I think, I just actually had a thought. Unlike the majority of this obsequious, inane babble in here, an actual thought!
There is a reason to be more of a person? Wait, was that the thought? Oh, no, it was a personal realization that I can use my natural obsequosity (new word!) to further develop myself and my own hobbies and things (which I really have neglected rather ferociously the last few years...and well actualy for the majority of my life, as I attended obsequious school...ok ok enough with the word of the day).
Anyway, the general idea was nothing too brilliant. Just remember this, future self: Nobody likes a nobody. Sometimes the best thing you can do to HELP others is to act like you don't want to help them. Act like you want THEM to help you! DUH. You've known this for forever now but you have been so inept at applying it across different environments etc.
So how come thats so hard for you huh? I would think most people have INSANE motivation to freaking do what they mean when they say "I'm just doing me" these days. Thats a thing right? Kanye or something? Who freakin' cares. Obviously you don't.
Anyway, it is absolutely obvious to everybody and their mother that I'm stuck in a rut right now. A depressive rut. And its at least partially my fault. I mean, I could assign blame totally on myself or totally on another, but what good would either of those choices do for me? For anyone else? Why am I even talking about this again? Kind of just rambling now....
I'm so sick of feeling like everything I say think or do has already been pigeonholed by everyone else. Because they all know me for me, thats for sure. Not the me that bends and breaks to their every freakin' whimper for assistance. Yeah, I do that whole selfless act real well, but I'm a grade A asshat underneath. Because I think I deserve ANYTHING at all from anyone.
In fact, now that I think about it, they probably do know who I am. They might as well pigeonhole me, because to take that expression literally, basically everything there is to know about me could be fit into a pigeon hole. I'm a simple, mouth breathing ignoramus who just happens to contain her fair share of dictionary pages pasted to the inside of her skull.
Dangit, life is complicated. Hell if that isn't an understatement.
I might be a little drunk at the moment. I tend to let myself wax eloquent when inebriated. All the guys avoid the smart sounding drunk chick, I'll tell you what. Good.
The fact that I've been psychoanalyzed since the day I popped out of my own personal psychiatrist probably has something to do with this horrible, gnawing anxiety I get whenever I feel like I'm being thought about. Note that its "thought about" - because this is essentially synonymous to being judged. The minute anyone is thinking about me, there is no neural connection in my brain that tells me they could just be neutral. Oh no, no no no. They either love me or hate me with a passion, not really any inbetween there. Ugh, I can't stand it. I cannot stand it.
I also cannot stand being around other people and having to expend energy on them anymore. To put on a front. Pretend that I am something, sweet, solid and intelligent. I feel like a twat for using the term but I am coming to believe more and more I might be what they have dubbed an HSP - Highly Sensitive Person. Just my freakin luck. I've been trying to deny it ever since I heard the term....
Must be nice to be able to walk around oblivious to everything other than whats going on in your own head. For me it is the opposite. I have no idea what I'm thinking about most of the time, its just a constant battle between external stimulation (mostly auditory and visual), murky twirling emotional reactions and some hazy sentences that run through my head like a broken down ticker tape machine, all torn up and twisted, cutting off certain words or phrases here and there... Now where do I go from here!? Its honestly no wonder why my life has always revolved around others. Theyre so much easier to grasp.... Egad, cue stupid existential crisis.... again.... my internal critic is on a nice even keel tonight....
This is a freakin' long post. I guess it was overdue. Haven't had a really long one in a while...
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