we have created a generation of wizards. Philosophers, deep thinkers, planners, organizers, and theoreticists....
An excess of teachers, but a deficit of laborers...
strange.
Tuesday, March 31, 2015
Thursday, March 12, 2015
Thursday, March 5, 2015
Wednesday, March 4, 2015
We were not made to feel so much all at once.
There is a sudden, loud sound. A fair medium distance away from where I stand dithering in the kitchen. A clanging scrape; some loud object has fallen over against the wall... but what wall?
I wonder, was it coming from within or without?
I've paused, my dithering cut off with a sharp, pinching sensation in my chest, an awakening rush of adrenaline shoots up and around my skull, behind my eyes, into my guts.
And then I'm gone. A violent gurgling panic consumes my body as I feel my mental faculties fly away. Hold on, stay together. Don't panic. There's no real portention of danger...yet.
My terrified eyes flit to the mirror, catching a momentary glimpse, dark eyes and small, twisted face disappearing before they can be fully deciphered.
In this moment I can feel every shred of my existence. Every cell in me shrieking, dividing, dying and rejoining. Like fuzzy reception, I appear to flicker in and out, edges blurred into sharp lines, static.
My heart is the only thing I can feel, tightened and enlarged, beating frantically as it pushes itself upward towards my neck.
A thought, an image, pokes up from my subconscious. A dark brown shapeless mass, oozing and alive, creeping slowly around the corner...
Is this what it means to be truly conscious? Or is this what it is to lose reality? Whatever reality really is, of course.
I feel overwhelmed in this tense moment, all unfolding in a minute or less. The burden is too much, I want to let it go.
Don't go.
DON'T GO.
Keep it together, keep it together. Get the pills. Don't look, don't focus on it, its not there, it's not there.
Keep going. Get your lunch. Sit down. Distract yourself and wait. It will pass.
I wonder, was it coming from within or without?
I've paused, my dithering cut off with a sharp, pinching sensation in my chest, an awakening rush of adrenaline shoots up and around my skull, behind my eyes, into my guts.
And then I'm gone. A violent gurgling panic consumes my body as I feel my mental faculties fly away. Hold on, stay together. Don't panic. There's no real portention of danger...yet.
My terrified eyes flit to the mirror, catching a momentary glimpse, dark eyes and small, twisted face disappearing before they can be fully deciphered.
In this moment I can feel every shred of my existence. Every cell in me shrieking, dividing, dying and rejoining. Like fuzzy reception, I appear to flicker in and out, edges blurred into sharp lines, static.
My heart is the only thing I can feel, tightened and enlarged, beating frantically as it pushes itself upward towards my neck.
A thought, an image, pokes up from my subconscious. A dark brown shapeless mass, oozing and alive, creeping slowly around the corner...
Is this what it means to be truly conscious? Or is this what it is to lose reality? Whatever reality really is, of course.
I feel overwhelmed in this tense moment, all unfolding in a minute or less. The burden is too much, I want to let it go.
Don't go.
DON'T GO.
Keep it together, keep it together. Get the pills. Don't look, don't focus on it, its not there, it's not there.
Keep going. Get your lunch. Sit down. Distract yourself and wait. It will pass.
It will always pass.
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