being different isnt a bad thing

It doesn't mean you have to feel certain ways about anything, it doesn't even have to be distinguished as being "different."

Why?

Nothing is inherently bad or good or really any other adjective in and of itself. It just is the way it is.

Usque universalis, nihilum sanctus, nihilum profanus...

Not sure if I have that quoted right, I don't know latin, just trying to remember something I've seen on a license plate frame for years now.


So things just are the way they are. Life just IS the way it is. Yes, ultimately it is all empty and meaningless...but it is empty and meaningless that it is empty and meaningless!

So why care if you feel isolated from the rest of humanity? It doesn't matter. It just is that way. No need to make up some level of personal significance to this because we all know nothing matters anyway.

Haha, of course...we all will anyway. Because we are human and its what we do. Even I do it. I'm typing in this blog right now, making up some level of personal significance about what I'm writing! Its inevitable because we are trapped in these human bodies riddled with hormones and genetic codes that urge us to do things and with these human brains that give us thoughts that tell us things mean this or that and that the world IS one way or another...when really all we see and think and feel, its just another part of the random, meaninglessness of being alive.

We aren't really all that different from the mindless animals we see around us. The biggest difference that we have is that we SEE a difference. We can "think" we are different. Whereas animals are just driven by their chemical and their genetic instincts to run around, eat, sleep, fuck, and poop, our chemicals and genetics drove us to develop a way to make shit up in order to get around certain adaptive problems we faced somewhere in our history, with the overall goal being to find better ways to eat, sleep, fuck, and poop. What we ended up doing was finding a way to feel like we are different.

Because truth is pretty much everyone you meet will tell you, "I've always felt different from the rest of people." Ever noticed that? Now how could that be true? Humans are genetically programmed to "feel different." Now that in itself implies we aren't completely different at least, and I suspect we all have much more in common than most of us readily want to admit. This is why most of my life I've tried to deny the fact that I feel different. This of course makes no difference, because innately I still feel different, and just trying to deny the fact that I feel different when no one else seems to be doing that MAKES ME FEEL DIFFERENT.

Oh, its all so meaningless and empty anyway..........

Its interesting the way this blog post has wound about sorta. It still feels really incomplete to me. Hmm...its also important to note that this whole spiel in here is just one tiny facet of everything I wonder about....one tiny part of who I am? I dunno how to say it better than that. Anyway....

Oh. So what do we do with ourselves, our inevitable human mechanisms that create meaning when there is no meaning and cause us all these "problems"?

Well, I'm not completely sure if this works for everyone, but for me, just being able to take note that nothing really matters is quite a relieving idea. And even though on a day to day basis I will continue to get sucked into all the useless interpretations of being alive that my brain creates, all the problems I make up for myself, just trying to keep the meaninglessness of it all present in my mind helps take the weight off a little bit.

OMG my car is broken down and I have no money and I need $34958366 for such and such before this deadline ahhhhh!!!! ----meaninglessnessmeaninglessnessmeaninglessnessmeaninglessness------- yes....hmm well my car is broken, I have no money,and I need such and such etc etc....mmhmm...okay..."

I guess it serves as a source of comfort, the thought of meaninglessness. It doesn't mean I'm going to just sit down and die and not do anything because its all meaningless though, thats one way to take it I suppose but why do that? All that does is make you feel crappy. And even though feelings in themselves are meaningless ultimately too...you still have to live with them!

And if there was a choice given between living a happy pointless life and living a sad pointless life...huh, I'm choosin the happy one, because its much nicer thank you very much.

And it works across the board.

Gaah


The forum training stuff is soo awesome. But I've really forgotten a lot of it already. Its hard to keep it all in perspective when you're out in the real world away from all the possibility.

I want everyone in my life to do it, so we can use the same language to work on problems. But I let my own assumptions about others keep me from being really committed to getting them all involved.

I just have to remember: I create all the breakdowns in my life. It is so important to remember that the only one who can ever be responsible for any problem in your life is YOU, because every life is separated from reality, from every other person, on some level. You can change everything just by readjusting to that perspective. The perspective that you create everything.

So...the last entry I said I wanted to be happy. Simply enough I need to just be that way. Create the perspective that allows me to be happy. And to share it with others...because if I don't share it, it will get tarnished or pushed away again whenever I'm with anyone - I have to keep it present around others or else it will not exist anymore. Thats what has happened...I've lost my ability to create my own happiness because I've destroyed the possibilities I can create for myself.

Goddamm. I also make everything feel so complicated and hopeless. I gotta stop that. Bluhhh its hard! We all resist the things that seem hardest to change. I've gotten complacent about the idea that my relationships have to be complicated and hopeless and unfixable but that is simply not true.

I just hope I can keep everything in perspective.

i dont know

I don't know how much I know about nothing

I might know some things...

Random things...

Bits and pieces of a few different sorts of things... here and there...

Well here I am, a week away from starting graduate school, starting out in a way so typically grad student-ish. No money, no real source of income, car basically dead, no way to buy the books I need to do homework thats due the first day of class...all my relationships in a mess, my heart and my head all messed up....

I keep swinging back and forth between hopefulness and hopelessness, believing in and eager to have good times one second and wanting to hide under a rock the next. I feel like all I've been doing is either hurting people, not being good enough for them, not being useful, or just encumbering them in their own progress or just not being able to give them what they want....which even if it isn't good for me is what I tend to want to do....gahhh I have to stop doing that!

Its hard to stop doing the thing you feel so drawn to do. God, am I really going to try and be a therapist? I have all these doubts plaguing me about this. I know graduate school will be good for me regardless if I decide to go into therapy...I suppose I should just be satisfied with that, even if it does put me in even more debt to do it....it will change my life.

The problem is Im not satisfied right now. I want to make peace again, in all areas of my life, so badly. I can't stand all this discordance between myself and my loved ones, it feels horrible.....................and yet I can't fix it. I can't just make everyone happy.

I have to figure out how to make myself happy first I guess....we shall see what Lisa says...

bombombombom

Man every time I get back to this blog and look over previous entries I automatically think, "Man thats not right! Why was I thinking that?"

Obviously this blog is a good example of just how big of a transition I'm in right now. My outlook is in constant upheaval... however...I know that my core way of being hasn't changed. I just haven't found out all about it yet.... I have a pretty good idea I think, and it shows even in my previous entries. All the little things in here that seem to be similar....they point to my core way of being. All the rest of it, eh, its just crazy talk. But crazy talk has its place, its just a way to sort things out obviously.

I feel as though I'm getting better at doing what my gut tells me to do. I suppose I've already been better than many at this, as being uninhibited is one of my core values, and going with whims is part of that in a way. And yeah, sometimes you dont want to go with your gut right off the bat, but I think really 99% of the time its a good option....and...well, what other option is there? What else will make you happy? Happiness is a feeling, so if you go by something other than your feelings....you have no way to know if it will make you happy.

Anyway thats a thought for the day. Totally getting distracted by my dad right now. Going to sign off.

Oh, I loooove distractions.........................

I've had no time to write in here.

Overall, I feel like things are getting better...