Monday, September 14, 2015
Thursday, September 10, 2015
Fire
Moments so immersive it feels like ill lose it all in an endless sea of intellectualism and philosophical exploration....
The pounding sound of death leaves me feeling so short of breath, like I'm drifting away unwillingly across the dark puddle of my mortality as my mind enters realms I was never meant to find...
To feel so awake and raw, so alive and yet acknowledging the rotting meat and blood and sinew shrieking and squelching in between soul and world.
I am a fire at my core, burning brightly.
The sun heats me; and I soak it in like
A hearty flower
dipped in a river of diamonds
I take this fire and I share it in small ways
Flaming tendrils lapping against faces
Embracing mountains and infants
Snaking into the dark nooks and crannies
Far below the shaley topsoil of my consciousness.
Dearest Lord, Creator, Father. My beloved... Jesus, my Savior. It is Your Glory shining down upon me that allows even the very sensation of Goodness and Joy to be experienced. Without Your Infinite, beautiful design nothing would exist, not even the merest whim or speck of dust. No souls, no time, no earth, air; no galaxies or black holes, concepts or impulses, connections, or species.
Any perception given to me is only possible through You, for You are responsible for the existence of eery thought and feeling I have ever had.
Everything I have or think i have, and everything anyone else has or thinks they have, is really Yours. To deny this is to claim ownership of something that was never something that could ever be owned. How can a tiny glimmer of light crafted so meticulously by a force so beyond powerful ever hope to claim anything? How can it do anything but what it was designed to do?
Lord let me live as You have designed me to live, not as a deviant but so consumed with the fire of Your Perfection that I cannot do anything aside from that which aligns itself with Your Glory. It is not simply love, it is Your Perfect Love that renews and restores us, purifies us from the cancerous darkness that separates a sinful creature from the Light.
Sunday, August 23, 2015
a trip into the world, consciously.
Is it possible to ever completely change your main mode of being? Of perceiving the world?
Am I just like a leaf floating in the air, pulled in every direction depending on the way the wind blows, the possible brushing up against the legs of someone else more present in the moment?
I wake up momentarily, when I'm alone, I make a decision, and then BAM the very INSTANT I encounter another person it is like my own conscious thoughts are obliterated and I'm tuned into their current state of being... like an inescapable, magnetic force has instantaneously redirected every cell in my body to the Other.
And I cease to exist.
And then they leave, and I feel myself steeped in the Other, their being slowly drawn down out of me, seeping away..... until I am once again able to think and feel freely for myself. That recovery time can last a loong time depending on the intensity of the Other, or the sheer quantity and diversity of the Other.
Very hard to focus on personal development and life goals with this issue....
Am I just like a leaf floating in the air, pulled in every direction depending on the way the wind blows, the possible brushing up against the legs of someone else more present in the moment?
I wake up momentarily, when I'm alone, I make a decision, and then BAM the very INSTANT I encounter another person it is like my own conscious thoughts are obliterated and I'm tuned into their current state of being... like an inescapable, magnetic force has instantaneously redirected every cell in my body to the Other.
And I cease to exist.
And then they leave, and I feel myself steeped in the Other, their being slowly drawn down out of me, seeping away..... until I am once again able to think and feel freely for myself. That recovery time can last a loong time depending on the intensity of the Other, or the sheer quantity and diversity of the Other.
Very hard to focus on personal development and life goals with this issue....
Wednesday, August 12, 2015
I know who I am.
Is it true that most comedians are secretly neurotic and depressed?
Amusement is like a hardness of heart beyond the norm.
"Take a minute right now to review the past 24 hours. During how many moments were you truly content, appreciating the moment-to-moment unfolding of your life? For most of us these moments are the exceptions -- they stand out in our memory. The rest of the time we're restlessly pursuing some goal or another, trying with limited success to maximize pleasure and minimize pain or discomfort. "
"As though this weren't enough...there is yet another mechanism that...adds to our troubles: our predisposition to love. These emotions bind us together in couples, families, tribes, and larger cultural groups. They enable us to nurture and protect one another...
But these emotions also set us up for a host of painful experiences. On top of thinking constantly about seeking pleasure and avoiding pain for ourselves, we have the opportunity to worry about the well-being of our loved ones.....In general, the more we're able to love, the more everyone's pleasure and pain become our own. While this capacity for attachment and empathy is a wonderful part of being human, it makes the project of trying to hold on to pleasure and avoid pain even more impossible. "
"Since we tend to remember painful experiences [better than pleasurable], we also tend to anticipate them [more] in the future. Each unpleasant memory, worried thought, and pessimistic conclusion is associated with a bit of emotional hurt -- even when nothing is actually going wrong. So as long as we're living in our heads, lost in narratives about the past and the future, we're going to experience a lot of pain."
"Ironically, many of us put icing on the cake of our suffering with a uniquely human addition -- concluding that our dissatsfaction is or own fault. Living in a more or less free-market economy exacerbates this. The way I can motivate you to buy my goods or services is by suggesting that they will bring you more pleasure and less pain. Enterepreneurs and marketers are smart == they know that this is what makes us tick. When we see the happy couple in their new convertible, or the sexy surger with his beautiful babe holding a beer, we draw the conclusion that we wold feel great if only we had that car or brew. Besides creating a remarkable amount of wasterful, environmentally destructivr consumer spending, such marketing contributes to our personal suffering. Grouing up with our minds marianted in these messages, most of us come to believe that if we're not happy, either we must have made bad decisions or there is something fundamentally wrong with us. 'If only i had chosen the right career, spiuse, diet, plastic surgery, shampoo, or jeans -- then I'd be happy.
Why do I keep getting it wrong?'
"We're left blaming ourselves rather than noticing that most human suffering derives from our history, biological makeup, and existential predicament. By not noticing that suffering stems from universal habits of mind rather than our personal failings, we compound our difficulty. "
- Ronald Siegel
Amusement is like a hardness of heart beyond the norm.
"Take a minute right now to review the past 24 hours. During how many moments were you truly content, appreciating the moment-to-moment unfolding of your life? For most of us these moments are the exceptions -- they stand out in our memory. The rest of the time we're restlessly pursuing some goal or another, trying with limited success to maximize pleasure and minimize pain or discomfort. "
"As though this weren't enough...there is yet another mechanism that...adds to our troubles: our predisposition to love. These emotions bind us together in couples, families, tribes, and larger cultural groups. They enable us to nurture and protect one another...
But these emotions also set us up for a host of painful experiences. On top of thinking constantly about seeking pleasure and avoiding pain for ourselves, we have the opportunity to worry about the well-being of our loved ones.....In general, the more we're able to love, the more everyone's pleasure and pain become our own. While this capacity for attachment and empathy is a wonderful part of being human, it makes the project of trying to hold on to pleasure and avoid pain even more impossible. "
"Since we tend to remember painful experiences [better than pleasurable], we also tend to anticipate them [more] in the future. Each unpleasant memory, worried thought, and pessimistic conclusion is associated with a bit of emotional hurt -- even when nothing is actually going wrong. So as long as we're living in our heads, lost in narratives about the past and the future, we're going to experience a lot of pain."
"Ironically, many of us put icing on the cake of our suffering with a uniquely human addition -- concluding that our dissatsfaction is or own fault. Living in a more or less free-market economy exacerbates this. The way I can motivate you to buy my goods or services is by suggesting that they will bring you more pleasure and less pain. Enterepreneurs and marketers are smart == they know that this is what makes us tick. When we see the happy couple in their new convertible, or the sexy surger with his beautiful babe holding a beer, we draw the conclusion that we wold feel great if only we had that car or brew. Besides creating a remarkable amount of wasterful, environmentally destructivr consumer spending, such marketing contributes to our personal suffering. Grouing up with our minds marianted in these messages, most of us come to believe that if we're not happy, either we must have made bad decisions or there is something fundamentally wrong with us. 'If only i had chosen the right career, spiuse, diet, plastic surgery, shampoo, or jeans -- then I'd be happy.
Why do I keep getting it wrong?'
"We're left blaming ourselves rather than noticing that most human suffering derives from our history, biological makeup, and existential predicament. By not noticing that suffering stems from universal habits of mind rather than our personal failings, we compound our difficulty. "
- Ronald Siegel
Sunday, August 2, 2015
a moment...a dream..
Oh how time moves us along...............................
So many days gone by, who am I now?
Dare I cast a wager?Old dewy lines dried up along cheeks, salted and pure.
Emo x 1000000000000
Status: Pro
Sunday, July 26, 2015
Monday, July 20, 2015
29
One year, one step.
And there it is again, that old reliable surge of feeling spreading out from nowhere, from my chest, emanating like a true mystery from nothingness and everything.
It would be so lovely to know just for a moment that others have this presence too.
For crying out loud, how much do we all feel this and have no understanding that others feel it too? Please, someone tell me I'm not exaggerating when I imagine that we are all banging our heads up against the same dense, immovable surface attempting to see the things we cannot ever see, to know the things we can never know....
Is this just some useless quest? Is it meaningless?
Dangit.
So tired of these ruminations. Rumination is indeed perhaps the most fitting word to use. Every definition fits.
If people are like different cells in a body, why did I have to be this particular cell? To suffer so needlessly on these thoughts, these feelings, when other cells are content without them?
No judgement here meant, just observation, only tempered a bit with some fleeting, awkward pretense of jealousy and despair. Underneath these thoughts I do not have any true discourse.
Why can't I just sit and be, fully? I must examine all of these thoughts and feeling so tirelessly and without ceasing... to the point of total excess. Even now these words are becoming more and more of an exercise in futility that I am becoming exasperated and bored as I type them.
Why am I still typing?
This is my life when I lose focus? Focus? Huh? What is there that is worth focusing on? Someone remind me before I lose the plot completely here...
And there it is again, that old reliable surge of feeling spreading out from nowhere, from my chest, emanating like a true mystery from nothingness and everything.
It would be so lovely to know just for a moment that others have this presence too.
For crying out loud, how much do we all feel this and have no understanding that others feel it too? Please, someone tell me I'm not exaggerating when I imagine that we are all banging our heads up against the same dense, immovable surface attempting to see the things we cannot ever see, to know the things we can never know....
Is this just some useless quest? Is it meaningless?
Dangit.
So tired of these ruminations. Rumination is indeed perhaps the most fitting word to use. Every definition fits.
If people are like different cells in a body, why did I have to be this particular cell? To suffer so needlessly on these thoughts, these feelings, when other cells are content without them?
No judgement here meant, just observation, only tempered a bit with some fleeting, awkward pretense of jealousy and despair. Underneath these thoughts I do not have any true discourse.
Why can't I just sit and be, fully? I must examine all of these thoughts and feeling so tirelessly and without ceasing... to the point of total excess. Even now these words are becoming more and more of an exercise in futility that I am becoming exasperated and bored as I type them.
Why am I still typing?
This is my life when I lose focus? Focus? Huh? What is there that is worth focusing on? Someone remind me before I lose the plot completely here...
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