And it is one that will never be shared with anyone else... and thats ok.
I think, really, I just want someone who will share this burden with me, even just once and a while... as long as it was somewhat reliable...as ridiculous a desire that is...
But, I am the selfish one. Its true. I am the one who lets other people down. I do in fact know it is true. I am the one who can't be enough. The truest of all. There's just not enough left of me to be that way....and I can't explain it to anyone, and why should I even have the right to try?
And now, I can't even allow myself to feel this way. I can't, I can't , its not safe. I could hurt someone so dear, I have to learn how to be OK with it. I have to learn how to recover quickly and keep going. There is no time anymore to wallow in my depression.
Now is when I will let the tears fall, silent as always. Now is when I will let myself feel the weight of all my pain, all of your pain, all rolled into one. I never claimed to be perfect, though I strive to understand it all, to be your all, to hold the burden. And I know, it is only possible to a degree. It is impossible to ever understand all the internal turmoil experienced by another person, just as it is impossible not to be effected by the fiery lashings, the bottomless pit of depression that pulls at every corner of this house after years of seeping in it. How horrible it sounds when I write it out. Because it is.
How am I supposed to make any decisions when I feel this way? So ridiculously broken and confused. So dead to myself, to the world, to everything. So alone with it all, because there is no chance of finding support anymore, from anyone other than those who cannot go or dare not go to the places I reside most frequently, and which are in such need of another mind. I give even a small piece of my burden to you and it breaks you under the weight of the burden you already carry, and then the lashings begin again. It is to be expected. It has to be. Lets just agree on that, ok? I can't keep trying to share and be received by a wild animal, ripping me to pieces. I am sorry if this is selfish. That is why I am writing it all here, so I won't have to share it with you, or with anyone else. It can die here, this piece of myself.
I am not sure what will be left but I will find a way to keep going, to be there for you. Pretending I am whole and well again when you find your way back to some state of equilibrium.
