whererrrwhirrrawherraawerraaaaaa

I can't even begin to describe how horrible I've been feeling for probably the last two weeks, almost completely continuously.

I am trying and trying to understand what exactly triggered it. I feel like something snapped and I woke up from a supremely fabricated delusion of ability. And so now I'm like a puppet hanging on broken strings, arms feebly wobbling towards my workload, my head twitching at an awkward, downtrodden angle... I can't keep doing this! Almost 9 months I've lasted, faking my way through this position, taking on case after case after case with almost no guidance given to me beyond the spontaneous, desperate phone calls I've made to people also struggling to keep up with their work. And the sad thing is its the clients ultimately that are suffering from my incompetence. The new employees I have to "train" end up with inferior training because I have only half an idea of what I'm doing at any given time... and it trickles, it trickles...

Whats the point? Am I supposed to keep struggling over the next few years, slowly figuring out everything I need to know to do this job effectively? Meanwhile, all of my clients become upset, realizing I'm not doing all of the things previous qualified people in my position did for them simply because THEY KNEW WHAT THEY WERE DOING AND HAD THE CONFIDENCE TO TRY!?

Because now not only is it that I'm half-capable. The bubble of confidence I had managed to create has burst; I have lost whatever faith in myself to perform that I once had, the faith that carried me through countless meetings with parents and other professionals in the field that actually know a thing or two about appropriate treatments and so forth... And without that I perform even worse than before.

I'm just barely hanging on here, every moment feels like another opportunity to fall apart. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't even find the energy to move most of the time. I've never felt as low as I do right now, how sad. How sad that my world hinges so delicately upon something like my own delusions of confidence. Who is really to blame here? My company or myself? I go back and forth, hovering longer upon the latter in all probability, but thats nothing new.

Ugh, I just want to run away, or die. Preferably the first one, at least for others' sakes.