I've switched back to pen and paper journaling these days, but some small part of me felt like giving this weirdly public ghost town of a page some attention tonight. It's late but isn't that the best time for aimless pondering?
It's so interesting to think about how much thinking one does throughout their lives. And to think that those thoughts are, in some sense, completely separate from the physical world one inhabits. And yet, they are also so deeply, deceptively connected to it.
I have been caught between a thousand dichotomies of this sort, as of late. Or maybe always....see? Ha, ha, ha...
These days...life feels closer to death, and yet also closer to life, all at once. I lay here at night, all at once hardened and remorseful of the life lost... with a creeping sensation of authenticity and aliveness running through me, like a live wire, frayed and wriggling out of control..
Heart is empty, but the soul is on fire...
Is it a different flavor of peacefulness, or a flimsy, jaded facade?
I lay here with my face pressed into the earth,
eyes alive and sparkling
Flooded by the beauty
of dust
rising up around the feet
of those that I adore...
I must admit I have not been able to fully explore the duelling sensations within, such is my lot in life to reflect deeply but never long enough to see it through...
I get caught in being present and withdrawing , there is never enough time.,..
The wind blows where it wishes, and you hear its sound, but you do not
know where it comes from or where it goes. So it is with everyone who is
born of the Spirit. It is a surprisingly beautiful thing, to find oneself becoming so purely unfettered. Unfettered to the point of stability. Suprising, I suppose that would have been, to my old self. But it makes perfect sense now. Unfettered to the point of a truly doubtless existence. Something that would be entirely unfathomable to my old self. But that is perhaps just part of growing up. And loving God. Probably all of it is really... Unfettered to the point of endless love, grace, and harmony. Perhaps something to look forward to.
There is no way to summarize my experience over the last few months...
I wonder how I will look back upon this time of my life in a few years. Even in a few months...
You can only imagine what it is like before it happens. And then....it is nothing like you imagine. Strange. I had heard it was like an expanding of your heart, to hold another person so dear.... but it is so much more than that. It is more like an expanding of your entire being, to the point where it bursts and dissolves into the background, replaced by an ever expanding view of another being. This beautiful little creature, wholly unknown, and yet oddly familiar, looking at you with the most mysterious, unblemished expression.
And to think...this is my beautiful little creature. What an extraordinary and downright shocking statement that is. It still does not feel real.
But like everything in my life, it is always a sign of importance the less real something feels to me. A permanent state of awe, astonishment, disbelief that something this blessed and beautiful has been given to me. The shining eyes of a rabbit....
I have been in no state to write for quite some time now. It all happened so fast at the beginning of June, so unexpected. I know a little better my own limits, to say the least. It has made me feel weaker in all the right ways.... and awakened me to a strength and self-awareness I did not know I could ever achieve. In many ways, I feel peace like I never thought I could before. A sort of completeness, despite many circumstances in my life still being left messy and undone. It is as if I was able to endure pain beyond anything I could have previously imagined, gracefully. It leaves me with feelings of hope. A renewed persistence in the face of what is certain to be endless struggle for the remainder of my days, and the days of those that I love.
I'll be here, as firm as the ground.
Sunday, April 30, 2017
“The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.”
