Tuesday, May 22, 2012
doomed to repeat the same patterns from generation to generation...
Sometimes I feel so alone...
Its either feel alone or hate how I look, I think. Or maybe both. Yeah, I think I'm at the point where it can be both.
Maybe I should just give in and start taking antidepressants or something. Obviously I'm too weak to handle this situation on my own...
Its either feel alone or hate how I look, I think. Or maybe both. Yeah, I think I'm at the point where it can be both.
Maybe I should just give in and start taking antidepressants or something. Obviously I'm too weak to handle this situation on my own...
Monday, May 21, 2012
W. Berry`
I have again come home
through miles of sky
from hours of abstract talk
in the way of modern times
when humans live in their minds
and the world, forgotten, dies
into explanations. Weary
with absence, I return to earth.
Bweeeeeeeeeeeee..............
Things getting even more financially unstable...........which is hard to believe as they already were pretty bad before..... just freaking bleeding money from all sides..........
need to get a job. need to study for finals. need to do 231247362787458975 papers and my thesis work. Need to do counseling work. Need to pay the bills. need to do this and this and this and this and this..............................buhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Most of me wants to just implode but that won't get any of it done, now, will it?
Just gotta have faith and keep on trekkkin through :)
Things getting even more financially unstable...........which is hard to believe as they already were pretty bad before..... just freaking bleeding money from all sides..........
need to get a job. need to study for finals. need to do 231247362787458975 papers and my thesis work. Need to do counseling work. Need to pay the bills. need to do this and this and this and this and this..............................buhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Most of me wants to just implode but that won't get any of it done, now, will it?
Just gotta have faith and keep on trekkkin through :)
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Late night early mornin critique
I am slowly turning into an amorphous blob. It's absolutely disgusting. I'm not sure what I can do about it though it might just be inevitable. Sometimes I really wish I didnt completely and fundamentally disagree with getting cosmetic/plastic surgery.
Sunday, May 6, 2012
http://vimeo.com/14551672
Puuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!
I keep thinking I need to be on Adderol or something. So tired of getting myself all worked up over all the little things that are stressing me out.
I started to study and then began thinking about money and how fast we are running out of it....so I got online and looked at jobs....and while I talked myself out of applying to 99% of em, I applied to one. I actually spent the time to apply to one of em, which required me to mess with my resume and figure out what to write in the email. I hope not including a cover letter was ok...it was from a craigslist ad so I figured it wasn't a big deal....hopefully!
But now I've got study sessions lined up tomorrow that Im not prepared for at all. And other things. Sigh.... well, I should probably just go to bed soon.
All sorts of weird dreams. I wish I could remember more of them at this point. One where there was a kind of ugly lookin baby with a dyed maroon mohawk, I started to make fun of it a little and then the babies dad noticed and got really indignant about it and I felt so embarassed.... i dunno there was something else about it that I can't recall anymore.... other things that happened.
All these stupid insecurities and crap going on all the time, I can't stand it. Coming down again this next weekend, wont have a lot of time for anything, mom imposing herself on my limited time, I just don't know if I can handle too much time with her right now. The plan is to spend as minimal amount of time with her for mothers day as I can and then take off. My bedroom has been taken over by Bib, I cleaned out all my stuff last time, leaving only the stuff I no longer cared for. My mom apparently sorted through it and cried over losing her daughter... yea, finally, she realizes, I'm an adult now. Good. its kind of crazy though, that era is officially over. When I return to my family home this weekend there will no longer be any place I can call my own. Part of me wants to question whether or not that is what I want....but I think that is the extent to which I want it. Yes... I'm working so hard to hear what I actually want, I, myself, actually want. BEcause for so long its always been about what everyone else wants, to some degree... or at least what I think they want. Well, no longer.
Even if I'm just a useless idiotic ugly weird waste of space.... well.....
No no no.... I am useful? I think? I don't know. It hurts to ask myself that question still. A bit. Sometimes more often than not.
Its nice to feel understood by someone though. I'm starting to believe Nick really does. I think. I hope. I worry a lot that even now, what I'm writing, is tailored to some degree by my own assumptions of what he thinks and wants and feels and says for/to me. I have very little assurance of what I myself think or want because I realize now that I decided long ago that what I should always want is whats best for others, those present with me or those that will at some point be present with me.
I want to write more, and draw more, even take up the harp again, take voice lessons....but to do those things I have to feel secure, and confident, at least to some degree. I constantly stop myself from trying to do anything ANYTHING ANYTHING AT ALL because I feel so insecure in it.
I can't even continue reading because of how much I feel I forgot what I read 2 seconds after reading it. And I don't know if I have an actual learning disorder if its all just self esteem related or what. Maybe I should get myself tested. Sigh.
Stupid stupid stupid. No no no! GHUHUHADJHJDFF
Its good I'm going through this now though. As long as nothing unexpected happens, I have plenty of time to develop myself. And hopefully my faith, even more. Yay!
I keep thinking I need to be on Adderol or something. So tired of getting myself all worked up over all the little things that are stressing me out.
I started to study and then began thinking about money and how fast we are running out of it....so I got online and looked at jobs....and while I talked myself out of applying to 99% of em, I applied to one. I actually spent the time to apply to one of em, which required me to mess with my resume and figure out what to write in the email. I hope not including a cover letter was ok...it was from a craigslist ad so I figured it wasn't a big deal....hopefully!
But now I've got study sessions lined up tomorrow that Im not prepared for at all. And other things. Sigh.... well, I should probably just go to bed soon.
All sorts of weird dreams. I wish I could remember more of them at this point. One where there was a kind of ugly lookin baby with a dyed maroon mohawk, I started to make fun of it a little and then the babies dad noticed and got really indignant about it and I felt so embarassed.... i dunno there was something else about it that I can't recall anymore.... other things that happened.
All these stupid insecurities and crap going on all the time, I can't stand it. Coming down again this next weekend, wont have a lot of time for anything, mom imposing herself on my limited time, I just don't know if I can handle too much time with her right now. The plan is to spend as minimal amount of time with her for mothers day as I can and then take off. My bedroom has been taken over by Bib, I cleaned out all my stuff last time, leaving only the stuff I no longer cared for. My mom apparently sorted through it and cried over losing her daughter... yea, finally, she realizes, I'm an adult now. Good. its kind of crazy though, that era is officially over. When I return to my family home this weekend there will no longer be any place I can call my own. Part of me wants to question whether or not that is what I want....but I think that is the extent to which I want it. Yes... I'm working so hard to hear what I actually want, I, myself, actually want. BEcause for so long its always been about what everyone else wants, to some degree... or at least what I think they want. Well, no longer.
Even if I'm just a useless idiotic ugly weird waste of space.... well.....
No no no.... I am useful? I think? I don't know. It hurts to ask myself that question still. A bit. Sometimes more often than not.
Its nice to feel understood by someone though. I'm starting to believe Nick really does. I think. I hope. I worry a lot that even now, what I'm writing, is tailored to some degree by my own assumptions of what he thinks and wants and feels and says for/to me. I have very little assurance of what I myself think or want because I realize now that I decided long ago that what I should always want is whats best for others, those present with me or those that will at some point be present with me.
I want to write more, and draw more, even take up the harp again, take voice lessons....but to do those things I have to feel secure, and confident, at least to some degree. I constantly stop myself from trying to do anything ANYTHING ANYTHING AT ALL because I feel so insecure in it.
I can't even continue reading because of how much I feel I forgot what I read 2 seconds after reading it. And I don't know if I have an actual learning disorder if its all just self esteem related or what. Maybe I should get myself tested. Sigh.
Stupid stupid stupid. No no no! GHUHUHADJHJDFF
Its good I'm going through this now though. As long as nothing unexpected happens, I have plenty of time to develop myself. And hopefully my faith, even more. Yay!
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