I don't want to spend my whole life building up a legacy to leave behind.... I'm just happy with a simple life...
How does anyone know if anyone else is crazy? Where is the line drawn on that?
It feels like it relies heavily on cultural expectations.
But, trans-cultural expectations, thats a different story, of course. Dangit. Never did get back to that post... of most importance...
I build up these little walls of thought, of associations. Lots of soft, musty lining within them, all nice and noise dampening and potentially cancerous.
So fascinating to see it in someone else, but to know the connection is impossible...
A flash of consciousness conveyed via globules of meat and nerve endings.
Immediately bringing fear, revulsion, and distrust.
I felt anger the other day, for the first time in a very long time. It is easy to remember it because it was so unusual. Along with it came waves of guilt, shame, and self-disgust; emotions far more constant in my day to day operations. It was such a trivial thing to be angry about, and it didn't last long (not when it was punished so efficiently, of course). I am still weighing whether or not it is a good thing, or a bad thing, to feel that sort of anger. But at the very least, it is safe to say that some part (or parts) of me is (are) in major upheaval.
Me me me me me me me me me...............
Where else can I talk about myself so fully? Without worry of burdening others?
Maybe with a therapist. But even there, I can watch myself accommodate to their needs. It is almost as though I have no control over it. And the more I realize that, the more I try to control other aspects of my life in unhealthy ways. Oh, finally...perhaps... I have fully grasped the concept of projection. Ha.
To be so cognizant, yet so captured, all at once. It is perhaps my most despicable dilemma yet. Maddening, to be to the point.
It is no wonder so many people kill themselves, honestly (without God, of course). It gets old quickly. I cannot imagine being like this for 40 some odd more years. That sounds difficult.
How good is it to ALWAYS live in the present?
Does it ever reach a point where you are so conscious in the present moment that its actually more gut wrenching and maddening to NOT worry about the future?
No comments:
Post a Comment