Drab, gray streets filled with dreary gray people walking in lines. Thoughts sit melting in the background of their minds, their eyes consumed only with what they see around them.
How do people live like this? LIVE, I mean? What a typical day for someone staring over the edge of childhood.
I sit on some cold, cheerless steps, squeezing my legs tight to my chest, the brilliant blue of my coat fading around the edges where it touches the colorless pavement.
Maybe this is what it takes... takes to what?
Live, I mean LIVE, in a different way...
If only I could see it that way...
Friday, October 31, 2014
Thursday, October 30, 2014
What is depression?
Depression is not simply "deep sadness." Depression is like having your heart cut out. Once its gone you lose your feelings about everything.
It is like staring at a kitchen cupboard for 10 minutes, with no motivation to look away or to even make a decision. Everything is meaningless.
Where your life is just one big, dark hole.
Of course, somehow, almost mechanically, I still take care of others needs. Even if I can hardly feel anything at all, those motions are so familiar to me...
Depression is like feeling your soul taking up less and less space inside your body. Some kind of huge, immovable force crushes it, causing the soul to shriek in pain, feeling death.
---
We are all insane. The most insane thing about us all is that we believe what we think is right.
It is like staring at a kitchen cupboard for 10 minutes, with no motivation to look away or to even make a decision. Everything is meaningless.
Where your life is just one big, dark hole.
Of course, somehow, almost mechanically, I still take care of others needs. Even if I can hardly feel anything at all, those motions are so familiar to me...
Depression is like feeling your soul taking up less and less space inside your body. Some kind of huge, immovable force crushes it, causing the soul to shriek in pain, feeling death.
---
We are all insane. The most insane thing about us all is that we believe what we think is right.
Monday, October 27, 2014
What is being alive?
When we get high, we die a little. When we truly pray, we die. When we die, the only thing we lose is our "selves." We die to our "self" - ego - self separation. It does make sense. God makes perfect sense. It all makes perfect sense. He died to him Self too?
Self is the part of God that didn't work. Self is being cleansed from the system......
Self is the part of God that didn't work. Self is being cleansed from the system......
Tuesday, October 21, 2014
Action expresses priorities.
First day at a new school, and it's finals week. Why would they have me start in the middle of finals week?
I wander away from the two people trying to comfort me and show me around, walk into an unused section of the student center. There is a big water exhibit interspersed around and between the greek columns within. Swampy with reeds sticking up here and there, the water is divided by narrow stone walkways crisscrossing back and forth across the square pond. I walk to the back desk, but no one is there. I whimsically decide to walk across the pond, clumsily steering myself along one of the stone paths. Up ahead, a crocodile rears his head up from beneath the murky water. I turn around and head back towards the side I entered from, trying not to lose my footing on the slippery stones beneath my feet. There is a moment where I feel myself falling, but somehow I make it. I fling myself away from the pond just in time for the crocodile to spring up, mouth gaping, at the edge of the pond. My feet are just far enough away to escape his jaws as they snap shut, water splashing over the edge and soaking my legs.
I wander away from the two people trying to comfort me and show me around, walk into an unused section of the student center. There is a big water exhibit interspersed around and between the greek columns within. Swampy with reeds sticking up here and there, the water is divided by narrow stone walkways crisscrossing back and forth across the square pond. I walk to the back desk, but no one is there. I whimsically decide to walk across the pond, clumsily steering myself along one of the stone paths. Up ahead, a crocodile rears his head up from beneath the murky water. I turn around and head back towards the side I entered from, trying not to lose my footing on the slippery stones beneath my feet. There is a moment where I feel myself falling, but somehow I make it. I fling myself away from the pond just in time for the crocodile to spring up, mouth gaping, at the edge of the pond. My feet are just far enough away to escape his jaws as they snap shut, water splashing over the edge and soaking my legs.
Monday, October 20, 2014
Sunday, October 5, 2014
just listen
1. You're not so smart.
2. You're not so deep.
3. You don't know more than anyone else.
4. In fact, you probably know even less simply because of your scatter-brained tendency to jump from one subject to another before fully immersing yourself in just one.
5. You try to feel better about yourself by repeating the little odds and ends you do remember from different topics. This is almost as bad as pretending to be someone you aren't, with less usefulness.
6. You're definitely not very hard working, which is probably part of why you don't know very much and have to pretend that you do.
7. You have no real passion or drive in this life.
8. You are simply a people pleaser, keeping others around you in a false state of security and comfort so that they don't uncover the truth about how directionless and useless you really are.
9. You will always need someone to protect you and take care of you like a little child unless you can stop being all of these things.
10. Stop clinging to the well-worn perception that you are special, important, wise, or loving. Because you have no idea who or what you are really like. And maybe you don't want to know.
Get off your high horse, admit you are completely flawed.
Now what? Now what?
2. You're not so deep.
3. You don't know more than anyone else.
4. In fact, you probably know even less simply because of your scatter-brained tendency to jump from one subject to another before fully immersing yourself in just one.
5. You try to feel better about yourself by repeating the little odds and ends you do remember from different topics. This is almost as bad as pretending to be someone you aren't, with less usefulness.
6. You're definitely not very hard working, which is probably part of why you don't know very much and have to pretend that you do.
7. You have no real passion or drive in this life.
8. You are simply a people pleaser, keeping others around you in a false state of security and comfort so that they don't uncover the truth about how directionless and useless you really are.
9. You will always need someone to protect you and take care of you like a little child unless you can stop being all of these things.
10. Stop clinging to the well-worn perception that you are special, important, wise, or loving. Because you have no idea who or what you are really like. And maybe you don't want to know.
Get off your high horse, admit you are completely flawed.
Now what? Now what?
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