Work

I don't know why I have to keep giving in to the same ol feelings of stress and inadequacy as always... Don't I know what I'm doing? Do i? Doesn't feel like it. Even a year later what have I actually learned? How to do paperwork and use a laminator. That's how it feels anyway ... But whatever. I'm stuck here what am I going to do? Just keep dreading every encounter, envisioning my imminent failure at every turn? At least I'm good at keeping these thoughts to myself. For now anyway. Perhaps I will reach my breaking point again once the clients pile up for real. Is it going to be just like last year? Wtf is wrong with me why can't I just stop feeling so damn traumatized from what happened with the last company? 

Everyone in this field talks about making mistakes or having clients get upset with them like its no big deal. What a catastrophe. How can I ever survive in a position so tenuous and easily projected upon by those I'm required to interact with? How can I withstand the constant pressure I feel from theperceived  expectations of clients looking to me to bring a positive  change to oftentimes hopeless looking situations? How much of that is real and how much is just my imagination? how can i stop caring so much about how others feel or think about me? this is what proves my narcissism... Its that sneaky kind of narcissism that makes me distrust every altruistic act or thought I have.  Just rambling now trying to get the feelings out . ..... Blhgdfv