one staggering sway at a time

It might be good to remember that I'm stuck with this body that I have. So............. I might as well be comfortable with it.


Embrace it as part of who I am.... ugly or not.










puhh..... anyway, this bdd thing is obviously just another clever avoidance tactic on my part...

No one said
That this would be easy
With each step
the ground disappears
And its not dead
But you can't seem to reach it
Once a friend
Has turned into a thief

You have got to find the key somewhere
to unlock the mystery
if you dare
Time is nearly up for you
to save the world

where are things now....?

How long now?
How long now?

I love you
Steel painted eyes
Feels like snow
Change my head
Days so long...

You never know, you never know
You never know
You never know, you never know
You never know
Just how long it will be...

Here we go again
We're going round and round
Here we go again
We're going round and round

Today I know --
It's too long dare
We'll see
Feels like snow;
Chained myself to me

You never know, you never know
You never know
You never know, you never know
You never know
Just how long it will be...

Here we go again
We're going round and round
Here we go again
We're going round and round

How long now?
Longest story...

Welcome to the human condition

WHY AM I SO UGLY? I guess if I was normal ugly from the start it wouldn’t be so bad. But my ugliness has gotten worse with age, I think. And the worst thing is, some people call me pretty, or beautiful, or whatever. Why do they tell me I’m so beautiful? It just makes it hurt all the more when I look in the mirror and see how inaccurate they are. Its like they do it just to point out to me again that I’m a disgusting, ill-bred creature that causes everyone who sees to stare with eyes wide before they look away hurriedly, hoping I didn't notice. Maybe what it is is that they can see how I might have actually been beautiful, if my skin wasn't so horrid and my overall facial structure wasn't so deformed. They see the hints of beauty, the odd angle or two where things look relatively proportional and symmetrical, and the skin stuff isn't too noticeable. And then the angles adjust and they see the grossness, all of my ugliness in conjunction with the potential for some amount of beauty buried deep underneath...

I know this to be true, all of it! I know it! I know it is true and no matter what anyone says, they're lying! They don't want me to be aware of how ugly and weird I am, for some reason. They try to make me feel better with their lies about me, calling me beautiful as if it was even true in reality. STOP CALLING ME BEAUTIFUL DAMMIT

God dammit, why am I so insecure? And why can I have these brief moments where I step back from my own personal madness and see things for how they really are? I know I’m completely off step about all this shit but it doesn’t stop me from getting sucked into it over and over again…….

Every time I think about my face, I just want to shrivel up and die. Thats how bad it is right now. Fuck me. I'm an idiot.No, I'm worse than just an idiot, at least they have the possibility of loving themselves. I'm a shallow idiotic slug with no self esteem.

I'm trying so hard to be a woman right now, but I can't. I don't look like a woman. I don't have the necessary bits, the mannerisms, the hygeine, the ability to style myself properly. The face, etc. I'm just some piece of shit creature with no real level of phsyical attractiveness whatsoever, no identifiable gender.... lkasjglaksjg;lkfgja i might as well shutup this self loathing is just making me feel even more pathetic

keep on truckin'

Exhausting day. Drove an hour and a half north to do one measly practice session, but hopefully it was worth it. It was nice to spend some time with my father as well.

Pressure for school work coming up. still haven't studied nearly enough for my DSM exam coming up in a week and a half. The idea of memorizing 3/4 of the DSM has been so daunting i've avoided even trying. Great strategy, of course, definitely a winner.

Other things on my mind lately have also stopped me from doing more of my work... did get through one whole reading assignment though, and have been doing my online course work. But i realyl need to find a traineeship site. They are all filling up so quickly. Just found anotehr place in Simi I am going to try and apply at.

So much sadness. Pain.

forever falling

I have to keep remembering that I've chosen most of what I'm dealing with now. Not the stuff I was hypnotized over, not that. The newer stuff. All this pain that I don't have to deal with, but am dealing with. So much pain. Sheer agony. And I'm choosing it for a damn good reason. At least one good reason, maybe more. And its a selfish one too. I need this pain. Its like when you work out at a gym and get sooo exhausted/overworked because your body doesn't want to strain itself. Part of me doesn't want to strain myself with this either, but I'm just gonna burn through that resistance and keep going. I'm gonna get through all this pain, strengthening myself through this trial until the pain no longer has a hold on me.

And then just think of what might be possible.

i can still feel it

Cant sleep yet. Had a weird dream last night where i felt what it was like to be dying. My breath slipped out of my lungs one last time, my heartbeat slowly faded away... and right as it was all about to stop, silently, completely...as my soul was being pulled out of my body, I woke up with a start.