Stop lying...please...

I wish people would stop telling me I'm beautiful.

Pretty, hot... whatever they wanna call me...

It's all such a lie. They think that that is what I want to hear, so they say it... thinking it will make me feel better about myself. I don't get how they would assume such... why are people so inconsiderate? So insensitive? Does that sort of compliment ever actually make someone feel good about themselves?

They can't fool me... they can't convince me of something so utterly false.

I know my deformity. I know it better than anyone else, because I see it every day. I can feel it the moment I wake up. I just try not to  think about it...

So I hate the times where I can't avoid looking at it. I think that if people would just stop lying to my face about my face, when I have to look at it... it wouldn't be so bad. I'd be able to accept my ugliness and focus on more important things...

Because I know really my looks shouldn't matter anyway.... but for some reason, they do... and to be reminded once again of my obvious hideousness masked in a supposed compliment.... it just destroys whatever semblance of confidence, of comfortableness, that I've been able to build up between exposures to my marked disfigurement.

To have someone verbally point out ANYTHING about it, really, is just another reminder of how utterly disgusting it really is, and how I am stuck with it. There is no amount of makeup or pretty hair or clothing that can disguise it. I am stuck with it for life, and its only going to get worse as I get older.

Well, at least the older I get, the less people will feel the need to lie about it... and I can finally accept it. Just have to wait until my age shows enough so that people stop expecting beauty across the board. In a way, I can't wait.

I just wish....I don't know... I wish I was either totally ugly or totally pretty, and not some weird place in between; pretty eyes set in an ugly face... Either way would be better. I think then, people would stop lying to me. And I would be confident instead of unsure when I walk into a room, confident either way. Accepting the situation for what it is. JUST STOP LYING BECAUSE YOU THINK THATS WHAT I WANT TO HEAR! I KNOW YOU'RE LYING. YOUR LIES JUST MAKE IT WORSE.

Its such a stupid thing. Hubs must think I'm so stupid for feeling so upset about it. Well, I know that I am.  But it doesn't stop me from freaking out when we go to get our pictures taken and I fix my hair and makeup and dress and then get destroyed when the photographer shows us what hideousness has been captured, my trollishness saved forever in her computer files, distributed out amongst the congregation in the directory.

At least everyone else is used to my repulsiveness; having to see it any time you interact with me must help them get past it. I'm sure at first it is odd, but soon it just becomes who I am to them... I wonder how long until I can accept it for what it is and not freak out... I know that I'm right. I have thought for a long time I was suffering from BDD. But I have gotten past that... and I see my face for what it is. Maybe in some angles, with certain lighting, I look ok, I will admit that. But in reality, my face is a mess. And it always will be, unless I get plastic surgery or something. Which I won't do for moral reasons, I guess...

If people would just stop lying to me... it really would help me accept it.... just please stop lying to me. Don't call me beautiful when its not true. Don't tell me I should be happy with how I look, as if I am some kind of supermodel when that is SUCH A LIE. THERE IS NOTHING BEAUTIFUL ABOUT ME. If you can't think of anything nice to say without lying, DON'T SAY ANYTHING.




I don't want to care anymore...so please....stop making me...

This is my story, this is my song

Do you realize who it is, you are seeking for?

Do you, realize?

How can you be so flippant?

How can you ignore it so ?

A parent to its child.

Is seeing always believing?

Or do we see what we believe ? 

And if one thing we see is just what we believe, how do we determine which is real and which is fake ? Consensus? Do all square pegs fit into the same square shaped holes? 

So what is truth?

Is the only hope to seek outside of ourselves for the answers ? 

Decisions

Too many voices inside my head

Telling me what is best

Take out the trash, 

Don't be crazy!

What do YOU want?

What is wrong with right here?

How come you can't let go?

Don't treat me like that!

Please, just stop this endless suffering.

What good will come of any of it?

How could you let this happen?

Who are you even?

Just do as you should.

Just do as you should.

This is what you should want.

Don't let them win!

Don't leave me!

It's over. Give up.

If you bend you're gonna break! 

Watch as I break you.

I can't believe you would betray me like this.

Get out of my sight you hideous, sniveling thing!

Keep telling yourself you're in control and it'll be true..

I miss you...

Do what's best for you! 

But what about me?

I'm so frustrated and it's all your fault.

Who will tell me who I am?

How can I separate my voice from amidst such a din?

What do I want? What do I really want ?

Will I ever truly know?

Can I? 

Should I? 

Leave it alone, leave it alone, leave it alone....

Let the emotions settle down so you can think. 

Too much too much too much...

Gymnopédie

The last enemy to be destroyed is death.



















So, what is the delusion...death, or life?















Why even ask such a question?

As I sleep

A sign drawn in the sand
And a touch of a stranger's hand
I wonder what it means

Time spinning round and round in this space
Then it's gone without a trace
I wonder where it goes

Deep in the night when I hear no sound
I feel my heartbeat slowing down
My mind's released and free to wander
As I sleep

The past buried deep inside my head
All the words that have gone unsaid
I just want to let them go

Life on a distant star
Or a boat to where the wild things are
I just want to let it flow

Deep in the night when I hear no sound
I feel my heartbeat slowing down
My mind's released and free to wander
As I sleep

If you're quiet you'll hear the sound
Bits of the world as it spins around
We feel lost and we feel found
When we sleep


When we sleep
Sleep

Two worlds colliding in my head
I watch you as you sleep

Two worlds colliding in my head
Two worlds colliding in my head
Two worlds
Colliding in my head

In This Place

In this place,
there is nothing
permanent.
Everything can be replaced,
or broken;
worn down, abandoned...

In this place,
you watch
the light fade
in the eyes of those you love
as they are torn away;
asleep.

In this place,
we are ruled
by clever savages
who have learned
how to survive
amidst desolation
and chaos.

In this place,
We live in darkness,
sprinkled with moments
of peace, joy, pleasure...
Latching on to the hope
that each day will bring us more.

Until we realize,

that,

In this place...

Nothing will ever be
quite as it should.

And we will never know
quite

what it is
that we
are
truly looking for.

blankets of night

I hope you always know how much you are loved.

My dearest Sweetness,

You have and are my heart.

Every single moment, heart beating and in love,
I am in awe of what I discover in you.

In awe of what I want to share with you,

and you

alone.



 You don't have to be alone, anymore.

(and neither do I!)



I don't care if my don't cares sound cheesy,
or if what I don't care about
sounds even cheesier... because its all true.

I look at your beautiful face, your eyes, and I see your stillness,

your thoughtfulness,

your acuity,

but most of all I see security.

Someone who is for certain.

Someone who will never give up,

Someone who will never fail me,

Someone who truly loves me, for me...

Someone who is real.

Someone who can tell me what is real, and what is just a harmless dream,

its all ok, nothing will hurt you anymore, you are safe now, with me.

Someone who will always do what is good, and true, and pure.

And I hope you never forget how much you are loved...




 If there was anything in this world that I was made to do, it would be to love you.


To show you wondrous, colorful, vibrant love.

And even this must be pale in comparison to what awaits us in heaven, with God.

It is so important you remember, you are loved...

Because we know that all that is beautiful and good comes from the Lord,

and this love for you is so beautiful, and so good, it can only come from one place...


I hope I can always remember to be so truly thankful for what we have been given, what a gift. What a blessing. A miracle. God is so good. So beautiful beyond words. What good gifts He gives us, it is only right for us to give as much as we can to show our love and gratitude. We mustn't be complacent in our faithfulness.

Pray.

I love you.

And Oh Lord, how I want to love You.