This grad school weekend was pretty awful for the most part. A lot of triggers from my Domestic Violence class talking about rape. Oh boy, I didn't fully realize how difficult these classes on trauma were going to be...and there will pretty much be ones like this every quarter from now till I graduate I think.
This weekend made me look back on things that had happened last year and really feel what I had dissociated from in the situation. As has been happening a lot recently, I suddenly have these weird moments where something inside me just sort of clicks and all these new feelings are released. I have so many bad feelings about what happened with K that I never dealt with. I expect to bring it up in therapy soon. The memory of it keeps getting stuck in my head, pounding at me like a headache…us standing on top of a mountain in the shade, long, wet grass and a cold wind blowing as he lifted up my shirt and grabbed me all over……constricting me……squeezing….spouting his senseless quasi fake guru shit…… As I just stood there frozen, hollow………. And then later when I was mislead into letting him penetrate me…… I was dissociating the whole time he worked on me to get what he wanted……. Totally gone. He had built up a huge sense of trust and respect with me, he was in a position of trusted, loving authority over me....and he used it to do whatever he wanted to do. I'd never been so used before.... Its no fucking wonder to me anymore about why Jake happened barely a week later. Most of last year I think was this constant reaction to that initial trauma, a horrible, twisted reaction that I had no control over, I was lost. I'm still pretty lost I guess............... is this overreaction at this point? Am I being over-sensitive? Overdramatizing an issue that shouldn't be a big deal??? Compared to things that have happened to other people in this godforsaken world humanity has created.... I've hardly been hurt at all.... sigh.... I don't know about that........it bothers me.......perhaps makes me less wanting to deal with it....
I remember as I was going through it all, being able to tell I still wasn't in control of myself. Such a weird feeling of detachment all year, seeing myself acting but not really being the one creating the actions...and....a lot of the time it still feels like that. Where am I? Really? Was I ever really there? Is this just part of an awakening to self? The unconscious bursting into the conscious, reshaping the ego? jsjdhfa;lsjghg I dont know. I don't know!!
And now I'm still sort of picking up the pieces.... trying to move forward in my life with this graduate school stuff, which I still don't feel quite ready to do...but I'm pushing myself to do it.... hoping for the best. I hope this doesn't effect my ability to get what I need done.......I really don't want to be another dropout. We've already had three classmates drop out of the program, one of which had a bunch of traumatic stuff like me to deal with and it just became too much.... I'm just hoping I don't end up going that way too....
I'm starting to feel really detached from everything again....this whole week since grad school I've been really out of it. And when I say out of it I mean..... I just want to avoid everything. It kinda feels like I want to stop existing....at least existing in this world I guess...if I could just curl up inside my daydreams all the time....thatd be nice..........
talk about avoiding the problem.......by avoiding everything...
This sums up my inner world right now kinda i guess
