“The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.”

Expanding and retracting

How deep can these trenches I walk in be dug? Day after day, pressing the muddy earth beneath my feet, feeling the line imprinted by repeated steps sink a little further. Knowing the salt and water squelching softly with each footfall is remnants of tears cried on previous journeys along the same path....

Every day is darker down here, but when I happen to look up, I see the sky; a vibrant, piercing blue full of the trills of birds, the warmth of the sun, fresh breezes that can invigorate me. But it is, sadly, beyond my reach. I can only glimpse it with my eyes, my other senses blocked by dense muddy walls and distracted by the constant lurching forward along my little line...

Perhaps someday I can embrace the life of a mole, blind and happy with a life lived in darkness, burying myself alive, eating soft brown granules of dirt, digging trenches into tunnels so far removed from the world that to be alone is natural and unquestionable...

There are days where it almost seems possible. And then there are days where the very thought of trying makes me want to quit all together...quit everything. But it is far too late for that. 

Lord, I know I must rely on you... It is too hard for me even to do that on my own. Please bring me back to you... Please... I know I don't deserve it... And may even be selfish in the request... 

Why are there so many days where it feels as though everything I do for him is unappreciated? Why do I still question whether or not he even loves me? Are these feelings justified by his behavior or am I misreading his actions? I'd like to think I am able to decipher these things correctly at this point but...

 ....will there always be a part of me that feels unloved and unwanted? Even worse, used without being appreciated and still viewed as inadequate as a lover? 

this is why the mole life seems so enticing...to be so ignorant, to simply keep grinding away at my life, giving and not receiving, and being...ok... With it. Maybe not ok, but at least...not thinking about it so that it cannot torture me any longer. To be just a happy little tool for someone else...

Well that seems all the more likely to happen now anyway, even if I do not choose it. I guess that's good. Maybe soon I can stop posting things like this. Happy in my nothingness.