I never look forward to night time

Its so scary at night. And all my bad thoughts get worse then. I can't stand how I look. I look like a disgusting trollfaced, misshapen, lumpy, useless womanly thing. I'd make a great ugly witch for halloween...but thats about it.

I have to stop torturing myself like this. I swear...its killing me. 

Echoes from so many years past...

"....I looked in the mirror, and was horror-struck because I did not recognize myself. In the place where I was standing, with that persistent romantic elation in me, as if I were a favored fortunate person to whom everything was possible, I saw a stranger, a little, pitiable, hideous figure, and a face that became, as I stared at it, painful and blushing with shame. It was only a disguise, but it was on me, for life. It was there, it was there, it was real. Every one of those encounters was like a blow on the head. They left me dazed and dumb and senseless every time, until slowly and stubbornly my robust persistent illusion of well-being and of personal beauty spread all through me again, and I forgot the irrelevant reality and was all unprepared and vulnerable again..."

I keep waking up in the middle of the night. It creeps me out.

WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

http://7chan.org/fl/src/hey.swf

I am feeling a little bit better. I went out and got myself set up to do a low carb diet. I ran till I almost threw up today too which helped. Shew. Probably not the best way to cope with this random uprising of ze BDD but.....better than being up all night crying about it...

have I always had a fat face too? not just an ugly but a fat one?!

Or is it just because I've gained so much weight the last few months!?! I don't know. I have a fat face now at least and its made me even less attractive than I already was. Now my chin totally recedes into my fat neck and my eyes have gotten extra puffy all around em (they already were really, I have pug eyes) and my foreheads got a weird lump of scar tissue on it or something that is so noticeable in pictures AND now that I've been using a flat iron apparently my hair looks extra dry and lifeless and apparently I've been doing my eye makeup wrong or my eye pencil is not good enough or something. Those last ones were courtesy of my mother.

My arms are all flabby and jiggly. Sigh. I could probably complain forever about my appearance. This is such a strange neurosis of mine...because I hate on myself for being ugly, and then I hate on myself FOR hating on myself for being ugly... a cycle I've been dealing with for most of my life now it seems. Theres just no winning, so I go back trying to not think about it, or trying to pretend I am attractive. Or maybe even momentarily believing it. As long as my makeup is fresh and my hair is covering most of my face its possible, especially if no one can see me up close. Then I can pretend to feel pretty. Until any of those factors changes.

Sigh. Up and down up and down....as always. Moments of total clarity and awesome, followed by random bouts of insanity. Yep. Pretty much sums me up.

WHEN DID I

GET SO FAT?!!

No seriously this time!

I weigh 121.4 lbs now. I have a muffin top in some of my pants. It is DISGUSTING. Life with Nick is so sedentary, and he eats nothing but carbs and fat and sugar. Its no wonder really.

Gosh, its not even that I look terrible. Cuz I do. But I FEEL terrible. I can feel the extra squish on my waistline and my thighs at ALL times. I cannot stand it. I cannot stand it. But what the hell am I gonna do!? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH IF I BECOME A FATTY I REALLY DONT KNOW WHAT I WILL DO...................