Aha! My thoughts exactly... just better articulated....

"In one of my after-service discussions a woman told me that the very idea of a judging God was offensive. I said, "Why aren't you offended by the idea of a forgiving God?" She looked puzzled. I continued, "I respectfully urge you to consider your cultural location when you find the Christian teaching about hell offensive." I went on to point out that secular Westerners get upset by the Christian doctrines of hell, but they find Biblical teaching about turning the other cheek and forgiving enemies appealing. I then asked her to consider how someone from a very different culture sees Christianity. In traditional societies the teaching about 'turning the other cheek' makes absolutely no sense. It offends people's deepest instincts about what is right. For them the doctrine of a God of judgment, however, is no problem at all. That society is repulsed by aspects of Christianity that Western people enjoy, and are attracted to the aspects that secular Westerners can't stand.

Why, I concluded, should Western cultural sensibilities be the final court in which to judge whether Christianity is valid? I asked the woman gently whether she thought her culture superior to non-Western ones. She immediately answered 'no.' 'Well then,' I asked, 'why should your culture's objections to Christianity trump theirs?'

For the sake of argument, let's imagine that Christianity is not the product of any one culture but is actually the transcultural truth of God. If that were the case we would expect that it would contradict and offend every human culture at some point, because human cultures are ever-changing and imperfect. If Christianity were the truth it would have to be offending and correcting your thinking at some place. Maybe this is the place, the Christian doctrine of divine jugdment."

- Timothy Keller, "The Reason for God"

Or maybe that is not the place that offends you. This I think is a large part of why I believe Christianity is the BEST shot of truth. It offends everyone on some level, believer or not. It is so far removed from the normal patterns of human illogic and emotion that there is some innate, irrational quality within ourselves that screams and runs away by the very IDEA of it.

I do not want something that is comfortable to the base, untrustworthy, animal part of myself. I want TRUE GROWTH. In society today we all like the idea of "growing as a person" or "bettering ourselves." How can we truly better ourselves if we cling to the very instincts that preserve us for who we are? Thus, a need to reach for those very things that repulse us the most. Sacrifice of our deep seated self-focused desires is completely necessary for this - in a way thats what Buddhism tries to teach us - the only problem is - it calls for us to sacrifice ourselves without any direction after that. What truth (or "path") lies beyond that sacrifice?  There must be something. Something so foreign to ANYTHING we can even conceive as human beings, so OPPOSING to our natural senses that it is in a sense INVISIBLE to us, mentally and physically.

Hmmmmmm.

God?

Maybe?

It all makes sense. How in the world would someone so INEXPLICABLE and INCONCEIVABLE be able to realistically impose itself onto our consciousness? Well it would not be so easy. Not if you want to respect our own sense of free will. And there is the need for the Bible, in all of its lacking trying to capture the UNCAPTURABLE, it is the thing that causes so many to believe in something that appears so UNLIKELY, so OUTSIDE OF OUR UNDERSTANDING. It causes us to be repulsed  by its very un-humanness...

To be continued...

forsooth! Already forsaken. Fo' real.

Forsooth sounds like someone was trying to say for soot but with a lisp or they got something stuck in their teeth right as they were saying it.............

I think, I just actually had a thought. Unlike the majority of this obsequious, inane babble in here, an actual thought!

There is a reason to be more of a person? Wait, was that the thought? Oh, no, it was a personal realization that I can use my natural obsequosity (new word!) to further develop myself and my own hobbies and things (which I really have neglected rather ferociously the last few years...and well actualy for the majority of my life, as I attended obsequious school...ok ok enough with the word of the day).

Anyway, the general idea was nothing too brilliant. Just remember this, future self: Nobody likes a nobody. Sometimes the best thing you can do to HELP others is to act like you don't want to help them. Act like you want THEM to help you! DUH. You've known this for forever now but you have been so inept at applying it across different environments etc.

So how come thats so hard for you huh? I would think most people have INSANE motivation to freaking do what they mean when they say "I'm just doing me" these days. Thats a thing right? Kanye or something? Who freakin' cares. Obviously you don't.

Anyway, it is absolutely obvious to everybody and their mother that I'm stuck in a rut right now. A depressive rut. And its at least partially my fault. I mean, I could assign blame totally on myself or totally on another, but what good would either of those choices do for me? For anyone else? Why am I even talking about this again? Kind of just rambling now....

I'm so sick of feeling like everything I say think or do has already been pigeonholed by everyone else. Because they all know me for me, thats for sure. Not the me that bends and breaks to their every freakin' whimper for assistance. Yeah, I do that whole selfless act real well, but I'm a grade A asshat underneath. Because I think I deserve ANYTHING at all from anyone.

In fact, now that I think about it, they probably do know who I am. They might as well pigeonhole me, because to take that expression literally, basically everything there is to know about me could be fit into a pigeon hole.  I'm a simple, mouth breathing ignoramus who just happens to contain her fair share of dictionary pages pasted to the inside of her skull.

Dangit, life is complicated. Hell if that isn't an understatement.

I might be a little drunk at the moment. I tend to let myself wax eloquent when inebriated. All the guys avoid the smart sounding drunk chick, I'll tell you what. Good.

The fact that I've been psychoanalyzed since the day I popped out of my own personal psychiatrist probably has something to do with this horrible, gnawing anxiety I get whenever I feel like I'm being thought about. Note that its "thought about"  - because this is essentially synonymous to being judged. The minute anyone is thinking about me, there is no neural connection in my brain that tells me they could just be neutral. Oh no, no no no. They either love me or hate me with a passion, not really any inbetween there. Ugh, I can't stand it. I cannot stand it.

I also cannot stand being around other people and having to expend energy on them anymore. To put on a front. Pretend that I am something, sweet, solid and intelligent. I feel like a twat for using the term but I am coming to believe more and more I might be what they have dubbed an HSP - Highly Sensitive Person.  Just my freakin luck. I've been trying to deny it ever since I heard the term....

Must be nice to be able to walk around oblivious to everything other than whats going on in your own head. For me it is the opposite. I have no idea what I'm thinking about most of the time, its just a constant battle between external stimulation (mostly auditory and visual), murky twirling emotional reactions and some hazy sentences that run through my head like a broken down ticker tape machine, all torn up and twisted, cutting off certain words or phrases here and there... Now where do I go from here!? Its honestly no wonder why my life has always revolved around others. Theyre so much easier to grasp.... Egad, cue stupid existential crisis.... again.... my internal critic is on a nice even keel tonight....

This is a freakin' long post. I guess it was overdue. Haven't had a really long one in a while...

Chip chip cheep cheep!

I've never loved one like you...

The best part about wearing nail polish is picking it off bit by bit with your other fingers.

I sit here swishing the spit around in my mouth, grinding my teeth a bit, just for the feeling. Not from stress.

What is real?

Why does blogger keep italicizing my words??

/i

Home is wherever I'm with you...

We must never ever forget this: we have discovered what life is truly about. What it is about, aside from the endless attempts to seek happiness amidst a world so prone to misery. Aside from the struggle to find freedom, even under false pretenses. Aside from anyone's all consuming pride, all the egos floating out in cyber space, across thousands and thousands of pages, written words with no more substance than the disintegrating ink they were penned with. However lacking we may seem, however dreadful things get, we have attained something, and continue to attain that very thing, every moment we remain together.

I love you. And I always will. What is life without a little darkness here and there? Truly, though I complain so much here, though I might feel drained, deadened, and dried out... so what?

What in this fickle life doesn't come with a price tag? Repercussions are a dime a dozen, times a thousand. Screw it, I've won the real prize. And so have you, my love. More than I have, thats for sure. You are and will be beautiful and dazzling, in the end. And if I can even be just a tiny part of your life, I am blessed.

We are so, so blessed. Praise God!!