"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you..."

I watch as your mind is shrouded, overwhelmed by a seething tide of unfettered emotions. A cloud of anxiety and chaos. I see the crease between your eyebrows deepen as you try to overcome both the physical and mental war raging within. You sigh, breath shaking as you lift yourself from the sofa. You walk away from me wordlessly, the slightest shadow of a limp as your legs carry you down the hall.

I watch you as the door opens and you disappear into the darkness.... 

"Can I do anything to help?"

"I don't know."

Lying in your arms in the darkness, listening to the sounds of pain that softly emerge from your lips as you lay still and stiff, waiting for the next invisible pin to stick itself into your body. You never seem quite sure where it will hit you next. I wrap my arm delicately across your chest and over your shoulder. You gently move it closer to your neck, and I wince along with you as I realize I must have gotten too close to a live nerve. I find myself holding my breath until my arm is safely settled across your collarbone. I join you in your stillness. We inhale and exhale together; a somber, subtle rhythm that fills the silence, the only movement a restrained rising and falling from our chests...

So many years later and I still cannot allow myself to resent these painful, tender moments, of which there are so many. Even when you don't notice, I am sharing them with you, silently. Laying so still on your shoulder and willing myself not to make any noise as the tears pool in my eyes and overflow onto my cheeks. Knowing that if you notice, it will only add to the layers upon layers of pain you endure; the shame, the brokenness, the hopelessly frustrated desire to do more, to be more...And now you casually, waveringly offer me whatever you can, trying to pretend like your insides aren't on fire and sudden movements are easy, effortless...

I find your hand; your rough fingers rub circles into my palm. I feel the depth of your tenderness in this small, affectionate motion.

But I can't keep going tonight, as much as I know it might help you. My heart is overwhelmed again. I am unable to stop myself from feeling that sharp, deep stabbing that penetrates to the core... the hopelessness, the desperation.  The love that we share, and the immense pain that comes with it. A desire to escape the pain, and the pain that comes from thinking that the only way to escape is too painful in and of itself to ever consider. It would not, truly, be an escape, just another kind of torture. My heart is like an animal in a cage, beating loudly, doused in flame, in a room full of fire...I cannot help you, and I cannot help myself.

"I love you so much," I say.

"I love you too," you say.



  We lay silently, breaths intermingling, tears flowing softly on my cheeks.