sliced n diced and everything niced...

Joy to the world....!


Well the year is almost spent, and where am I ? Still lost in a haze, somewhere. It doesn't help that my contacts keep blurring up every two seconds. And they've only been used one day! Ridiculous. Wah, wah, wah...

I don't even feel like writing this right now. Don't even feel like it. Guh, I feel so utterly half-heartededly about everything right now. Its terrible. I hate it...kinda....ehhh...blehh.....

really don't even care that its a new year, nothings gonna change. I'm still gonna be stuck in this rut in 2014. Shouldn't say that... I have so much to be happy about ...but I find myself restless and weary and just really so deeply stuck in this rut...

Just gonna freakin sit here like an idiotic lump, nestled up in my little spot on the couch, listening to the infrequent booming of fireworks and buzzing from the electrical system in this house...

Why can't I enjoy myself right now? Is this depression? What a stupid label that does absolutely nothing but hinder any treatment of what it is...if that makes sense...eh...

I feel so paralyzed by this haze I'm in. There are things I want to do that I simply cannot do. I can't even face them... its not good. Not at all.

Another day wasted, like so many. Why does this matter? I don't even know... how could i fool myself into thinking I could be what one might deem successful in a world like the one we live in.... I can't do it.... I can't I just can't keep it up its too much... bu.h........h....

everything just seems so pointless...for me...anyway....

flung far...low, near, high...

 So often it simply does not cross my mind, but there are moments here and there where I suddenly realize my life is totally out of my control. Everything I've experienced has been the product of chance (or at least, NOT me); as though I've simply wandered into a basket at the end of a catapult and been flung from one destination to another, over and over again, without even noticing it!

Sometimes it feels as though I'm simply a pair of eyes connected to a heartbeat, with a throbbing scab of a brain floating through the midst of more solid people and places. And I long to be more like those solid looking things, who are at the very least a little less fragile than I...

You drift away...........

Something is wrong with me. My generation. Something has been lost, something somewhat crucial, for survival in this world. Is it within us or without us that has been lost? I don't know, because I'm unable to access either vantage point to investigate it myself...

Blah BLAH BLAH! BLAH.

blah.

I'm so confused right now, such a manic depressive fugue-y wugue-y whimsy has overtaken my life I feel even less in control than usual... my defenses have been shot, so I'm down, recovering, reconfiguring...who knows... or just sinking deeper and deeper into the mud....

What have a I done? The stress is over with the job, but what have I done? It is a bold move, a rather large financial risk, no doubt about it. But it had to be done, right?

So many things I couldn't handle. I was almost dying, thats how it felt... but there is still a part of me who feels like a failure...survivors guilt? Eh. I dont know. I must remember that I was the 4th one to quit this year (6th since last year) and realize it is not a sign of weakness necessarily....

This world is a terrible, unforgiving place sometimes. Much of the time. It is cold until something warm comes along that it can temporarily glean some heat from....pressing its icy body close, trying to melt itself perhaps but instead destroying the heat until its source is completely decimated....

We are not meant to understand it, really. We are simply meant to experience it, and love it, for what it is and more importantly, what it isn't meant to be. Thank Lord for that.

My fingernails smell like raw potatoes.