Tears, Sighs, and Happinesses

I find myself having these odd moments of clarity and sadness on my daily commute. It is so strange, there I am just driving along, thinking, thinking, thinking, and then all of a sudden I hit on something important, and feel a shift. A release, as though some window long since stuck closed or broken has been fixed and opened. Sobbing for just a moment as the grief billows out of my chest, upward into my mouth and past my lips.

And then it passes. Just another odd moment on the long drive home...

Work

I don't know why I have to keep giving in to the same ol feelings of stress and inadequacy as always... Don't I know what I'm doing? Do i? Doesn't feel like it. Even a year later what have I actually learned? How to do paperwork and use a laminator. That's how it feels anyway ... But whatever. I'm stuck here what am I going to do? Just keep dreading every encounter, envisioning my imminent failure at every turn? At least I'm good at keeping these thoughts to myself. For now anyway. Perhaps I will reach my breaking point again once the clients pile up for real. Is it going to be just like last year? Wtf is wrong with me why can't I just stop feeling so damn traumatized from what happened with the last company? 

Everyone in this field talks about making mistakes or having clients get upset with them like its no big deal. What a catastrophe. How can I ever survive in a position so tenuous and easily projected upon by those I'm required to interact with? How can I withstand the constant pressure I feel from theperceived  expectations of clients looking to me to bring a positive  change to oftentimes hopeless looking situations? How much of that is real and how much is just my imagination? how can i stop caring so much about how others feel or think about me? this is what proves my narcissism... Its that sneaky kind of narcissism that makes me distrust every altruistic act or thought I have.  Just rambling now trying to get the feelings out . ..... Blhgdfv

I know its gonna be, I know its gonna be, I know its gonna be........

Feelin jaded; I guess that would be the term.

Sitting here with my sparkling nails reeking of nitrocellulose... drinking month old refrigerated Forgotten Wine with my needled toes curled underneath me and into the carpet...

Back home from a trip to another home. An old home that no longer feels like it, but still brings a slight sense of longing...

How are you?

That old life flashes before me with warmth, with ease... but I am no longer alive in it. Smelling the dusty, sun-and-exhaust-aged bushels of flowers shaking in the middle of the freeway, seeing a Storke along the way. Four years almost to the month when all of these things went away, and life pushed me forward, my brain emptied and my heart unsure...

 What is life for you now? Oh how I want to know. Longing...worrying, wondering.

And yet, I cannot bring myself to find out more. To dredge up what must only now be settled. I miss something... but not enough to cause any more pain. I lift these tendrils of tragedy and want and fold them delicately into me, like a flower closing it's petals.

And I set them aside...