not by awe

I'm not sure where to begin. Some kind of softened soliloquy, saying nothing and going nowhere (story of my life?). Its one of those somber rainy days in the city, the ones they show at the beginning of movies, the cameras close to the ground to watch the water droplets splash up against shoes, delicate little white sprays flaring up around their pant legs as they hustle off to their sundry destinations.

I suspect its supposed to evoke some sort of emotion. But what emotion? Certainly nothing beyond an increased anticipation for the real story to begin, right?

But its that moment right there, with the splashy white water and the damp, shivering pant legs hustling down the sidewalk, that I relate to the most right now. I feel struck, but not by awe.

This blog is so interesting. A tiny time capsule of written emotion against a purple backdrop; nothing more than letters pressed in sequence across my keyboard as I sit here silently, alone, stoic. Nothing new there. What is this buzzing in my forehead? What? Sentience? Who knows, really. These words import some of the mystery, perhaps, but not really. Oh, geez, why must I always go there...

I wish so much to just to let go right now, just let the words flow out without stopping without thinking of what I'm going to say next because that is how one actually creates that is how one opens up and unfolds a story out of their mind, out of the secret recesses inside that they don't normally know about. Is this dangerous is this wrong? I don't know I can't say I'm torn in two directions.

Yes, there is evil inside me that I don't want to touch, but I cannot believe that is all. I hope that is not all.

There is some energy though that I want to unleash, something I cannot comprehend, and yes something that I am a little afraid of. What is that blackness I can see from above the rim of my glasses, so far out of my field of vision?

When will I ever stop skittering around my own particular brand of madness and see it for what it is?

Yes, what is this impending secret that I wish to unleash upon the world? Theres something sly, something sneering and prideful linked to it. This makes me pull away in shame.

I must stop now before I really lose it.