Why does it offend me even more to know that I myself fall prey to this very same form of thinking about others?
I think I know why, at least in part...
I truly, truly, truly am repulsed by pain and distortion, because these two things are the true opposites of love and truth. And these are the things I have always wanted to share with everyone. These are the things that I have always identified with the most, even before I had an identity. And to think that I myself have been corrupted by the things I am so repulsed by.... to think that others must be corrupted by them, possibly because of me.... I feel so utterly irresponsible and despondent; acknowledging my inability to resolve these situations that have been left in a dark, useless corner to decay.
Because when it comes down it, I aspire to be something I cannot ever fully be, and there are moments in my life where I can shine and be a little closer to that something, and there are moments that I fall incredibly short of it. And there always will be, because I am a human being just like everyone else. I have never felt like I was perfect, but I will say this: I have never ever intentionally wanted to hurt anyone. And sometimes I forget that my actions and my words actually can do that to others. I have always viewed myself as something of little consequence or effect towards others, unless it were to be like a soft, warm blanket wrapped around their shoulders; a lithe and ethereal fairy flying about their bodies as they go out into the world and serve their purpose. So what damage could I possibly do? Interesting how sometimes we lock ourselves away in the same 2D images we tend to do to others... fixing everything that we do so that it is perceived as fitting within that self-depiction...
But I have done damage, because I am not those things. I am a human being just as complicated and forever changing as every other human being. And I do so wish that being a human did not include the pain and distortion that precedes maturity.
And so growing up, with no real perception of ourselves or others, we are like bumper cars at a carnival, careening back and forth, ramming into one another, enjoying the sensation at the same time that it jolts us into a shocking state of mind over and over again until we grow weary of it and someone rams us again and suddenly its not so enjoyable anymore... its no longer a game and they should know this! Why do they insist on hurting you so? Such an interesting, fleeting and yet never ending sense of injustice...
We are blind to the effects of our behavior on those around us, even as we think we know what we are communicating. And we are likewise incapable of interpreting the actions of others towards us in a truly objective way. Obviously...
And thus so many hearts are broken and trampled, but by what? Was it by another, or merely our own perception of the other? Our immediate, impulsive reactions to events that occur because of another's own immediate, impulsive reactions to some other event? This endless chain of misinterpreted overreaction and a corresponding trauma, feeling powerless, angry, abused...just an innocent victim of some external evil, because we all have this idea that we are always good, everything we do is always justified, therefore if there is ever conflict, the blame must lie on someone else...
But really aren't we all just victims of ourselves? Yikes, how cliche. But its true in this particular context. Our own distorted depictions of reality, passed on to us from however many generations of people in a constant state of reacting to someone or something else reacting to someone and something else............
I just wish I could take it all and crumple it up like a piece of paper, crush it until it is nothing more than a splayed out cross section of exponentially expanding atomic dust...
