Whenever you run away
Whenever you lose your faith
It's just another stroke of the pen on the page
A lonely ray of hope is all that you'll need to see a beautiful history

the velvet folds of a petal

I can see it a little bit. Little glimpses of a gleaming, satiny life full of love and peace and joy so far removed from the world there can be no pain. There is darkness there, but no fear.

What an absolutely shocking thought.

I think... I dream...I hope... to feel those deep, dark, delicate, velvet folds envelope me.

Someday, someday to be out of this madness, this duality, this fixation on chaos. That is what I have a hold on. I have a fire inside me that will never go out. My own little pilot light that so far has been nurtured by the most short-lived and inefficient fuel source invented. And yet it is so powerful to me.

Oh Sandi... I miss you so much. You gave me a vision of a new future for myself that I had never thought possible. Another role model so different from my mother, so different from any other role model in my silly life (where I hardly spent time looking for role models in the first place).I cannot finish my thought. I have been drawn away... away..

Why love, why? Why why why?

Why am I always so damn sad here?

Please stop.

You have no idea how hard it is to lie down next to you at night after you've spent the whole day silently ignoring me...whilst trudging around the house, no words given to define your sudden change in attitude. How can I not offend you? Would it help if I stopped existing? Sometimes I wish I didn't anyway so perhaps it'd be a win win. 

As everyone within earshot would tell me if they knew, i knew what I was getting into so I have no right to complain. I've brought this upon myself. Good, I guess. I deserve it after how terribly I've treated others myself...A taste of my own medicine so to speak...To fill this page with as many cliches as I can before I put down my iPhone and try to sleep next to a man that I simply cannot make happy no matter how hard I try or how desperately I want to. 

I want to get angry sometimes but my anger always quickly diffuses into agony beyond words. Trapped. Can't do anything to help can't do anything that won't hurt. Can't leave can't stay can't be together can't be alone can't have friends over cant cook meals can't read a book can't watch a show can't fucking breathe can't even fucking let myself cry out or let the tears show and now I lay here next to you shaking in the dark hearing you breathe seeing the pale shadow of your shoulders moving ever so slightly above the pillow and I'm dying oh, oh.... If only it were just a very sad dream. Because how sad, how devastatingly unknown and unimportant it all is...because it doesn't matter it can't matter, it just can't because then why do I keep living? My life is that kind of bad dream that stays with you long after you've  woken, casting a dimness over an otherwise cheery scene and stealing away any mirth or optimism left inside.

Pluots!

Oh, Iced earl grey tea... Where have you been all my life?

a smoker's paradise

It stinks. I can feel the smell seeping into every cell in my body, slowly creeping in from without to poison me...poison me down to my very core.

Perhaps I'm being a little melodramatic.

I cannot stand the constant smell of smoke now. It feels so toxic. Maybe I'll get to have cancer in time for my birthday! Cancer for a cancer....right....har har....

Every day is a struggle. Every freaking day. I either struggle doing NOTHING, or struggle trying to do EVERYTHING. The only in between is confusion and illness. Those also overlap of course with nothing and everything....such a headache.

I'm such an arrogant little others-pleasing twat sometimes. That seems a little contradictory but my attempts to please others so obviously stem from a need to boost my own ego it really isn't at all.

But part of me can't help but feel a little indignant. A little selfish. I can't figure out how to not feel selfish all the time...or whether I'm incorrect about the whole concept of selfishness....or if I'm just too selfish to permit myself to understand it..or do something about it....ugh...its such a strong smell.

When will I ever learn how to behave? Probably never. I fail so miserably at actual meaningful relationships with others. I always let them down, don't I? Even if they don't realize I'm letting them down, I am. What could I do to stop this problem? I don't know. I'm at a loss.

Or maybe it just isn't possible to be 100% all the time. There has to be a little room for me, somewhere. Whether or want there to be or not. I think I do....I think so....I think...it would help. To say the least. Smokey tears...

FUCKING A PLEASE STOP IT. PLEASE STOP THIS TORTURE. I feel as though there are screws twisting down through my lungs toward my heart, clinching me from all sides. That is what it is like when you do this. STOP IT..........................................................................................please..................................................................................