waxaciously eloquentinerant fiddle faddle fa ra

How important is it to suffer?

(every morning when we rise)

Radiant Diamonds :)

What is it? What do You want me to do?

Should I go with what has been given to me today? Should I stand up and say no?

Should I follow what the leaders tell me?

How easily I lose myself in others; nothing new in this sentence....

I hate all this dissonance. How in the WORLD do people have any sense of drive? The only thing I want isn't something I can obtain by my own doing, so how do I determine what to do with the rest of my time?

I must find a way to focus myself on what I want, even though I can't actively achieve it on my own. Agh! What!?!  So do I just try to think about it a lot?

holy crap, yes.

We broke the bond, shattering ourselves into a million pieces. And only rebuilding the bond can put us back together again....

What do you want?

Something real.

But what's real?

Exactly.

How am I feeling right now?

Alone.

Misunderstood.

Unheard.

Negated.

Distraught.

Unaffirmed.

Neglected.

Abused.

Used.

Empty.

Afraid.

Forlorn.

Meaningless.

Typical feelings right. Just a normal process. Just a phase, a stage of development listed right here in all my favorite texts. Not important, hardly even relevant. Lets psychoanalyze every little thing so that it no longer holds any sense of power or worth because we box all of it up and store it with the rest of our self aggrandizing, fantastical memories of a job complete, a task so supposedly understood and perfected that it is converted simply into another notch on ones belt, the significance of which fades not only with time but with every other notch created.

Lets disempower each other in every way possible.

Lets disempower the very words we use to share with each other by flippantly spewing them out, writing them off, and keeping ourselves at a worthy distance from the true purpose of them.

Am I going crazy? 

I feel so sad to have lost my brother so completely. It's both of us obviously. We have both changed so much. Lord you know I want to believe. Please help me to do so, because today felt like digging myself into a dark grave...or getting thrown into one. 

I should have known better. I should have ...

Dissociation or desensitization?