Vanity met with more vanity. This is all we have.
Everything I say or do feels compelled by arrogance. Me, me, me. When will I stop throwing all these pity parties and just get over everything, right? How the heck am I supposed to do that?
Still such arrogance. I can't trust anyone. It's been squashed down inside me by my pride. Or self pity, whatever it is exactly. And it leaves me hopeless and lost and stuck in a daze. Fear and anger and anxiety beyond what I can handle, stupidly enough. I'm such a coward. Why do I seek sympathy from anyone at all? Why do I crave a comforting word or two from another human being? I don't deserve it and it wouldn't do any good would it? Just affirm my prideful self pity...
Oh just get over yourself girl. Your problems are nothing. Obviously everyone else can handle such trivial issues as your own, no problem. And if they can't well they can trust in The Lord so why can't you do that? Why not? ANSWER. ME. No, don't even bother I know you can't forget it I'm leaving you, I can't take it anymore. You're too full of yourself to take the leap, you coward.
Wah wah wah why don't you cry some more because your mom was so nasty to you? You infant. Wake up and pray like you ought to. Read the Word. What the heck is your problem feeling overwhelmed when you have The Lord !? Who provides all the love and compassion and care any little human could ever need and more. Well you must not really have Him then you fool. Pull the wool from your eyes and realize how much you've let yourself believe you had gained, no inherited, wisdom. You useless unfortunate little girl...thing.
You will always be alone. Trapped in your own prideful cowardice and pity, the terror ripping across your brain like a writhing electric wire. A nice excuse for paralysis, to stay stuck. Can't you free yourself? Can't you simply call out to the one who can save you?
No. I can't. Maybe someday with enough of this torturous life when I'm old and worn out from the constant stress pounding me into mush. Maybe then. But who knows. It will take a lot,to break this. To break myself. It feels as though I should have suffered enough by now to have had it happen but apparently not. My defenses are well fortified. Is it really only me here? Still feels like it. If I'm real. If anythings real. He is real. But he has given up on me.... And of course He is real. My dreams know it better than I do. But am I? Or am I just the frayed remnant of a girl who was born and cast immediately into the shadows? Oh cry cry cry you little wasp. Maybe someone will read this and their heart will break for just a moment before it goes on beating, healthy and alive. Where is my vitality? Surrendered to pride...pity...who knows... Lost...la la la....
Maybe I should just try and help him find salvation and be satisfied with that. Maybe that's the Lords plan all along.
I'm sorry. For all of this senseless self imposed tribulation. I wish I could tear it off like an old carapace and be done with for good.
All of it vanity and a striving after the wind.
