing faces poking out from another room and its freaking me out so I'm going to go.

depersonalization/derealization: possible thesis noodlin'

From Chapter Four, "The Morning Of The Stroke," Page 38

“Immediately, I felt a powerful and unusual sense of dissociation roll over me. I felt so peculiar that I questioned my well-being. Even though my thoughts seemed lucid, my body felt irregular. As I watched my hands and arms [on my exercise machine] rocking forward and back, forward and back, in opposing synchrony with my torso, I felt strangely detached from my normal cognitive functions. It was as if the integrity of my mind/body connection had somehow become compromised.

Feeling detached from normal reality, I seemed to be witnessing my activity as opposed to feeling like the active participant performing the action. I felt as though I was observing myself in motion, as in playback of a memory. My fingers, as the grasped onto the handrail, looked like primitive claws ...

... I felt bizarre, as if my conscious mind was suspended somewhere between my normal reality and some esoteric space. Although this experience was somewhat reminiscent of my morning time in Thetaville, I was sure that this time I was awake. I felt as if I was trapped inside the perception of a meditation that I could neither stop nor escape ..."

http://www.dreamchild.net/DPDR/dpdr.html

parparpar

It feels like it has been forever since I've written in here... lots has gone on. JGB came for a visit the very day of the last post. A few days before her arrival she had freaked out on me over something that I still believe was a simple miscommunication, and thus I was incredibly paranoid the entire time she was there that she would explode on me again. It was as though an abusive partner had threatened me if I stepped out of line. Sort of what it felt like. At the same time, there were a few good moments. But also, everything was tinged by the fact that my face still felt like just recently cooled plastic that had been melted and burned, and was in the stage of cracking and refitting itself to its new shape sort of. And JGB likes lots of photos...so now I have all these disgusting photos of my face to photoshop to get them to look at least somewhat normal. Seriously disgusting. Doesn't help with my BDD to have to stare and sort through these photos right now.

So the whole time was sort of forced and tinged with anxiety, I had to act much more than I would have liked to. I think part of the reason is because I feel much more distant from the type of person I used to be with JGB and J... and going out clubbing is not really something I enjoy anymore at all... the whole scene is just too......gross and dangerous feeling to me now. I like dancing but I would prefer a healthier sort of environment to do it in....need to find one of those free-dance places around here I guess since I can't really do it at home....JGB and J also strike me as grosser than before...and so immature...almost in a kind of...dare i say, primitive way? But then everyone at the clubs and on a day to day basis also come off to me that way...it just seems like a lot of people have shifted their attentions away from advancing in their lives and now seem to have made physical pleasure and to some degree ego-satisfaction their goal. JGB kept talking about how badly she wanted to get laid in CA before she went back home. She was sleeping in my bedroom with me and kept asking me to go sleep in vampy's room, which is not something  i ever do because it disturbs him. I think she just wanted the room to herself. She had brought toys. I honestly can't express how offensive that seems to me, in multiple ways. Maybe I'm being too harsh though. Maybe I was over-idealizing the world before...maybe its always been this big mixture of shallow creeps and nicer peeps. Haha, that could be a great album name "Shallow Creeps and Nicer Peeps."

Also my 6 day summer session starts tomorrow, and I'm late in doing my assignments as always...and of course this is when I decide to write in this blog too. Excellent news came today though - I have another interview lined up at a traineeship site - and this one seems like a shoe in! Its with another classmate who hyped me up to the coordinator a lot. I talked with her briefly on the phone and she seems like my dad, who is such a pushover for me I'm hopin I will be able to win her heart in a similar manner.

I'm looking to move out of my parents house as soon as I can,  just waiting to get my finances into shape. Not sure how that is going to work out. It might be pretty soon....thank goodness. I'm feeling more and more separate from my family as the days go on... the dysfunction I used to thrive in is finally starting to feel abnormal and hard to function in at all.

I should get to work. I didnt have too much to say. I feel sorta nervous and pentup right now.