you know that I could use somebody......

Man, talking with JGB just now really brought me back to nostalgisizing. Only 6 years ago I was in high school doing my crazy asexual loving everythin thing. I guess now I'm only doing one of those things... and just...so different.

I just don't know where I will be next, it feels.


I feel so odd today.


Does the fact that I constantly ask myself "Am I crazy?" Mean that I'm not? Or.................................................................................................

no.

How easily lost I can become. And how often, still, even with the hopefulness from things like my last entry. And so many other things. Am I ready for the journey I am undertaking? Right now it feels as though I am carrying all the weight of the world on my two scrawny shoulders. I feel so malnourished and out of shape... trying to eat as little smelly food as possible does not leave one with many options. I just feel so bad making the house smell by cooking and thus making his pains worse. Even though he tells me to do it... i know it is difficult for him. I can't keep doing it though. I made baked garlic basil eggplant with tomato sauce tonight. It was ok...I think I baked it for too long, or didn't add enough olive oil, or maybe it was a bad eggplant or something. I do like experimenting in the kitchen though.

I'm getting good at baking cookies. I foudn a great super simple recipe online to make choco chip cookies, and with a few sheisty modifications of my own now have restaurant worthy cookies I can pump out in less than 30 minutes if I move fast enough. I add extra glucose to help with Nick's porphyira and voila I've cooked more than half of his daily caloric intake in one batch! He's gotten skinny. Well he was always kind of skinny. Tall and well built but in a skinny way. It makes me nervous if I get any fatter I will be bigger than him. And that will kill that tiny part of me that still clings to my BDD. Or should I say that fat part of me? HYUK....

i have had no motivation whatsoever to do any of my homework today. I have felt sick all day. Not physically really, but in every other possible way I have felt sick. I am not sure why. Well, I can guess at why, but its kind of R rated. And i am hoping it isn't the real reason why! For a second I smelled my garlic encrusted fingers and caught of whiff of fresh pine....how odd...

Seriously where is the line? Crazy? Not crazy? Am I just fooling everyone in this new life I've taken on? Is it all going to fall apart eventually? Me, trying to run an entire household on my own? Really?! How is this even working at all? How am I a therapist? How can I be dedicated to another human being so fully? How can I even consider marriage!? A family down the line...? I'm not worthy for any of those things a normal, sane person aspires towards. I'm just....utter dysfunction. And stupidity. Well, they go hand in hand really...

Seriously, do peopel reading this stop and think, gosh she is a real loon. Or whatever the modern age equivalent to that term is? I feel as though they might. I could see it happening. I AM SO TIRED OF MY BRAIN!

I'm starting to realize that I realyl do over think things. I assume that a lot of people DON'T overthink thigns this much. Part of me cannot believe that. PFFT here I am thinkin I am all open minded and stuff and I can't even see past my own perspective of reality. But then...should I be striving to see past my own perspective so much? Or is that why I have no idea what my perspective actually is!? Yeah yeah I think I've discussed that before. At least in my head. Looking too much at the big picture makes it realyl hard to be an individual.

I can ramble on and on for days. Oh whats this? I have school in a day and a half!? And papers to write still!? What a surprise! Whatever....

There is seriously a part of me saying...pfft whatever. You'll get it done. You always do. Except for that one paper you deferred from last quarter that you probably won't turn in again until the final deadline at the end of this quarter. WOFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

Current spaz dance song:

God is Good :)

Finally got a computer in my room. And a desk. So many lovely donations from church members and friends. And I have my old Saitek keyboard that I love so much back too! Its awesome.

Wow, so much has been happening. I don't even know where to begin...

A lot of things are finally start to come together...starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I mostly mean in an emotional way, for me and for Nick, and for both of our families/our issues with our families. Its weird how something like a dying family member brings everyone back together...and even though its sad to see, and to say goodbye, it brings about the beginning of a whole new chapter in one's life. Suddenly all of those old melodramatic little spats don't have any hold on you and you can come back into your family's life. All the members can come back together. Well. It might be too soon to see. Thats all Nick's family stuff though.


For me, I think I'm even closer than ever before to touching that inner part of myself I'd never been able to identify. It is most simply, God, through the Holy Spirit. The secularist student in me still retches a little bit when I say things like that...but I know its true. It is pure, unadultered love and joy and peace, channelled through something not from this world, but from God, the source of all life and all things seen and unseen. How can I deny something that I've always felt? Something that I know has always made me the joyful person I am, in spite of most hardship?

And now I've seen miracles too. I've been holding Nick at night as he writhes in agony from his porphyria...unable to sleep or get comfortable...totally sick, mentally, physically, emotionally..and just helpless. And just in the last couple of nights...without saying anything to Nick, without him even knowing....I prayed for God to cast out his pain and illness. I truly and deeply prayed from that space inside myself, I was able to feel the unending love and connection that is always there, and feel secure that my prayers were answered. And in that moment, Nick became still. He fell deeply asleep, and remained that way for hours. He is again tonight sleeping, snoring quite loudly actually.

After struggling for years with this pain... with no medication helping more than just a little with the symptoms...he is able to sleep. Thank you thank you thank you thank you!!!!! THANK YOU God!!