We broke the bond, shattering ourselves into a million pieces. And only rebuilding the bond can put us back together again....

What do you want?

Something real.

But what's real?

Exactly.

How am I feeling right now?

Alone.

Misunderstood.

Unheard.

Negated.

Distraught.

Unaffirmed.

Neglected.

Abused.

Used.

Empty.

Afraid.

Forlorn.

Meaningless.

Typical feelings right. Just a normal process. Just a phase, a stage of development listed right here in all my favorite texts. Not important, hardly even relevant. Lets psychoanalyze every little thing so that it no longer holds any sense of power or worth because we box all of it up and store it with the rest of our self aggrandizing, fantastical memories of a job complete, a task so supposedly understood and perfected that it is converted simply into another notch on ones belt, the significance of which fades not only with time but with every other notch created.

Lets disempower each other in every way possible.

Lets disempower the very words we use to share with each other by flippantly spewing them out, writing them off, and keeping ourselves at a worthy distance from the true purpose of them.

Am I going crazy? 

I feel so sad to have lost my brother so completely. It's both of us obviously. We have both changed so much. Lord you know I want to believe. Please help me to do so, because today felt like digging myself into a dark grave...or getting thrown into one. 

I should have known better. I should have ...

Dissociation or desensitization?

vapid fragance

Stale air...warm and crunchy, stuck in the tip of my nose like an electric cottonball, crackling and frizzy...

Grimy and warm in my layered poly-fibrous dress. Scraping out the dead skin from under my nails against my calf, with my thumb. Feeling the tips of my nails shriek in pain as the polish coils and constricts...

So much noise, its too loud...off kilter.

What am I supposed to do, how am I supposed to decide? How could anyone ever possibly risk something as huge as a decision? Who am I to make that call?

 Is this fear of responsibility? Or simply acknowledging my own powerlessness? Because in spite of everything, we cannot stop ourselves from dying. We cannot stop ourselves from cutting into the very flesh our souls inhabit. We cannot inhibit the evils flowing out of our hearts. We cannot even do the things we long to do, because we fear what truly lies within us. We fear the power behind the beauty locked within. The good and pure behind the veil of darkness and lunacy.

God is there. God is there. God is there.

The very spark of light we shy away from, that gives us our aliveness, our hearts, toes, eyes, nose, and all the elements flowing through our bodies. The tiny green glimmer as the sun falls beneath the ocean, our spark is dying, but it is glorious and eternal. Something to be cherished and admired forever. God is there, God is there, God is there....

Decisions? Fear? Responsibility?

No.

Come find Him.

I feel as though I am such a useless individual in this society. I can't handle it, I just can't. I cannot adapt, all I can do is try to keep holding myself together as long as I can and hope that one day I stop losing it and crumbling every week or two...

You are wonderful light
My only love
Sleep well,
Good night.

Beautiful Bloody Amber

An exercise in self observation. 

Purple, shiny, headache. 

Round eyes, widen.

Look!

Up, down, slanted. 

Focus fading, ears engaged. 

Scars on cheeks meet air flowing. 

Contacts blurring.  . . 

Stubby fingers scratch, knees rub, press.

Teeth grabbing flesh, tongue searching for blood. 

Pinching and chewing, swishing side to side...

Exit.

Streams....
It is such an unusual experience to be friends with people who are so innately different from oneself. To have them tell you flat out how ridiculous your way of being is, how your very rationale for living and the values you hold most deeply are rather disadvantageous to being alive.  Seriously? To live the way you live sounds so foreign to me, so simplistic but meaningless. I do enjoy simplicity, but it is never in a way that forsakes the more transcendental elements of life. How can someone flourish in such an environment?

More to the point, life without genuine and prolonged reflection involving constantly trying to see all sides of an argument sounds so, so, so unnatural to me. Living a life that is taken at face value, with little moment-to-moment thought spent contemplating the life-changing value of each experience.... I must try not to be too judgmental about it, because obviously there is something that works in that kind of lifestyle.  The problem is, they do not give me the same courtesy and tend to undermine my own methods of experiencing the world through their own thoroughly expressed opinions...perhaps unaware of the impact of their words because of how little other's words impact them....

And then I go about my daily consultant work, learning slowly not to take in the constant contentiousness of clients. That is easy, they are isolated incidents of irascibility from people with no direct link to my personal bubble of relationships. But to have friends be so incapable of the same level of consideration I always strive to provide is something that is a never-ending source of stress for me.  And perhaps it is just me complaining about something I simply need to adjust to... always need to adjust to. To fully be considerate of those people I must learn to see why they do what they do, to be able to understand the perspective that is so strange and unknown to me and that on some level repels me. I do in that way look forward to the challenge of bearing my soul to those who are in no way prepared to handle it, even as it causes me to cringe and cry out with a lonely sort of anguish.

It would be so fascinating to spend a few days living as someone else.  Maybe a few other elses.