WAGGAWAGGAWAGGA

I should probably be writing some responses for an online class right now. Gosh, I've fallen so far behind on school work. After my school session next week I will have 3 papers to write in iono a couple weeks or something. And then...lo! Thesis ahoy! I'm pretty sure I should have started writing stuff for it AGES ago. or at least, thats what my advisor kept advising me to do. lets see how long I can postpone that!! Haha... as cool of a topic as I've chosen, I'm not really digging it as much as  i should I feel in order to write it. But I think the problem is more because I feel completely finished with the teachings at this school. The whole program has...at least, for me, started to feel like a complete waste of time. Well, almost a complete waste. 

But instead of focusing on counseling psychology/MFT theories... I'm hoping and praying that I get this teachers aide position I just applied for. I'm also emptying out bedpans and helping shriveled old ladies get into the shower... hmm... theres a flippant sort of comment or pun to be found in there somewhere, but alas, my head is full of chalk and stuffing at the moment.

 

I get so tired of having a mother who insists on telling me exactly everything I'm supposed to be going through as a young adult. Oh, thats how you feel, daughter? Well of course it is, at 26 we all go through a time of questioning our purpose in this life and blah blah blah psychoanalytic spiritual talk blah blah its just like what happened to me! So its whats going to happen to you! Look! It already is! See! I completely understand how you feel and I know everything you must be thinking! Isn't that great! And guess what!? To make things even better, I can tell you for certain that whenever I have a breakthrough in some way in my own life, youll have one too! You know why? Because we are so deeply connected!! Oh yes, more so than most moms and daughters, we are like twin souls sharing the same cosmic womb!! Thats how close we are! Did you know that!?!? Thats why whenever you feel a certain way I feel a certain way too! OMGZ!!!! YOU CAN NEVER ESCAPE ME!!!! 

And the scary thing is, there is a huge part of me that believes every bit of that. And another part of me that says, why fight? Even the rebellious part of me scoffs at my attempts to escape her... because... well, she probably is right, to a degree. I know she is right about some of the psychological stages that we tend to go through. But please woman, do you see what you're doing to me? Its no wonder I'm so incapable of simply being a normal young adult. You've made that impossible. I've sunken into some half you half me kind of personality. I'm part 62 year old crazy hippie philosophical type and part 26 year old totally lost, recently traumatized, poor young woman who has not much chance of fighting against that 62 year old's voice shouting from within. It pisses me off to no end... but more than pissing me off... it just....puts me on edge. Makes me feel like I'm about to lose it. Thanks for suffocating me!  Its what I've always wanted from my mom!

IIIiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

Hooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo..............

How many aeons have passed by since June? Its hard to say....

The shards twirl together, melting into a new and beautiful sculpture. Twisted, to some, tormented, to many, but beautiful all the same. Where will life take it next? Into what beautiful visage will it seep? Will we seek it as before? Will we recognize the potency flowing through its deadened crevices? Life and love and light, oh so passe, passing, passive. Love.... leaking, twisting, shaping itself into...what?

All of it comes on in its own strength and in its own time, leaving nothing but what else is there...

Everything.....

Ah, ah, ah...

i wish that I could tell you...all the things that you do...

I've finally perfected the act of crying silently, without twitching even a single muscle in my face. How artistic. I must find the beauty and the good, especially in my tears...

Happy birthday to me....

time to reveEEleleleleleleleleleleleal

First day on the new job yesterday. My hours are incredibly light so far. Only uhh 7 hours this week total. I don't know if this job will ever have steady regular hours, but i certainly hope I get more than that soon. Four hours spent yesterday solely as a companion for a woman with dementia. It was an interesting experience. She had a persistant notion that there were various strangers sleeping in all the beds in the house. Very strange. Her entire world is a strange one now, so different from how she used to live as some sort of conservative upper middle class lady in a quaint suburb. Now her world is full of stories of strangers sleeping in bed, dogs that can speak, restaurants full of people eating shit, and looking through the same 10 pictures in an old album of her kids, who she thinks are someone else's. Makes me wonder what life will be like for me at that age, if I get dementia.  Even if not directly related to therapy work, this job is going to give me some excellent experience in dealing with craziness, which could never be bad as a future therapist. If that ever happens. Sigh, we shall see. Finances are so unstable right now, who knows if or when Ill be able to get my internship hours done.  It is a very disheartening thought. Truly, I never felt more right than I did as a therapist.  Well, usually. I probably won't start up again until late spring of next year.

 

For the last few days I've really wanted to bake a cake completely from scratch. I've even got "cake" flour. Not sure if I actually need "cake" flour to make cake, probably not, but I assume it can't hurt. Does that make it not entirely from scratch? I dont even know. I think I'm going to try and make frosting as well, I've already got a giant tub of vegetable shortening to use haha, and then Ill make some of it pink using strawberries because I'm too cheap to buy food coloring. We'll see how that turns out, and how my decorating skillzzlzlzl turn out to be. I've watched my mom decorate enough cakes, I think i know how to make simple roses out of frosting, at least. Well, we shall see. I'm excited next week a friend I made in England is coming to visit. She isn't from England, rather she lives in Virginia, and is a little eccentric as I appear to be much of the time. I expect it to be a decent time, even though we are poor, and can't afford to do much. Kinda weary about it to though, as I really haven't been socializing with too  many people for so long now... Eh, good that shes kinda the same way. 

I'm just kinda rambling now. I read this interesting Pew study about our generation, the "millenials," as we have officially been dubbed, I suppose. To me, it indicates that the majority of us are incredibly naive, over-optimistic, and probably delusional or in denial about our own values and goals in life. Yes, they say their main goals in life are to get married and be a good parent, but really, who when taking a survey is going to honestly admit to wanting to make money, be famous, or party all the time? Perhaps those are their long term goals in which they, at present, have no idea of how or when they will take a stab at obtaining. Of course, I *might* be a little judgmental when I say things like that haha. I suspect that much of our generation is disappointed with their peers in the same way that I am, and that really, we are exactly like every other generation before us, minus the ever increasing changes in technology (which every generation has had as well anyway). All the other differences that make Millenials stand out from previous generations seem to be slowly appearing in the older generations as well, as social and ethical issues continue to evolve across the board in the same liberal, evolutionary, "tolerant" kind of way. At least in westernized countries, I'd assume. Whatever feels good, as long as it doesn't hurt anybody. Yeah, it sounds so great, but what a shallow, empty standard to live by. WHATEVER FEELS GOOD.... "feels" good? So then... how do you know if its actually good, or good for you?  haha, eh, eh, eh. I can't even continue with these thoughts, they seem so arbitrary in the long run....

ACHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO INTO SPACE!!!!

Job orientation tomorrow...yipe! I have no reason to be afraid though. Just gotta remember..

Luke 11:13

“If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more shall your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask Him?”