head achey tacky

Hunger is a strange sensation. Seriously, stop and think about it for a moment. There is no other feeling like a body's physical response to needing food shoved in through its orifices.

ranch style

Twip twip twip...

Oh man oh man oh man oh man....just...

WHYYYYYY!?!!! 

This job is so ridiculous. Pretty sure most jobs aren't supposed to be THIS stressful... at least thats what it feels like...who am I to judge? I dont know really my experience is limited. Its basically set up for me to fail at... in so many ways. From the top down I'm the one left to pick up the pieces and take the fall if a client or funding source is unhappy with our services. Stupid people I supervise gossiping and trying to sabotage my relationship with their client as soon as I don't meet their every little need which is IMPOSSIBLE with the amount of work being shoved on me from the administrators. Bleh... it gets to a point where I either collapse and die or collapse and just shut down stop caring and let things snowball into an even bigger mess because there is absolutely no way anyone with ANY amount of life outside the job could take care of independently. No training given, not even vague instructions just heres this DO IT and this and this and this while you're at it - oh don't forget about this! I'm just floating over here 40 miles away from all the other staff in my position to ask for help unable to reach anyone when I need them just kind of flying by the seat of my pants trying to act like I know anything about this field of psychology and use that false knowledge to implement entire treatment plans for often severely disabled children and hope that their parents don't know more about ABA than I do otherwise I'm screwed!!!! Oh and while I'm at it I need to write all these fancy scientific reports that also prove I know what the heck I'm doing...just copy and paste from other reports and turn in and get criticized when I forget things... ridiculous...

All I know is all the other jobs I've had up to this point did not feel nearly as overwhelming as this one. And thats saying something because I am pretty easily overwhelmed with new things.

Oh well, I guess I just needed a place to vent. Gotta go run off and sub for a new client that just had two bts quit hours before the program was supposed to start....oh and then class later? Two quizzes to do? 7 different reports to write? 2 new treatment programs to sort out? Meetings and consult hours with clients? Yeah, I can do all that  by friday. No problem. PFFT

Strange and.... Darkness

I think my brain is ruffling again. Click click click like a bicycle chain rolling around and around and around. La, am I ...I... what? 

There is such a baffling contrast between a person's external and internal effects on the world and on themselves. I'm not explaining it right. The chain fell off; no, it got stuck on something. No, it snapped into a thousand little pieces! 

Boogalecki!! Swissssh....

Why do any of us do anything that we do? Is it because we want to or because we think we have to because of who we think we are? I'm a singer so I must sing.

 I'm smart so I must tell the world what I know.

 I like to help others so I must help them. 

I know what to say so I must say it.

Where does this leave our free will? If we are all just an endless series of self upon self fulfilling prophecies where is truth about ourselves actually to be found? In others also battling their own self imposed identity delusions? Their knowledge of our identity would be based off our very own projections of what we think we should be, plus perhaps whatever unconscious elements squeak out of us here and there. 

Again the only solution is an alien one...

What importance is an identity anyway? Long term, it's not important. Long term, a tiny ant is just as meaningful as a fiery gas giant billions of light years away... 

And why is it all important? Because God made it all. Ultimately  the only thing that can ever distinguish itself above any matter or non matter is the one who made it. 

Two tiny words to convey what is, to me, an enormous emotion:

How splendid!! 

deadlines twist

I'm stepping off the edge now.

I take one last look around; squinting at the ciphers written on silvery pots and pans, scattered around the room, half hidden in long, leaning shadows. Who would discover them next? I wonder. Its not for me to know, not to care, to think upon at all. It is so obviously a cliff hanger; a semi-colon in the middle of an unfinished sentence. How ironic; how tedious.

I'm snorting now. Inside, anyways. I feel those long, leaning shadows stretch, inserting themselves into the recesses of my mind as I move forward, over the end, away from that darkened room and into somewhere...new.

Where am I going? These thoughts play out in my head like muzac, steadily humming in the background, as my steps carry me forward. On and on and on.

I can feel the edges of my eyes expanding as I look ahead and the light penetrates. What is this aching? This melancholy intensity wrapping itself around me with a feather-soft touch? What a swirling, beautiful emotion, not felt but seen, not expressed but impressed, like smelling a far off flower shining with the purest light.

I'm jarred from this fantasy by a cascade of laughter, childish and obscene. Purity in its own right but not right for me. Go away, away, away! My brain screams at me. I turn back and I'm lost, all in an instant.

What dream is this? Sitting on the couch, headphones on and my face itching and red. Let me go back, where it is real. Really real. My eyes expanding...

Damn.

a silky laugh leaping

How long how long how long..........