Ugh, I'm in a horrible state right now. I can't stand it. I just keep looking for distractions from MYSELF......

.......when the hell did I have to start doing that!?! Why!!? I doubt everything I say, do, think, feel....everything.

Its awful. I'm so mixed up. I don't want to hurt anyone. I shouldn't be around anyone. Its not good for them...not really. Its not good for me...to be around me. Ugh. But all I want is to be around someone.... even though its not helping anyone to be with them, in fact its probably just bad........

 

I feel just...broken.

Trampled, dirtied, dripping and seeping................into nothing.

I keep losing sight of where I end and others begin...or vice versa.

I am dead.

We are all dead.

Incomplete

I've been re-realizing a lot of stuff lately. I've always gotta say "re" in front of all that stuff because I know its generally stuff I've thought about or recognized before...but with the way the world works, the way human brains work...it just gets shifted out of focus over and over again as daily life continues...

One thing I re-realized is, no matter how much I want to be with someone completely, passionately...to help them feel better or to motivate them or whatever you want to call it... I can't really do it.

Its not possible, at least not right now (I still like to leave space for the impossible, just in case). Why? Sort of because of what I talked about above...

Because I'm human.

Every person's life is, by design, going to be about itself.  Rule number one in our genetic code: protect your genes. Rule number two: pass them on. Everything else a person does in life is fundamentally run by those two rules, even if just in some long, indirect way.

I got it in my head ages and ages ago that I wanted to really be there for another person (s). I wanted to help. I wanted to instill the same vigor for life I have in others. How the hell can I even begin to do that when I don't know why I feel like that in the first place? I just am that way. How can I even be with another person when I can't fully just be, myself? I thought I had that last bit for a while...but I definitely don't any longer. Its hard to be alone now...which is something I never thought would be a problem for me.

 I can vaguely look back to my years in high school...shortly before 11th grade when I really was soooo happy, just being alone. Thats when I really started attracting other peoples attention...because I had something so many people want...a completeness, pure joy...spurred not by anyone elses presence, just something I had because I could have it, all by myself. It ended pretty quickly though. Why? Because I let it. I got involved with someone, who, to this day, means a lot to me, but who I had to plug myself and my pure joy into, and mix myself up with...diluting the pureness with whatever emotions he had in himself...he was shattered and depressed and full of self-loathing and doubt...

Still, I loved him. I could see the beauty in him, the seed of joy inside him that he couldn't nurture. Oh, I see that with so many people....I thought maybe I could nurture it for him, use my happiness to help it grow...

But thats not enough...not really. It creates something new, something neither completely one person or the other. Thats a relationship. The space between two people where their emotions, their personalities, meet and mix and, in a way, make up a new person, a new way of being, that only exists when those two people are together. Each individual feeds off that relationship, taking a bit of the mixture in and using it to supplement their own personal emotional bank. It feels good though, usually, for myself and the other. And...maybe it can help a depressed person to take in some of the happiness from another person, but its only ever gonna be a temporary fix because they aren't able to create that happiness for themselves when alone.

Sigh....yet my original desires for helping others be passionate about life for themselves has been lost. I guess that whole idea is just bunk anyway. If a person is to simply enjoy life for the sake of life, its only somethign they can develop. Trying to instill it in them myself just creates a relationship, a joint pool of emotion where they feel MY zest for life and, when I leave, are left with just a hollow reminder of how awesome it felt, and no tools to create it themselves.

I guess I realized this was how it was on some level, and thought, well, if I just limit who I share myself with, I can just be with them all the time and give give give and maybe eventually just by being around me they'll permanently hold onto happiness. I love giving, I really do, it feels so wonderful to light someone else up, it definitely lights me up a bit too to see it...but the way I am lit up is like a reflection of a reflection on some dim surface....

I've been alright with this modus operandi for a while now. Well, I've been doing it my whole life, but its only been recently that I've noticed my supplies have or are very close to running out. I've been depleted of joy and have only the love for others left...yeah...theres so many layers of happiness in me: joy, passion, love for others....but one by one theyre going to fade out if I keep giving giving giving as I so long to....

and what use would i be to anyone then?






I am mightily incomplete.

yet still. Still. Yet....

There is a constant, thrumming anxiety centralized somewhere over my heart. Its been there for the past few days...maybe longer.

At any rate, been looking through old poetry. I believe that every person, for the majority of their lives, mostly deal with the same struggles over and over again. They create the same problems for themselves, they give in to the same bad habits or make the same mistakes over and over again. Even after we identify the problems we have its awfully hard to actually "fix them" - perhaps impossible in some ways. If how you truly are is at the root of the problem, how can you actually change it? Its who you truly are. So then its not fixing it that you must do, it is finding the best way to deal with it, or how to most adequately apply it to your life.

And remaining aware of the potential effects it has on your life. Being aware of yourself is so important, and for myself and probably most everyone exactly what we tend not to do. Its more comfortable to not be aware of yourself, truly aware, because to face who everyone really is is to face the death of who we've come to think we are.

Oh how easy it is to get lost in something else, anyone else! To avoid dealing with our own problems by using another person, animal, thing, whatever, as a bandaid, a crutch, whatever you want to call it. I question the very reason for any relationship because of this tendency. Is the only reason for being in a relationship, beyond of course the basic desire to carry on our genetic code, simply to have another place to create a fake identity? A shared, but nevertheless false identity? Well, its not always shared. Not ever exactly the same anyway just by the very nature of humanitys disconnection from...humanity. The creation of this fake identity plays a part in every aspect of our lives, not just relationships. But I think the relationships part is a huge part of it and since it effects more than one person often presents the most trouble/pain.

Why can't a person be happy on their own? Why do we all crave a relationship? I suspect fundamentally, beyond the identity stuff, its our animal brains urge to procreate supplying our human sentience with another area to make up a reason simply to cover up that its literally just a desire to procreate. Why do we feel incomplete unless we can share something with another? It reminds me of that saying, "He/shes my other half." That phrase has always bothered me because it implies we are all just half a person walking around waiting to find the other half of ourselves IN SOMEONE ELSE.

The things people do to maintain these distractions we call "relationships"...can be scary. Making things into games...trying to manipulate things, to control them and cling desperately to them...all to avoid looking at what we think are our faults, our problems...or simply the nothingness underneath it all.

I'm not saying I'm immune to these urges myself. I've become far too wrapped up in my relationships the last few years, now I look back fondly on a time I can hardly remember when I was obligated to no one but myself. But I bet if I did separate myself those urges would come back strongly anyway. Still, I think it most important to strive to be able to be completely content when alone, with no one but ourselves for company.

I have the tendency to create the same identity with my relationships over and over again. Ive started catching myself in some key habits too. Like feeling used...when its me who is giving nonstop! Its my choice! Yet I feel victimized for it. I feel as though I don't know how to be selfish, but really, I'm being incredibly selfish in my selflessness; just feeding some fundamental compulsion I have to lose myself in the world of someone else, giving myself up and dissolving into the other person. And that idea right there in that last sentence is also just another habit - another thought I have created about who I am or what I do. When really....theres nothing. [note to self: this section is incomplete. its not just a compulsion?]

And where do I go from there? Where does anyone go from there? Theres really only a couple places to go...beyond the grave or back to where you were! And if the second choice is taken, the key is to be able to remain aware of all this shit when you go back. It seems almost impossible to me to be capable of doing that. I'm so easily distracted....I guess I can't help it though, I'm only human and all right, thats what we do best.

Anyhoo, I can't think on this anymore. I have crap poop crap to do. Heres an old poem I think relates to everything in my life ever (written circa 2004)


I know so little

But --

I know

That you

Don’t know

Me

Yet still

I believe you



The distance

Between myself

Grows further



Would you mock me?

You ask for the servant

To vie with the served

You know so much

But what do you know

Of this?


A game played

In conceited languor

You play the master

And

I will play the fool

For I love him

Dearest of all


Wow this entry has become very long. Again just another awesome way to distract myself on some level. Even though the thing I'm distracting myself from here is just another distraction in itself. Awesome.

!?!

Is this going to work finally?!