lets come together in love...

How do I even describe everything that has been going on?

One thing Lisa has made clear to me over my time seeing her is that I have the tendency to not know whats actually going on in the moment until quite a long time after that moment has passed. Apparently I react without any comprehension of why or how or if I even want to. I just react. This is supposedly my thing. Although, really, I wonder....don't we all do that to an extent? At least at my developmental level/lower?

Is that the only reason she brings it up? To make sure I know that I need to recognize this tendency of mine?

Its been another whirlwind...hah, go figure.

I was supposed to travel down to see my family today. Haven't been down there since September...purposefully avoiding them (particularly my mother) as I am. Nick and Lisa and I have all pow-wowed long and hard about this decision to give myself space. I thought that it would be too mean to stay away for the holidays. I mean, its Christmas, for Chrissake! Family is supposed to come together and just focus on being together, right?

But now I have ended up deciding not to go down. On the one hand, it is a hugely bad time to be traveling just from a financial standpoint. Sure, we have a little saved up, but really, its not that much. And it dwindles so rapidly...I hate having to travel down once a month for school...not to mention all of the driving I am doing on a weekly basis for my traineeship. And its effect on the car isn't cheap either. Another $400 gone today to get the tires and oil changed. Awesome. Rent and utilities next week, plus travel costs for school, and work...and food isn't so dang cheap either. And other things, such as medicine. I don't even know how much I've spent in the last couple weeks. I still have to buy books for the quarter that begins in a week and a half. Oh, and my parents have stopped paying the phone bill again. They are completely broke because of my dad's disability issues (cant remember if i posted in here about that. needless to say, they just recently lost more than half of the income he raked in from the government. they have no clear way to recover besides taking out student loans for my moms schooling). So now I will have to pay for my phone bill as well. Teeriffic!

To top it all off, I wanted to get a part time job...but I currently only have monday and friday free during the week. Weekends are free, except that once a month I have to go down for school. I don't think too many places will want to hire someone with that kind of schedule, especially not with all the other people with absolutely nothing in their schedules vying for the same positions.

I don't know whats going on with my student loans. They keep calling me, but I dont have any of the paper work with my information on it. My dad has been too distrated to get it to me yet. I am getting calls from a collection agency about a bill from a clinic in Santa Barbara I never went to. I owe nearly $200 to Disneyland for a season pass I bought over the summer that I have not used since I bought it...that will probably be going to collections soon too. Hmm...is that everything? I think so. It kind of helps to type it all out. All of this stuff just zooms around in my spacey head, buzzing around and causing me to freak out and get even more spacey feeling. So hard to focus when your go to coping method is to distance yourself from everything. Distracting myself, whatever.

But back to my original point. I decided not to go down. I feel a little guilty about it still. Although, after typing all of that stuff out I guess I shouldn't feel so bad. Thank God for Nick's disability stuff. The cost of driving down via car is about the same as cost for train ride...roughly $120-150 roundtrip. I have to come down for my grad school session Jan 6 anyway so it just seemed like maybe I should wait until then to make the ride.

Sigh. So many little stressors like that. My traineeship site has not proven to be very profitable for me financially. I was expecting to get around $300 for Novembers clients (I only get half of all I rake in...pretty sure I had about $700 total...and that was with all the cancellations). I didn't get anything. I was actually negative $7 for some reason on the statment I got back from my boss. I saw my supervisor privately which apparently cost me $80, which is fine, thats how much every session I have with Lisa is (I might have to stop seeing her at the rate our money is disappearing). But thats a whole $220ish missing. Where the heck did that go? I don't know.

It doesn't seem easy to argue that with my boss. She's a pregnant Mormon woman with 6 other children, one of which is also pregnant. I hardly ever see her. she spends more time with her quilting club than with her counselors. Shes a nice person, but disorganized and kind of scary at the same time. I am seriously considering finding a new place, hopefully in the town I'm living in...sucks because I do like all the counselors I work with, and my supervisor is really fun and knowledgeable. We click. And its so laid back, I get to basically figure out how I will operate as my own private therapist... something that I don't imagine I could find in my town too easily. Its kind of a rare set up. But I might have to...

Whooooooooof. I find myself sighing deeply every few minutes...just so stressed. I have this week off because I was planning on going down...so now what do I do? I should work on the paper I got permission to turn in late...but I haven't touched it yet. Nick kind of blew up today when I found out my phone had been turned off due to my parents not paying it. It was especially bad because even if I wanted to set up my own phone plan, I wouldn't be able to most likely (at least not with ATT) because my parents had actually joined the service plan I set up a couple years ago on my own, thus making me the primary account holder and responsible for payment (the card fixed to pay it was my dads...and we owe abou $400 total).

There are just so many examples of my parents kind of screwing me over because of their irresponsibil-ness...financially and...other ways. As soon as I was old enough to build credit my dad has found little ways to ruin it (I'm still trying to fix this, but not very well). The effing foster children that molested my brother and I when I was a child because my parents weren't watching. My crooked bottom teeth from when we were traveling around the country and they didn't take me to a dentist in time to prevent it. All of the money they have borrowed from me over the years, including earlier this year when I gave my dad $600 with the promise that they would pay my phone bill for me for a year or so until the $600 was repaid. I'm just hoping at this point theyll figure otu a way to pay the $400 currently owed...

And all the stuff that happened last year with K coming in to the house. And the August stuff I talked about in here...

And the fact that I'm constantly put into a double bind situation. One minute I'm a disappointment, the next I'm the wonder child who fixes everything. Beautiful, ugly. Same sort of stuff.

Wow this is a really long entry. I'm feeling kind of alone again. But its funny, I don't mind as much as I did a month or so ago. I'm getting used to it. And at least I have space to be myself here. I still have so much trouble with the fact that I just blend with others as soon as I'm put in the same room with them. Yesterday for example, I was with Nick most of the day. I was utterly convinced that it was right for me to NOT go down. Today, Nick was not around. I spent the majority of it skyping with my parents, figuring out the phone stuff and showing them my apartment and just talking... and suddenly I wasn't sure if it was the right idea to stay up here. I literally have a huge amount of trouble knowing what *I* myself want to do. Its all based on whatever others tell me, or how they seem to be feeling, or something that we create between ourselves, netiehr completely me nor the other. I don't know. What am I supposed to do with that??!? Where the hell is me??

Its just the same stuff I've been talking about for a while in here. This is the sort of stuff thats been on my mind. Kind of hazily in my mind I guess.

Its so much easier to type i here on the keyboard for my ipad. I love this little guy. So great. Logitech for the WEEEN. heh.

I guess I should stop. I hate being so stressed. But I guess I shouldn't complain so much. Theres still a lot to be grateful for. We got a Christmas card in the mail from one of the members of Nick's prayer group from church today. There was a check in it for $100. I don't even know this man, but he wanted us to have it. There probably couldn't have been a better time to receive that little blessing. Not that it changed Nick's mood all that much. He went off to a friends, came back, we walked to pick up the car from the shop down the street, brought it back...and he left me alone again without any words. I know he's not really mad at me...just stressed and probably furious at my parents. He really hates my family. It scares me. I don't like everything they do but I still love them...and I know they don't mean to do what they do. It'd be like holding a grudge against your cat for scratching you...it doesn't know any better...They don't know what they do.

Forgive them...they know not what they do...

JEESH LONG ENTRY TONIGHT. I think its mostly because this keyboard is the type that I can type on nearly as fast I can think the words I'm going to type. Also it makes a fun clicky noise....the best kind of fun clicky noise. WHOOP WHOOOP!

What an interesting holiday season this has been!!

Ufhugugh

I keep thinking about my ugly face...

Why didn't I listen to my orthodontist and get my teeth fixed and my jaw pulled forward while it was still growing!? Now I'm stuck this ugly disgusting way, doomed to get uglier and uglier as I age. I'm going to end up looking like a troll soon..if I don't already. I don't want to smile anymore because smiling deforms my face. I'm only pretty if you look at me head on and my mouth stays closed. It's not bdd this time. I know exactly what I look like. Sure I'm pretty from the front view, but turn me to the side and you can see my nasty disgusting features. It's shocking, and whatever beauty was glimpsed from the front is forgotten, overwhelmed by the sheer reality of my freaky long nose protruding over a tiny chin...like a wrinkled oopossum or something.

I wish I could get cosmetic surgery...

I guess it's good I apparently have an attractive personality...because there is hardly anything physically attractive about me. No boobs, no good legs, and he rest is negligible really, not bad but nothing special. There's nothing really pleasant about my appearance. Maybe I will get surgery. At least help with the recessed chin. And braces I guess...yea if I could do those two things I think I could feel beautiful. I kinda like my nose shape but it's just my chin is too small....sigh I'm just gonna dwell on it forever. It was better when I had some false perception of how I looked because then i could tell myself oh no dot believ that you're beautiful you just can't see it. But I don't think that's it anymore. Im disgusting. Just gross gross gross gross gross gross grosssssssssssssssssss I just want to die or live in a pitch black cave where no one can see my face ever again.
Ugh I'm so stupid.

Just listen to your voice... (oceanlab)

Haha wow, first time re-reading my last entry. That is kind of sad that autocorrect changed might to nigger. I was going to fix it but decided not to for the time being.

On my ipad on the train heading back up from school. Its been a long few days again, but good. Just getting prepped up for returning to my life. Lots of clients to look forward to... it is still so new and shocking to me that I have clients... Am I a professional now? Is this what it is like? I still feel like I'm just foolin' everybody in my heels pressed pants and collared shirts...

I feel so young. I also have started looking at myself differently in the mirror. Not really in a good way though. I feel as though I see myself a lot more clearly. But I dunno... I'm still not used to it. And...it never really came up as much as other things did maybe but I realized (or maybe re-realized) how much I hate my nose! Its so huge... i know its straight, mostly, but its so long....it throws off my whole face. Or maybe its just because I have a recessed chin that messes everything up. Yeah, if I had a better chin I'd look ok even with my big nose. I think its gettig worse and worse the older I get. Noses grow forever. I also feel extra fat right now. My body is trying to store up for winter or something. I still fit in my clothes but I have some hangover now. Its disgusting. I was doing well on my exercise routine for a while but then just stopped. And my skin is so horrid again too...scars getting so bad from that last breakout over the summer...

Sigh... still so many issues there. So many issues all over the place.

But much of the time I am still very content. I love my classmates. They are such positive people, and they genuinely care. I feel like there are so many people I could have some serious like father and mother projections on. Haha. Oh well.

Riding on trains is kind of fun. They have these soft, cheese filled pretzels that are kind of disgustingly delicious. And only for $1.25!!! SUPER GREAT DEALZ

AIGHT PEACE OUT MIGHT