who needs forever?

Be still my ----

And close your eyes

Don't say a word

No hows or whys

Everything I need, within me

All the dreams I've dreamed, are true

And all the starry skies, inside me

When I'm next to..........

Back and forth....back and forth..........

Restless...........

...........Lets live this moment 

Like its the last........................

Vague           vague          vague         Vague          vague          vague        Vague

.......,,,,,,,,,......

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH


I really have no idea. Of my own worth, of any others worth. Of any relationships worth. It feels like my rug keeps getting shakin out before any dirt can pile up in it. Ugh, what a terrible metaphor. Its like those auto-cleaning bathrooms in europe - every time someone poops in one and they leave then its automatically cleaned??? No thats even worse!! AGH!!!! It makes it sound all wrong. Thats not what I mean.....Darnit! 




I kinda just feel like theres no point in trying to have a relationship at all. Its like... just not ever gonna be the way I want it. How can I be with someone else so completely in the way I desire when I can't even be that way inside myself? Sigh, that old tired argument again. ,.......

HUPS and downsss

I have been  soooo confused the last few days. Starting to feel really disillusioned....again....

I just keep going back and forth about what I want to do with myself. Who do I want to be with.... one or the other? both (in differing capacities?? and in which capacity to each??) ??

Its been difficult. Frustrating, kinda painful.....well, mostly just...difficult. Its like a constant uphill climb with this guy. Sure its a great workout but I am not the type of person who likes to be hiking ALL the time with little more than a 15 minute breather every once and a while. Haha how odd...another mountain-esque comparison.

What it points to at its core is again that I just need more balance. I've stilll been unable to give this to myself. Or to gain it in my current situation anyway. Which is making me feel like I should just give up this endeavor.

All my financial trouble has made me start thinking its really time for me to get a job again. I just found out that my old job at the RRL is looking for hirees again.....what a surprise, with the horrible management and all around unpleasant work it involves.... but its pretty good money and the hours aren't so bad....sooo I probably should reapply. I don't see why they wouldn't hire me back.. I left on good standing....

Itll probably help me balanace tbings out to!

MORE LATER!

what i feeeeel

This month has been flying by...

such a whirlwind...

Been having a lot of weird dreams lately. Pretty much every night...most of them are unsettling in some fashion too. Painful or uncomfortable... Really a great reflection of my current state of mind I guess....

I'm so tired of being the source of such tremendous pain, I can't stand it. I really can't. It goes against my entire being to be that person... the villain... the evil, manipulative, cruel person who doesn't seem to care how much she hurts someone else....even though inside I dont feel like that kind of person, even still, in the face of all the evidence pointing to me being so...

Its something I never dreamed I could be. Ever. And yet it has come to be.

I really have no idea who I am.

GOOD DAY

pshiighh

sickypoop

In some other universe right now, things are all perfectly happy, and I'dve never hurt one I care so much for.

Unfortunately that is not this universe. And I don't know how to operate in one other than the one above...

Have I made the right decisions this past year? I honestly don't know. This is why I'm dragging my feet, drawing all the pain and confusion out forever....