Haven't posted in a whillle. Sorta not doin the journaling as much. Definitely should be. In my last session of winter quarter this weekend. I have a 3 page paper to write that is due tomorrow!
So this one won't be long. It was an interesting time in class tonight. We were learning about body movement therapy, so of course we had to practice some of it on ourselves... the teacher had us doing something called authentic movement, where basically you just move however your body feels like moving... trying not to act at all, just moving as you feel like....
I have rug burns from when I did it. I kind of ended up dissociating like I used to when I had panic attacks and thrashing around on the ground for a little while. Pretty weird. The teacher almost came up to help me but I got in under control by myself...brought things back together, reminded myself of some things Lisa had told me about my inner strength and such... it was still interesting, because for every one person doing authentic movement, there were two people acting as "witnesses;" after my movement time was over, i got back together with them and we discussed what had gone down with me. They said it looked like a scary, but beautiful, choreographed dance, how I moved about, fluxing between a few dissociative moments (one involving the thrashing) and beautiful, healing sort of motions I guess. I only mention what they said because it didn't feel that way to me. It felt like I was fighting for control the whole time, wanting to release the pain, the fear, the tension, inside me, but not wanting it to overwhelm me physically, which is why I was able to snap out of the dissociations so quickly on my own... i kept trying to balance between releasing the darkness and reaching out to my own inner light again to keep myself in check....
It was a good experience, overall, even if I was sweaty and scraped by the end of it. Alright, back to paper writing....
