Whistle

I fool myself...to sleep and dream...nobody's here...no one, but me....

Beautiful day!

Thesis draft is finished! Ah, relief. Now I wait for my editor to look it over and the fun process of constant critique and revisions begins!

Oh I forgot what it feels like to not feel so cursed.

nummy gums

I've officially reached deadline for thesis rough draft. I've done just enough to be quite optimistically stagnant in my desire to keep writing. Lets see how long I can procrastinate today before I begin scrambling to get it all done by tomorrow!!

The inside of my mouth is like a bloody, torn up warzone! I guess my teeth would be the soldiers. Or vultures.

Nothing

Brutal starry eyes

Stuck inside your head

Fallen from the sky

Risen from the dead

Views from all the past

Taken to new heights

Melancholy sky

You made me blue

Still hanging on

There's nothing I can do

Not this time

Bizarro, I love you.

The days since Christmas have been a depressing, sluggish sort of blur. New Years was uneventful, but far better than last year when we were stuck in a hospital overnight with Nick being pumped full of drugs that were supposed to lower his heart rate but made it worse.... Thank God we haven't had to go back to one of those since and, by the grace of the Spirit Nick seems to have started to find a way out of his cycle of pain, nausea and mental duress.

The trip down to visit my family was his first trip back since we moved out of There in 2011. It went extremely well, considering my moms desperate attempts to lure me back in to our old parasitic relationship. It did leave us sick and tired upon our return though, something which lead to us becoming even more sick and tired.

Things have been so out of sorts. Excited to spend time again with probably one of two women my stupid judgmental self deems respectable though. I am once again thankful in a weird way that she also will want breaks occasionally because I very well may need some myself, especially exposing myself again to my mother if that happens.

Fortunately we are joinin a gym soon! I have moved past the gelatinous blob stage of inactivity and entered into a sort of self imploding black hole phase (is that redundant?) and though I fear this bodes not well for my attempts to begin exercising again,, hopefully I haven't actually reached the event horizon (etc etc black holes are cool!)....

I suppose I've also neared the horizon with my thesis, which lo and behold I have still yet to begin! I've set a tentative deadline with an editor for sometime in February, so my plan is after next week to get an entire rough draft done by then. According to my shoddy, self aggrandizing calculations, this should be a cakewalk. HA....ha....ha....

It feels like one of my alternate persons in another dimension got punched in both eye sockets so hard the feeling is just so subtly reverberating back to me here in my dimension. Bizarro black eyes.

Jesus Gives Life

"Before life can be lived...the Holy Spirit needs to show up in your life. Because the Christian life is not the life that you and I live for God, its the life that God lives through us by the power of the Holy Spirit. It's Jesus taking up residence in our life."

-Mark Driscoll

lemon bars and haystacks

Its... so far beyond the word interesting to experience what I can only call a "Nudge." This Nudge seems to originate somewhere completely different than I've ever experienced before, but it's effect is to change my course, often in the most unexpected of ways. A lot of the time, I still miss it. Its so gentle and unassuming at times my own delusions of grandeur stop me from recognizing it.

And the strangest thing is, I really can't explain it. I asked a few church friends how they knew when the Spirit was trying to tell them something, and they said, "You just know, its really impossible to explain."

Well, now I understand it. It is indeed impossible to explain. I asked them further, how do you know that it is the Spirit guiding you and not just yourself? Their answer was repeated. And that is also so true.

I don't know how I'm starting to recognize it for what it is, my ego wants to take all of the credit. But I think really there is no way I am responsible for my recognition. Because I have no way to recognize it. I have no familiarity with where it comes from. None at all, even with all my fantasies about heaven and life outside of the one we live. Those are all human fantasies and therefore not even close to what it is really like, most likely, although that is also impossible to confirm. We as individuals, as human beings, have absolutely NO WAY to escape our own failings by ourselves. Just like a flat tire can't fix itself, or a bird with broken wings can't just wrap them up in plaster and gauze and wait a few months for them to heal up, sipping tea in a wing back leather chair with his little bird feet propped up on a velvet ottoman. It is beyond our very NATURE to help ourselves, but we think we can. We think we can even PERCEIVE how to help ourselves. Nope. Wrong. Only someone outside of our nature, someone beyond our nature, but who understands it fully, can help us.

It is all a gift, completely undeserved and unexpected and often misunderstood. How sad, but amazing, so so so amazing, that it is given at all. I feel so unworthy even talking about it, like it makes me special to have on a few occasions felt the Nudge... it does NOT make me special. No, no, no!! Not at all. All the glory of that goes to the One who gave it! And that gift is for everyone! I am no different, no better, or worse, than any other human. Well, maybe worse....no, no, not than any other human. Worse than the Lord, yes...absolutely. Worse than the lowliest of angels, oh you got that right.

As selfish as it is, I want more of this. Like a little bird with broken wings given the chance to heal in comfort and peace...and to experience pure agape love. Nothing could be more amazing, more fulfilling. Truly, truly. Oh, Lord you are so beautiful it is beyond my ability to describe!!