Self less.
Self..........less.
Self...................less.
Self....................................less.
(my) self ............................Is.............less....
(my) self ........................................is............less...........
My self is.......less.....................than..........................................
My self is less than anyone else.
.
.
.
.
.
.
My self is lesser than anyone else's self.
Ah! So that's how that works.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Friday, March 16, 2012
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
And here we go again...
Everything suddenly flashes full of meaning. The light streaks like a deadly bullet across my forehead, around the room and back into my brain. This is me! This is it, I'm here, my destination. I gave it away didn't I? I have wanted this for so long. I have been a traveler, haunted and alone, restless....seeking....another traveler. But that was wrong to do, in the way that I did it. To some degree, anyway. Bah! It was just another part of being human, which surely, is separate from that part of me I was seeking. Indeed it was. I feel it in me welling up inside me, from deep down in my gut. It is hard to focus on it through the pain, especially the physical, the objective, and the realness around constantly clouding my vision inward.
My destination is not the end of the journey. The journey continues, like on a platform between stations. But its been a long time coming to this particular platform. I feel the readiness bubbling up from within now...I shiver from cold and agitation, and I like that. This is me. This frog in my throat, holding back the mucus from the world and keeping my falseness silent. I cannot think, because if I start down that path, it is wrong, it is so wrong, I will lose sight of when to step onto the train!! I can't keep doing that! Oh how many times... but maybe that was how many times I needed to fall back before I could actually do it right!
Lets hope.
Lets eat!
Yes, I'm starving. And so lonesome, you have no idea how cold I have been. How dejected and enshadowed I've become....lying in a corner alone, wispy cobwebs of your love falling and fading on the floor around me.
The tears come out, big and beautiful like juicy pieces of fruit. Lets make a salad! I have been longing for your love. I have been longing to be held and known. Please come and be with me, be with me who is me and who is beyond your thought, your voice, and your world. I am here, always, stirring in the corner, with a little grin brimming with gentle strength, and an ageless wisdom. I love you. I love you I love you I love you more than you have ever known. You, so alone yourself, without me there, with your hands tied and your heart emptied out to the drunkards and the gluttons of your life. Why must we keep being so separate? Do you feel that chasm between us? It runs so deep, and for every millimeter down it is like a hurricane of pain and coldness.
Your tears are beautiful. Your cries are out of beauty. A beautiful place, a loving place, meant to be so warm and gentle and beautiful....and this pain and this sadness is not yours alone. No, no, no. It never has been. We must be strong because this pain and this sadness is that of the worlds too. And you have always known that. And you have used that as a reason to distance yourself, an excuse. But it just expands that feeling of destitution, you know this. You know all of this because this is YOU.
You can't keep doing this to yourself!! It has to change, it has to. This can't go on. Trembling as the keys pass by your fingertips, the blue glow of the keyboard so irrelevant..........those thoughts creeping up on you to distract you! This is a desperate situation, do you see that?? Please remember! This is for God! It is! It is! How can you love God if you cannot love the person He made you to be? How can you even know him if you can't know where he resides within you? You know it. You know it. Please remember. Its SO important.
This is real, this is real, this is what life is. This IS WHAT LIFE IS. Do you not see that? So few get as close to reality as you have. You have no idea what you have? This is GOD.
Ears ringing with the silence, with the power, with the lack of the world as you've ever known it, felt it or believed it to be.
My destination is not the end of the journey. The journey continues, like on a platform between stations. But its been a long time coming to this particular platform. I feel the readiness bubbling up from within now...I shiver from cold and agitation, and I like that. This is me. This frog in my throat, holding back the mucus from the world and keeping my falseness silent. I cannot think, because if I start down that path, it is wrong, it is so wrong, I will lose sight of when to step onto the train!! I can't keep doing that! Oh how many times... but maybe that was how many times I needed to fall back before I could actually do it right!
Lets hope.
Lets eat!
Yes, I'm starving. And so lonesome, you have no idea how cold I have been. How dejected and enshadowed I've become....lying in a corner alone, wispy cobwebs of your love falling and fading on the floor around me.
The tears come out, big and beautiful like juicy pieces of fruit. Lets make a salad! I have been longing for your love. I have been longing to be held and known. Please come and be with me, be with me who is me and who is beyond your thought, your voice, and your world. I am here, always, stirring in the corner, with a little grin brimming with gentle strength, and an ageless wisdom. I love you. I love you I love you I love you more than you have ever known. You, so alone yourself, without me there, with your hands tied and your heart emptied out to the drunkards and the gluttons of your life. Why must we keep being so separate? Do you feel that chasm between us? It runs so deep, and for every millimeter down it is like a hurricane of pain and coldness.
Your tears are beautiful. Your cries are out of beauty. A beautiful place, a loving place, meant to be so warm and gentle and beautiful....and this pain and this sadness is not yours alone. No, no, no. It never has been. We must be strong because this pain and this sadness is that of the worlds too. And you have always known that. And you have used that as a reason to distance yourself, an excuse. But it just expands that feeling of destitution, you know this. You know all of this because this is YOU.
You can't keep doing this to yourself!! It has to change, it has to. This can't go on. Trembling as the keys pass by your fingertips, the blue glow of the keyboard so irrelevant..........those thoughts creeping up on you to distract you! This is a desperate situation, do you see that?? Please remember! This is for God! It is! It is! How can you love God if you cannot love the person He made you to be? How can you even know him if you can't know where he resides within you? You know it. You know it. Please remember. Its SO important.
This is real, this is real, this is what life is. This IS WHAT LIFE IS. Do you not see that? So few get as close to reality as you have. You have no idea what you have? This is GOD.
Ears ringing with the silence, with the power, with the lack of the world as you've ever known it, felt it or believed it to be.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
I never look forward to night time
Its so scary at night. And all my bad thoughts get worse then. I can't stand how I look. I look like a disgusting trollfaced, misshapen, lumpy, useless womanly thing. I'd make a great ugly witch for halloween...but thats about it.
I have to stop torturing myself like this. I swear...its killing me.
Echoes from so many years past...
"....I looked in the mirror, and was horror-struck because I did not recognize myself. In the place where I was standing, with that persistent romantic elation in me, as if I were a favored fortunate person to whom everything was possible, I saw a stranger, a little, pitiable, hideous figure, and a face that became, as I stared at it, painful and blushing with shame. It was only a disguise, but it was on me, for life. It was there, it was there, it was real. Every one of those encounters was like a blow on the head. They left me dazed and dumb and senseless every time, until slowly and stubbornly my robust persistent illusion of well-being and of personal beauty spread all through me again, and I forgot the irrelevant reality and was all unprepared and vulnerable again..."
I keep waking up in the middle of the night. It creeps me out.
I have to stop torturing myself like this. I swear...its killing me.
Echoes from so many years past...
"....I looked in the mirror, and was horror-struck because I did not recognize myself. In the place where I was standing, with that persistent romantic elation in me, as if I were a favored fortunate person to whom everything was possible, I saw a stranger, a little, pitiable, hideous figure, and a face that became, as I stared at it, painful and blushing with shame. It was only a disguise, but it was on me, for life. It was there, it was there, it was real. Every one of those encounters was like a blow on the head. They left me dazed and dumb and senseless every time, until slowly and stubbornly my robust persistent illusion of well-being and of personal beauty spread all through me again, and I forgot the irrelevant reality and was all unprepared and vulnerable again..."
I keep waking up in the middle of the night. It creeps me out.
Monday, February 13, 2012
WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
http://7chan.org/fl/src/hey.swf
I am feeling a little bit better. I went out and got myself set up to do a low carb diet. I ran till I almost threw up today too which helped. Shew. Probably not the best way to cope with this random uprising of ze BDD but.....better than being up all night crying about it...
I am feeling a little bit better. I went out and got myself set up to do a low carb diet. I ran till I almost threw up today too which helped. Shew. Probably not the best way to cope with this random uprising of ze BDD but.....better than being up all night crying about it...
Sunday, February 12, 2012
have I always had a fat face too? not just an ugly but a fat one?!
Or is it just because I've gained so much weight the last few months!?! I don't know. I have a fat face now at least and its made me even less attractive than I already was. Now my chin totally recedes into my fat neck and my eyes have gotten extra puffy all around em (they already were really, I have pug eyes) and my foreheads got a weird lump of scar tissue on it or something that is so noticeable in pictures AND now that I've been using a flat iron apparently my hair looks extra dry and lifeless and apparently I've been doing my eye makeup wrong or my eye pencil is not good enough or something. Those last ones were courtesy of my mother.
My arms are all flabby and jiggly. Sigh. I could probably complain forever about my appearance. This is such a strange neurosis of mine...because I hate on myself for being ugly, and then I hate on myself FOR hating on myself for being ugly... a cycle I've been dealing with for most of my life now it seems. Theres just no winning, so I go back trying to not think about it, or trying to pretend I am attractive. Or maybe even momentarily believing it. As long as my makeup is fresh and my hair is covering most of my face its possible, especially if no one can see me up close. Then I can pretend to feel pretty. Until any of those factors changes.
Sigh. Up and down up and down....as always. Moments of total clarity and awesome, followed by random bouts of insanity. Yep. Pretty much sums me up.
My arms are all flabby and jiggly. Sigh. I could probably complain forever about my appearance. This is such a strange neurosis of mine...because I hate on myself for being ugly, and then I hate on myself FOR hating on myself for being ugly... a cycle I've been dealing with for most of my life now it seems. Theres just no winning, so I go back trying to not think about it, or trying to pretend I am attractive. Or maybe even momentarily believing it. As long as my makeup is fresh and my hair is covering most of my face its possible, especially if no one can see me up close. Then I can pretend to feel pretty. Until any of those factors changes.
Sigh. Up and down up and down....as always. Moments of total clarity and awesome, followed by random bouts of insanity. Yep. Pretty much sums me up.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
WHEN DID I
GET SO FAT?!!
No seriously this time!
I weigh 121.4 lbs now. I have a muffin top in some of my pants. It is DISGUSTING. Life with Nick is so sedentary, and he eats nothing but carbs and fat and sugar. Its no wonder really.
Gosh, its not even that I look terrible. Cuz I do. But I FEEL terrible. I can feel the extra squish on my waistline and my thighs at ALL times. I cannot stand it. I cannot stand it. But what the hell am I gonna do!? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH IF I BECOME A FATTY I REALLY DONT KNOW WHAT I WILL DO...................
No seriously this time!
I weigh 121.4 lbs now. I have a muffin top in some of my pants. It is DISGUSTING. Life with Nick is so sedentary, and he eats nothing but carbs and fat and sugar. Its no wonder really.
Gosh, its not even that I look terrible. Cuz I do. But I FEEL terrible. I can feel the extra squish on my waistline and my thighs at ALL times. I cannot stand it. I cannot stand it. But what the hell am I gonna do!? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH IF I BECOME A FATTY I REALLY DONT KNOW WHAT I WILL DO...................
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