Well, I guess I feel more...settled about everything. Resigned, or something, at least. I was beating myself up for no reason. I shouldn't let things get to me so easily, its silly and pointless. Why do I insist on forgetting this?
Eh. Eh. Eh.
I just gotta focus on the present and stop lamenting about all my losses...because THERES NO USE CRYING OVER SPILLED MILK AM I RIGHT?
Monday, October 18, 2010
but seriously again
I've decided I'll try to be a little more productive than just sitting there and taking it, internalizing it all and then not eating and killing myself slowly. Just a little bit more productive than that...
I forget theres always openly communicating about things. Heh. So we shall see. I have all these random theories as to why things are happening the way they are......I feel so split up...
I'm tired but I don't want to sleep, and when I do I don't sleep for long.. I'm developing insomnia I think. Woah. Weird.
I forget theres always openly communicating about things. Heh. So we shall see. I have all these random theories as to why things are happening the way they are......I feel so split up...
I'm tired but I don't want to sleep, and when I do I don't sleep for long.. I'm developing insomnia I think. Woah. Weird.
why can't I just be......there.....
And summer's fall
Time is just a whisper
In a waterfall
Forever now
Forever now
Every road I wander
Brings me back here
Next to you
Be still my love
And close your eyes
Don't say a word
No hows or whys
Everything I need, within me
All the dreams I've dreamed, are true
And all the starry skies, inside me
When I'm next to you.................
(steve hiller version preferred)
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Surprise, surprise...
Through a lack of eating or drinking much of anything the last few days or week or whatever, plus all the emotional strain I've been under, I have managed to make myself physically sick as well. I feel so gross. I feel lesser than the slimy residue beneath rocks; at least it feeds other tiny brainless organisms. I'm apparently not worth anything of the sort, it'd be best if I was sterilized and sent away to a prison camp somewhere to make car doors or something.
Can you tell how low my level of self worth is? How dare I even give myself the privilege of accessing the internet to write in a blog about my own worthless, stupid, made up problems? I'm too inept to even use the internet. I'm not worth being in a relationship with. Not at all. I'm far too inferior, in pretty much every way. The only use I serve, perhaps, is to cart others of more significance around and get them shit they want. But only until they find someone better I would guess. Or perhaps less beaten down and broken. Or maybe more. I don't know.
I try to give, give, give, not really expecting much in return. Just seeing another person satisfied in some way is enough. Now maybe thats sick in some ways....... and I'm not at all saying I'm a good person for being altruistic. Its just another adaptation humans developed over time as a new strategy for survival. However, receiving insult in the place of thanks and in between everything else... I don't know how to handle that very well. I guess my default way of handling everything is just to be incredibly stupid about it all. Or at the very least to think that I'm being incredibly stupid about it all and then act accordingly or get so discouraged that I give up before even trying. Yup.
Evolutionarily speaking, it wouldn't make sense to continue giving to someone who doesn't give you what you want in return (with the assumption this is an isolated altruistic activity that will not be seen by anyone else who might be of benefit to you). But...thinking about it, I do get what I want back - as I said above - another person's satisfaction does it for me. Gives me that little chip of self-worth to add to my pile I guess. So, that is still being fulfilled......but at the same time, chip by chip, my self worth is being decimated.
So I have a few options. I can continue doing what I'm doing. Give and gain +1 self worth, and get back -10 self worth....I could try to give even more and hopefully increase the amount of self worth I gain from it...counter the negative get back....
Or I could just quit the game. I don't want to give up on anyone though! I still care! About them!
Well I seem to suck at everything so I'll probably do whats easiest and continue doing what I'm doing. Maybe slowly get myself out of it. Or die first. Who knows.
Whoo for melodramatic bullshit.
Can you tell how low my level of self worth is? How dare I even give myself the privilege of accessing the internet to write in a blog about my own worthless, stupid, made up problems? I'm too inept to even use the internet. I'm not worth being in a relationship with. Not at all. I'm far too inferior, in pretty much every way. The only use I serve, perhaps, is to cart others of more significance around and get them shit they want. But only until they find someone better I would guess. Or perhaps less beaten down and broken. Or maybe more. I don't know.
I try to give, give, give, not really expecting much in return. Just seeing another person satisfied in some way is enough. Now maybe thats sick in some ways....... and I'm not at all saying I'm a good person for being altruistic. Its just another adaptation humans developed over time as a new strategy for survival. However, receiving insult in the place of thanks and in between everything else... I don't know how to handle that very well. I guess my default way of handling everything is just to be incredibly stupid about it all. Or at the very least to think that I'm being incredibly stupid about it all and then act accordingly or get so discouraged that I give up before even trying. Yup.
Evolutionarily speaking, it wouldn't make sense to continue giving to someone who doesn't give you what you want in return (with the assumption this is an isolated altruistic activity that will not be seen by anyone else who might be of benefit to you). But...thinking about it, I do get what I want back - as I said above - another person's satisfaction does it for me. Gives me that little chip of self-worth to add to my pile I guess. So, that is still being fulfilled......but at the same time, chip by chip, my self worth is being decimated.
So I have a few options. I can continue doing what I'm doing. Give and gain +1 self worth, and get back -10 self worth....I could try to give even more and hopefully increase the amount of self worth I gain from it...counter the negative get back....
Or I could just quit the game. I don't want to give up on anyone though! I still care! About them!
Well I seem to suck at everything so I'll probably do whats easiest and continue doing what I'm doing. Maybe slowly get myself out of it. Or die first. Who knows.
Whoo for melodramatic bullshit.
Friday, October 15, 2010
to blame
What does it even matter? The fact that I know, have always known, in the back of my head and now moreso in the front, that I've been manipulated? Completely, utterly, lead on.
Fuck if it mattered I'd just been raped a few months previously, and prior to and after that manipulated & forced into sex, deceived on multiple occasions by those I trusted and some of which I'd known for most of my life, hurt physically and emotionally....and before that even my whole life having been hurt, lost, and in denial of some very traumatic experiences in general.
Actually, that did matter, because that's what made all this possible. Like a cheetah singling out the weakest gazelle in the herd. A cheetah who is even more in denial than I am, so much so he can't even see how he's exactly like everyone else.
But...in the land where everything is meaningless what does it matter?
It doesn't.
Awesome.
Even though theres a good chance I'm incredibly sick, I'm still not going to blame.
Fuck if it mattered I'd just been raped a few months previously, and prior to and after that manipulated & forced into sex, deceived on multiple occasions by those I trusted and some of which I'd known for most of my life, hurt physically and emotionally....and before that even my whole life having been hurt, lost, and in denial of some very traumatic experiences in general.
Actually, that did matter, because that's what made all this possible. Like a cheetah singling out the weakest gazelle in the herd. A cheetah who is even more in denial than I am, so much so he can't even see how he's exactly like everyone else.
But...in the land where everything is meaningless what does it matter?
It doesn't.
Awesome.
Even though theres a good chance I'm incredibly sick, I'm still not going to blame.
burn baby burn
I felt like I almost went totally crazy today. Maybe I've always been crazy and just believed others who said I wasn't.
My moms the main one i think...but hell if she isn't crazy too.
Well, I guess I'll never know. Because even if I am "crazy" who can actually diagnose me? Isn't everyone just as potentially nuts, albeit in their own special way of course.
Hey at least theres that, I'm crazy in my own special little way. Dawwwww....
My moms the main one i think...but hell if she isn't crazy too.
Well, I guess I'll never know. Because even if I am "crazy" who can actually diagnose me? Isn't everyone just as potentially nuts, albeit in their own special way of course.
Hey at least theres that, I'm crazy in my own special little way. Dawwwww....
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
fsdkfjsfksj
I meant to post something in here all day. Today was mostly positive. Revivified after some good ol' fashioned psychotherapy. I realized that some things that I'd started to think we wrong in my life were just fine the way they were....and possibly better than they were. So many things....like how so much I want to be that unrelenting positive force. I don't care if its foolish or hopeless or anything I'm gonna be the one that keeps beating against solid brick walls with my bare fists, slowly wearing it down one fist at a time!
FISTS OF AWESOME!
FISTS OF JOY!!!!!
FISTS OF AWESOME!
FISTS OF JOY!!!!!
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